“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” - Ephesians 4:2

Great Expectations

Our firstborn has been newly wed since August, and I braced myself for the conversation we’d have with our son and his young wife.  The holidays were approaching, and it was time to talk about where they would spend Thanksgiving and Christmas. I dreaded this topic because I knew it was going to burst the expectation I had for holidays. 

 Why did I wrestle with my expectations? Why was I so selfish?  What right did I have that everyone should bow to my presumption for special occasions?

I adored Christmas with our little family. The commotion of having them all together filled my heart with immense joy. Bob would keep a roaring fire going in the fireplace. Keenan carousing at the piano filled our home with playful music.  Moriah chased someone around the house in her usual mischief-making ways.   Caleb and Keziah shared an inside joke while Rebekah joined me in the kitchen. 

Having them all near filled me with nostalgia, and I couldn’t wait to add Michelle to our family celebrations. My hubby wasn’t close with his family, so I never had to share when Christmas rolled around.  We had been making the trek to my mom’s house for decades, so it seemed normal our kids would want to be with us. I looked forward to the new tradition with our young married children. 

With a grace and maturity beyond their years they said, “We’ve decided to share holidays. One year we’ll spend Thanksgiving with you and then we’ll spend Christmas with Michelle’s family, then the next year we’ll flip.”  They were sweet, calm, and nonchalant about it. Inside, I didn’t want to let go of my assumption of yearly Christmas together. It made me sad to think of them not being a part of our traditions, but releasing my demand was the best thing to do.

Eleven years later, we’ve fallen into a beautiful rhythm, and we know exactly who’s going to be with us each holiday. 

Releasing Expectations

This mom has been learning a lot about releasing expectations.  You could call me the “Queen of Great Expectations.” I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I often expect people to meet my assumptions, and when they don’t I fall into a heap of disappointment. I’m filled with grand ideas and dreams, and I’m slowly learning they’re a trap when it comes to my adult children.

My children are teaching me, and the Holy Spirit has been working on my heart, too. 

One of the greatest ways to overcome expectations is through thoughtful conversation with our kids.  Expectation is all about assumption, and assumption is a dangerous way to live. It took me a while, but I’m realizing open dialogue is a much healthier way to live with our adult kids.

Sit down with your grown kids and have respectful back and forth conversation where everyone is safe to share their needs and wants and remember, our kids are free to make their own choices.  They may not always involve us. 

Expectation is a form of selfishness, and the Holy Spirit asks us to lay down what we want for the greater good.  I know it’s hard to hear, but repeatedly I listen to the heartache of moms who don’t get to see their children because of the selfishness of another mom who has held this expectation of having her child every holiday.  

Moms, we must do better and the only way it will improve  is having  mature, calm, effective dialogue with our grown children. We go low, in humility knowing this isn’t just about our wants and desires. It’s not unreasonable to share our children on  holidays. Step into the other mom’s shoes for one moment and imagine the despair you’re causing her with your selfishness.  Sharing is fair, pleasing and then no one loses out completely.  It communicates maturity and confidence when we do the right thing.

Flexibility needs to become the norm when it comes to our adult kids.  This is a fresh season and assuming things will stay the same puts added stress on family members.  Let’s be the bigger woman, and with the help of the Holy Spirit, surrender our desires for the peace of everyone.

Releasing expectations is never easy, but the Holy Spirit is willing to help us in the process as we remain open, humble, and submit to His work in our hearts.  Sweet mom, things will change as our children become adults, and it’s okay.  There’s still joy as we learn new rhythms and traditions with our loved ones.

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, Help me as I hold tightly to my expectations.  I know, ultimately they lead to great disappointment.  I want to be tender, wise and release my assumptions for the benefit of my entire family, including my children’s spouses.  Fill me with peace as I learn to let go and fall into new rhythms with my family.  Amen.

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