I have three more stories to share this month as we wrap up our Refining Series. My hope in sharing these stories is to help you not feel alone while being refined. The refining process is for all of God’s kids and it’s not meant to be seen as a punishment but rather training.

Ally talks about how it was difficult for her to bring negative emotions to God. I think we’ve all felt the need to tidy ourselves up a bit before we come to God, have we not? But she learned a valuable tool to help her move forward and to get a revelation about how God saw her. I’m honored to share Ally’s story today.

Ally’s Story

In 2006, I met a boy at a party. I was a freshman in the first week of college; he was a sophomore engineering student. A few days after we met, he asked if I want to go for a walk. We started walking every day. To class. To the Arboretum. To TCBYs. We were inseparable. He liked showing me off to his friends, telling them I was his perfect girl. His friends became my friends. He took months to kiss me- I remember thinking"This is what gentlemen do".

I don't know when the comments started. I did not notice at first because I read the world as black and white. The red flags I knew to beware were the obvious ones: are they pressuring you? Are they flat out mean to you? Those aren't your friends. His comments weren't like that, though. "You would look really good in that dress... If you lost like 5 pounds." "Do you really want to eat the whole cookie/the whole sandwich/the whole meal? I'm just looking out for you." "Do you really need to go spend time with your friend? I wanted to see you. I studied last night so I could keep tonight free for you". Always guilt. Always my fault. Always ways I could be better. 

Two years later, standing in the rain outside of his apartment after an argument, I broke up with him. For real this time.

Several years later, right before Christmas, another relationship ended. I don't remember anything about Christmas. I lost nearly 10 pounds because I couldn't bring myself to eat. My mom had sent me to get a massage, which normally would put me right to sleep, but I cried through it all. Days after the breakup, I sat in a therapist's office. I did not want to be there, but I was told it would be good for me. The counselor was a smaller woman, probably in her late 50s. She had a nice smile, a warm voice, a comfy couch, and a way to speak straight to the heart. 

"I think you are suffering from depression," she says. 

I tell her that since the broken engagement, yes, I have been feeling a little depressed, but...

"No." She says. "I think you have been facing depression for years. Since Steve."

I did not believe her. Surely she was wrong. I was feeling a little sad, but I was functioning, happy. I had fun, friends, an active lifestyle. Aren't depressed people....sad? I didn't accept this so I found a new therapist.

She told me the same thing.

So did the next one.

I returned to the first counselor, and through our sessions, I began naming what had happened to me. My sadness gave way to anger. Anger towards myself for being naive, anger towards him for being manipulative, anger towards friends who did not speak up. But mostly, anger towards God for even letting this happen. Did He even really care about me?

Praying the Psalms

One of my assignments from my counselor was to pray the Psalms in my daily devotion. She said that through the Psalms, we learn how to truly pray. I slowly made my way through the Psalms, praying pieces of each Psalm every day. In many ways, I found this more ritualistic at first. It seemed like a good thing to do, but I didn't feel any different. I felt like it was wrong to be depressed and angry. I felt like I needed to fix myself so that I could be whole and happy again. 

In June of 2012, I had reached Psalm 18. That day, I read and prayed through the following verses:

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
    he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
    from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
    but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place;
    he rescued me because he delighted in me.

Several years before when I became a Christian, I knew God saved me from my sin. But this struck a different chord. For the first time, I realized that God cared for me, not just to save me from Hell. He cared for me as I was now. And He did the rescuing. I did not have to work myself out of depression. 

Through the Psalms, we experience the range of human emotion- anger, confusion, joy, peace, sadness. David was not afraid to bring his raw feelings to God. I somehow had come to believe that I needed to fix my emotions to be right before God- that somehow I could hide my anger or my sadness from the God that knows our every thought. The anger I felt was slowly giving way to the secure feeling of being known intimately by God. It was not that God was "fixing" my emotions, but bybringing my sadness and my anger to God, He was refining me to trust Him more. He was bringing me closer. The Psalms gave me permission to feel while also teaching me more about God's character, shaping me as I prayed. 

If you are in a season of experiencing sadness or anger, I encourage you to read through the Psalms. If you are like me, you might feel like admitting to God that you're angry is wrong, but here's the thing: He already knows. He cares intensely. Bringing my anger to Him not only helped me see it more closely, but it taught me more about the character of God. God is not afraid of our questions or our emotions, and He uses all these things to bring us into a more intimate relationship with Him. 

Are you still struggling?

Maybe this will help.

I’ve included a free worksheet to help you walk through your own refining season. Just click on the image below, leave your name and email so I know where to send it.