“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

 A Realization

She slowly guided the delicate bridal gown over her long frame, moving as if it were a fragile china cup.  The dress fit her perfectly, enhancing her natural beauty. The cathedral length veil held the drama she had hoped for, and I thought my heart might explode when I saw the joy captured on her face. This was going to be a day to remember, as Rebekah and Ryan became husband and wife. 

A lump formed in my throat as my chest grew tight, and I didn’t hold back the bittersweet tears. Though I was thrilled she was marrying Ryan, I realized she wasn’t mine anymore. From this day forward, our relationship would be different.

Rebekah and I shared a deep bond; talking was “our thing.” We shared coffee dates with meaningful conversation. She prattled on about her friends, her struggles, and her beau. We chatted every Sunday for the four years she was away at college. We laughed hysterically as she regaled her adventures at university, and we cried together when she was overwhelmed and lonely.

I prayed for her as she drove those seven hours, either to campus or back home, all alone, checking my phone app often to make sure she was safe. I wondered, was it even wise to allow a young woman to travel alone, for such a long distance?

The day we dropped her at the far-away place, we sat through the welcome service at her Christian college and tears rolled down our cheeks. I scrounged through my purse, digging for more tissues as waves of unexpected grief crashed through our morning. We wept through the service, wiping away tears with our lunch napkins, mostly trying to avert the gaze of onlookers, and we bawled as we drove away leaving our baby, to figure it all out, alone. It was a melancholy seven-hour ride home. I’ll never forget the look on her fragile face as we drove away. She seemed much too young to be in this big world by herself, in a place where she had no one to cling to.

How would we ever get used to the distance between us? What was I going to do without Rebekah? Within the first semester, she wasn’t sure she would survive her new world. Between the drama with a friend group, annoyance with a roommate, and a longing for the familiar, she persevered through the usual growing pains of college. 

Rebekah got braver and more involved, and tried new things, as she began to grow. She ventured away from home and discovered who she was, developing her strengths as a leader and learning significant life lessons in this protected community. During her sophomore year, our girl reconnected with Ryan, whom she had met at church camp when they were fourteen and sixteen, and they fell in love.

I dreamed of having grown kids nearby; we would have coffee dates and family dinners, and sleepovers with grandkids and “cousin camp” would be part of our routine. High hopes and expectations ruled my days, but my dream of having this one near was not to be.

Fast forward to her wedding day, my dreams shattered as reality dawned, she had built a life with Ryan, far away, and it hurt. My vision of having her near was gone as they began their professional careers, bought a house, and a dog, 437 excruciatingly long miles away from me.

What’s a midlife mom to do with a heart full of expectations for her kids?  How in the world does she shift from this leading role in her child’s life to a supportive role where her adult child is now free to make their own choices?

Strategies to Consider For Expectations:

• Be self-aware: Acknowledge you have some internal work to do. Holding hopes for our kids can negatively impact our relationship. A grown child trying to meet the expectations of a strong-willed mom is a recipe for disaster.  It’s time to look inside, momma and become aware of ways we need to adapt and grow.

• Name the expectation: Often we want to minimize the expectations we hold for our kids until it’s too late and the damage has been done.  Be brave and name the expectation you have. Speak it out. Face it with courage. Admit you have some work to do in releasing it.

• Surrender the need to have it your way: We can have expectations about a million different things.  Who our child will marry, where they will live, their career, their finances, their friendships, their relationship with God, their relationship with family, their choices about cultural hot topics, the Bible, and church. A simple prayer of surrender is all that is needed to feel the release.

• Understand the shift in your role: Where we once led our children on all matters of the heart, our grown kids are now free to make their own choices. They are free to wrestle with everything we have taught them.  They may hold on to our values or they might walk away from them.  They are free to choose their own path.

• Have a conversation with God about it: This tension of holding on and letting go will require the work of the Holy Spirit in our hearts.  It’s not a one time event, but a process of working it out with God.  It will require humility, persistence, and tenderness before God. 

Midlife momma, my heart goes out to you as you wrestle with your expectations.  There is grace for you as you bow before God and humbly ask for His help.  We will  do it again and again but Papa will provide the peace you crave as you surrender your wants at His feet. 

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, Help me recognize the expectations I hold for my adult child.  I don’t want to do that anymore.  I want to surrender them to Your will and ways.  Release me from my desire to influence how they live their life.  May You influence them as I retreat and trust Your good plans for my child.  Help me do the heart work necessary to release them to You. Amen.