“A person’s words can be life-giving water; words of true wisdom are as refreshing as a bubbling brook.”- Proverbs 18:4

An Unwelcome Response

The Spanish music blared from the speakers as busy servers bustled fresh tortilla chips and salsa to the tables. Jessica drove two hours to meet with her parents for lunch. She wrangled her wiggly toddler into the booster chair. “No, no, no!!” screamed the darling child as she arched her back. Jessica felt the tension as her parents watched her handle the situation. 

“Aren’t you going to do something?” her mom judges. Jessica gave a wry smile and redirected the wiggly toddler back to her lap and distracted her with a coloring book and crayons.“She’s just tired of being pent up after the two hour car ride.” Jessica explains while her daughter  continues to wiggle and fuss. “Don’t you think she needs a time out?” said grandma, “We never let you behave like that.”

Jessica took a deep breath as she felt the heat rising up her neck. “She doesn’t need a timeout, mom. She deserves my empathy. She’s frustrated from being stuck in the car seat, and now we have to pluck her in the booster seat. Just give her a minute and she’ll calm down.”

“Oh that’s right, you know better than we did, as parents,” quips Jessica’s mom. The sarcasm and disrespect hung in the air, as Jessica’s heart sank once more because of her mom’s harsh words. When will this ever change, she wonders.

Communication is the heartbeat of every relationship. No momma intentionally sets out to be careless with her words and yet we often frustrate our adult children by what we say. It is wise to pay attention to how we speak to our grown children.

 I have regretted words I spoke to my adult kids in a moment of tension. I did not need to express my opinion or offer a solution. My lack of restraint hurt them deeply.

We become careless when we forget our words can harm others.  We are often selfish and rude. We do not realize the lasting impact our words can have on people. 

Author and speaker, Micheal Hyatt says, “Our words have power. They impact others, but they also impact us.” The way we speak to our adult children impacts our connection.

Here are four convincing reasons you need to guard the way you talk to your adult children:

1. Words hold power:

Words are powerful. Every spoken word carries a message of life or death. Our words bring life when we encourage, equip, or comfort.  We can also hurt, shame, belittle, dishonor, and harm with the language we use. We get to choose the impact we want in our relationships. We can bring life or death to our grown children through the things we say.  “The tongue can bring death or life; those who love to talk will reap the consequences.” Proverbs 18:21

2. Words can’t be taken back:

Oh, how we wish we could take back the stinging words we  spoke over our loved ones. We say things like, “I didn’t mean it,” or “I was just kidding.” But the truth is, once words are spoken they remain forever. Just like we can’t push the toothpaste back in the tube, we cannot take back a raw word we said in a heated moment. 

Apologies can be offered, but it is difficult for the hearer not to replay critical words. This is the birthplace of offense and resentment. When we pause before we speak, we can be certain no harsh message will come forth to be replayed in our child’s mind. “Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.” Proverbs 21:23

3. Word build up or tear down:

Do you want your words to carry healing or harm? When we choose the gentle, patient way, our words become a balm to the hearer.  When we offer empathy in place of dogma we form a bond with our child. If our words do not bring healing, it is best to leave them unspoken.

“Don’t use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” Ephesian 4:29

4. The tongue must be tamed:

When we partner with the Holy Spirit, He gives us the ability to use self-control. Instead of lashing out at our grown child with harsh words, choose restraint. When we feel passionate, we  talk to God about all that weighs heavy on our hearts. Our feelings are valid. God is simply asking us to be careful with our words so we don’t cause harm. We are only responsible for ourselves. We are not responsible for words our grown children use. “Likewise, the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark.The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole body, sets the whole course of one’s life on fire, and is itself set on fire by hell.” James 3:5-6

What will you choose with the words you use? Life or death?

As we partner with God, He will guide us with gentleness and self-control. We will learn to hold our tongues in a difficult moment.  We will learn the beauty of an encouraging word when our grown children need it most. 

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, help me remember that my words carry the power of life and death.  The way I speak to my grown children matters. I want to bring healing with my words and not harm.  Give me help to know when to speak and when to keep my mouth shut.  I want to honor my kids with my mouth. Help me never to cause harm.  If I do, help me apologize quickly.

Still struggling?  Maybe this will help.

I’ve created a free guide, “10 Things Moms Say That Frustrate Their Adult Children (And 5 Ways to Stop From Saying Them).”  Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.