“My beloved is mine and I am his…” Song of Songs 2:16a

My hubby and I take some time every Sunday night to go through Navigator’s Council, a journal by Jeremy and Audrey Roloff, which helps us connect in a deeper way.

Each week we answer these five questions:

• What brought you joy this week?

• What is something that was hard this week?

• What is one specific thing I can do for you this week?

• Is there any unconfessed sin, conflict, or hurt that we need to resolve and/or seek forgiveness for?

• What is a dream, craving, or desire that has been on the fore-front of your mind?

• How can I pray for you this week?

It’s been a rich experience of connecting, and it helps us be honest with each other, even if it’s a little scary at times. We’ve been at this marriage thing for over 30 years, so we’re not afraid to share our honest souls with each other.

What do you need most today?

The question often hardest for us to answer is: what is one specific thing I can do for you this week? We’re basically telling our spouse what we need. Why is that so hard? Is it because we’re not aware of what we need? Is it because we’re afraid they won’t follow through, or they’ll laugh at our request? Does it make us feel too vulnerable to say what we need?

Have you ever thought about what you need most? There’s no right or wrong answer, but being self-aware is helpful. Here’s some questions to ask yourself to spark some ideas:

Do you need support or empathy? Do you need help with a project or task? Do you need a date night or a girls night out? Do you need a listening ear with no solution provided? Do you need words of affirmation? Do you need more sex or cuddling on the couch? Do you need to talk about the budget or dream of a vacation to save up for? Do you need help with the kids or your hubby to cook dinner tonight? Do you need honest conversation instead of avoidance? Do you need to be loved or respected more? Do you need your spouse to tell you they believe in you?

Often we assume we know what our spouse needs, but what if we’re completely missing them? Wouldn’t it be easier to ask what they need? It brings me joy to give my husband what he needs. I want to make his days better, and I want to be an encouragement to him, however he needs it most.

This level of communication is the deepest form, where you share feelings instead of information or opinion. It is the basis for intimacy, and it can feel scary at first if you’re not used to talking like this with your spouse. It’s intimidating to share your most vulnerable needs, but this is the sweet spot in marriage, where connection, commitment, and acceptance can grow. Since going through this journal with Bob, I feel understood, valued, and loved. Yes, we’ve had some challenging discussions, but we’ve been able to find solutions.

How could your marriage look different if you asked your spouse once a week or everyday, “What do you need today?” Be ready and willing to provide what they need and watch your intimacy and connection grow.

This is the last post in my series about marriage and if you’d like some more tips on how to grow your marriage, I’ve included a free resource, “Five Ways to Improve Your Marriage Today.” Just click on the link below and you can print the pdf.