“Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will give you strength, and for sure I will help you. Yes, I will hold you up with My right hand that is right and good.”

The Struggle

Bob and I sat on our weekly FaceTime call with our oldest daughter, Moriah as tears rolled down her face, as she recounted another distressing interaction with her boss. Her younger boss lacked managerial skills. Moriah was hardworking, competent, but her boss micromanaged her every move. Every creative decision she made was questioned. This left Moriah crushed and disappointed in her circumstance. 

Moriah flourished in academia, maintaining her 4.0 GPA and received a fellowship for Graduate School. She was esteemed by professors when she received her Masters In Creative Writing. To supplement her income, she spent years as a barista, slinging coffee and baked for a bake shop.

She spent months searching for creative writing jobs in her metropolitan area. With no experience, companies wouldn’t take a chance on her, so she was forced to get a retail job to pay her bills. The pandemic and continued frustration with not being in a field she loved, left her heartbroken and disappointed in herself and her dreams for the future. 

It wasn’t our job to fix, solve, or carry Moriah’s situation. That was her job. Our role was to support her. 

We listened well and encouraged her to be responsible to work so she could pay her bills. It’s no small feat living in a large city by yourself, as the cost of living is outrageous. We pointed out what she was doing well, and reassured her to keep fighting to find something new. And she did when she landed a dream job that combines her love of coffee, baking, and copywriting. Only God could have led her to a position that pays well and utilizes her specific skill set.

How To Communicate Support

We will all experience tension as our grown kids navigate hardship. They may experience health issues, occupational distress, financial trouble, heartbreak in romantic relationships, or mental health concerns. How we communicate to our children in this season will have a lasting impact. 

Instead of rushing in to rescue, we rely on this truth from God’s Word. “Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be afraid, for I am your God. I will give you strength, and for sure I will help you. Yes, I will hold you up with My right hand that is right and good.” Isaiah 41:10  In the crushing God is at work, but we must allow our kids to experience this for themselves.  

While you wait for God to work, here are four awesome ways to communicate support:

• “I believe in you.” Let’s give our grown children the gift of belief. We stood beside them their entire childhood so why would we stop now? When self-doubt or despair rises, it’s easy to stop believing that our situation can be different. It’s okay to lend our emerging adults our strength until they find their own. 

• “You are working to change your situation.” As long as your grown child takes steps to change their circumstances, we need to applaud them. Effort counts, even when it doesn’t result in the desired outcome. The act of moving forward and trusting God with all outcomes teaches our grown children perseverance.  

• “You can do hard things.” If we are honest, a lot of moms have done everything to rescue their children from hardship. We didn't want them to experience pain, and this is evident in many young adults. What if instead, we spurred our grown kids on by communicating they can manage difficult situations. Trials build character, endurance, perseverance, and strength. Hardship, when navigated with God’s help, will reap beautiful growth. Let's not thwart their maturity by telling them otherwise. 

• “I am praying for you.”This statement is the epitome of support. For a grown child to know their mom is storming heaven on their behalf, communicates unending love and compassion. When we say less and pray more, we partner with God in His holy work. Peace, comfort, and grace are ushered in as we bring our grown children’s needs before God.

We have a tremendous opportunity to build a lasting connection with our grown kids when we offer supportive words. Our grown offspring will experience hardship. Instead of fixing or rescuing, we speak words of life over them and allow God to work in and through them. Being supportive yields beautiful results.

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, Thank you for the opportunity to support my child instead of rescuing them in this phase of their growth. May my words speak life and offer the reinforcement my adult child needs. Help me not take responsibility for what is theirs.  Help me entrust them to You while You grow their character and strengthen their souls. Amen.

Still struggling? Would you like a little help with communication with your young adult?

 I have a free guide, 10 Things Moms Say That Frustrate Their Adult Children (and 5 Ways to Stop Yourself From Saying Them). Leave your name and email so I know where to send it.