”You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.”-Genesis 50:20

In February, on my blog we’ll be talking about marriage.  I believe God’s heart beats for healthy marriages, where unity, compassion, kindness,  support, and forgiveness flow freely. Marriage is two coming together as one to impact the world.  Apart from Christ, we can’t have a healthy marriage. The best marriages create an environment which fosters movement towards God and each other.

As a ministry team, my husband and I meet with couples struggling in their marriage.  Often couples are wrestling with how to forgive their spouse about something.  I lean in close with a grin and say, “Let me tell you my parent’s story.”

My mom and dad divorced when I was eleven years old and we moved off the farm in western Minnesota to Willmar, a much bigger city.  I was relieved to be away from my dad’s constant drinking and their fighting. We lived in a trailer court on the edge of town, and my mom working and going to technical college to support her three kids.  A measly $600 a month came in child support back in the 1970’s. I don’t know how we survived. The end of the month meant less food in the cupboards, but my mom was plucky enough and resourceful. She took good care of us.

She met Al shortly after moving to Willmar in 1976. They enjoyed nightlife and dancing. He was a “good ole boy from Texas.”  He was funny, bigger than life, proud, hardworking, stubborn, and a drinker. It’s ironic how we gravitate to the familiar.  Mom divorced my dad because he was an alcoholic, yet here she was dating another guy who drank excessively. They were married, and my relationship with Al was rocky at best.  I wasn’t a fan of his country music, or his love of alcohol. My younger years were on repeat with more fighting and more of my mom trying to control the drunk. When would it ever end?

In August of 1985, my step-dad Al’s drinking escalated and in a drunken argument he pulled a revolver on my mom and shot her.  She was able to flee from our home to a neighbors. I pulled up as the ambulance was transporting her to the hospital and the police were arresting Al.  The bullet grazed her heart and miraculously she survived.

We kept vigil at the hospital as mom spent eight days on life support.  It was heartbreaking to see her pain, let alone the shame of the story being splashed in the newspaper.  My mom’s family was supportive and rallied to her side. What was my mom going to do? I felt justified in my hatred towards Al.  I just wanted all the pain to stop. We didn’t need him in our family anymore. Hadn’t he caused enough damage?

A local church had a man ministering in the jail and he befriended my step-dad. In a matter of weeks,  Al was broken before God and he cried out, “God, if you will save my wife, I will serve you the rest of my life.” God met him in a most miraculous way.  The once proud, arrogant, stubborn alcoholic was transformed into a gentle, humble, sober man. Al knew he had hit rock bottom, and only God could help him. My twin, Bruce, was the first to visit him in jail.  He could see the change.

Kathy, a local pastor’s wife reached out to my mom. They had long conversations about what to do next.  We received a letter from Al while he was incarcerated. He told of us his experience of crying out to God and how his desire to drink was gone.  He said, “This is the beginning of the most wonderful time of our life.” Seriously, I thought, he’s had a mental breakdown. He was out of his mind. What do you mean God helped you? We didn’t know God that way.  We never heard of such a thing.

My mom was heartbroken, angry, and conflicted.  She didn’t want another divorce as the first one was hard enough.  Most of my family wanted her to divorce him. My Grandpa Vic was adamant that my mom divorce Al. Over the weeks Kathy met with my mom. She took her to church, got her involved in Bible Study, and a small group.  My parents were growing in the Lord, learning to trust Him, and trying to make their lives better.

I watched God’s mercy poured out on my parents.  Al’s countenance was completely changed by the power of God. My mom learned to surrender and asked God to restore her as well.  We watched as God wove His love and goodness all around them. There was a shift, a gradual coming together. God was restoring their love for one another, and I couldn’t have imagined it in a million years.  I didn’t even know God could do such a thing. I had a very small view of God at that time in my life. It was miraculous to watch their marriage be restored in a manner of months.

The trial came and my mom pleaded with the judge not to send Al to prison. A crime was committed, and Al would have to pay.  Al would serve two and a half years at Stillwater State Prison. Mom actually transported my stepdad to prison.  They walked in holding hands and the jailer said, “Ma’am, you need to let go now because you can’t go with him.” My parents were the bravest souls, and in those years apart, they grew in their knowledge of God and their love for each other.  

They would have 21 more years of marriage together.  Was it perfect? No! There is no perfect marriage, there is only marriage surrendered before God.  Al fought cancer for 6 years, and my mom took care of him in their home while he laid in the hospice bed for eighteen months. Al died on a snowy day in November 2001; he was 62 years old. He was dearly loved by his grandkids, his family, and church friends.

Their love endured so much as they learned to live submitted to God. My parents could have ended up divorced, lives shattered, and broken.  Yet, as they surrendered to God, He made something beautiful out of their mess. I learned God can take the most horrific situation and turn it to good.  We assumed our family would be destroyed, but all along God was at work restoring all of us.

I share my parents' story because it offers hope.  Your messy marriage may not be as dramatic as theirs, but we could all use a little more turning to God in our marriages.  God’s heart is to help you reconcile, rebuild, and restore your marriage. It takes intentional movement towards God and connecting to your spouse, even when it’s hard, even when you have big issues, even when anger and bitterness have moved to the forefront of your relationship.  Invite God to your marriage, and watch what He will do.

I’ve included a free resource for you, Five Ways to Improve Your Marriage Today. Just click on the graphic below and you can download a pdf.