“Surely you desire truth in the inner parts, you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.” -Psalm 51:6

It’s the time of year where we all assess where we’re at and look forward to the New Year anticipating personal changes. A fresh start usually inspires us to try some new disciplines. We resolve to eat better, exercise more, get organized, call home more often, work less, worry less, put down our phones to be present, and so on.

Our mind is willing to try new things, but we inevitably find ourselves in mid-February stuck in our old routines. A 2007 study by Richard Wiseman from the University of Bristol involving 3,000 people showed that 88% of those who set New Years Resolutions fail, despite the fact that 52% were confident of success at the beginning.

Why are resolutions so hard? I think it has to do with understanding ourselves. Most of us aren’t self-aware. We don’t understand why we do what we do.

The first time I read Psalm 51:6 as a young adult it struck me. It goes like this: “Surely you desire truth in the inner parts, you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.” I knew I was a mess. I knew I had difficult things to overcome. In spite of my upbeat personality, I was often plagued with fear and doubt. I lacked confidence. I cried easily, and I hated it. I felt out of control. I had deep wounds from an alcoholic, absent father. I was stuck in performing for people so I could feel loved. My thinking went something like this: As long as I did everything right and said everything right, I wouldn’t upset anyone. A girl can only live like that for so long until she becomes unraveled.

So I began to ask the Lord to work on my heart. To show me what it meant to be honest before Him and with those I loved. I asked him to heal the wounds from my father. I studied the Word to learn what my identity in Christ was.

Most important, I asked God to sort out all my feelings. I had so many. Most of my childhood and teen years, I kept negative feelings suppressed. It’s how it works in an alcoholic home. You stuff, hide and dodge so you don’t cause the alcoholic to be upset. And you just never knew what was going to set him off. So you learned to pretend, smile and be good. At least that was my role in the family; my siblings each had their own roles.

For significant change to take place, we have to understand ourselves and our history. It’s not about being self-absorbed because that presents a bunch of problems. But being self-aware helps us make the necessary changes to move forward. Understanding why we feel what we feel helps us find healing.

It’s good to know your strengths and weaknesses. It’s important to invite Jesus to our inner struggles, to the place we often hide or push aside because it’s too painful. When we face our inner struggles, we find healing. Only in acknowledging our weakness will we overcome it.

May your resolutions for 2019 start with the inner work of your heart. Invite God to reveal and expose the hurts and sort through the feelings. Most either stuff what they feel, dismiss what they feel, or burst out with all our feelings. After this step of reflection, and inviting God into our turbulent emotions, you’ll be able to make the outward changes you’re longing for.

Each blog post in January I’ll be talking about how to process our feelings. I hope you’ll join me this month as we learn together.