“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters; You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”- James 1:19

Hard Conversations

I could feel the tension in the air as we walked and talked that hot summer day. Caleb had  reluctantly joined the family for a few days at our annual trip to Family Camp.  I felt the resistance, and I could see the pain on his face.

This was the last place he wanted to be. He didn’t want to be boxed in by God or the church.  I knew he had been wrestling with God for a few years.  He was filled with doubts and probably some anger towards the church.  I don’t think being a Pastor’s kid was an easy thing for him. He was now a college student and free to make his own choices, and he had picked up some new views about the world.

I asked him about his dad’s healing.  “How do you explain dad’s miraculous healing from multiple sclerosis?”  He looked at the ground, as we walked and said, “Science has proven the body can regenerate itself.”  It felt like someone punched me in the gut! How could he disqualify an act of God with science? I avoided his gaze and tried to muster all the restraint I could and said, “Oh, it can, can it?”  My comment was laced with sarcasm and bitterness. And that was the end of our conversation.  I walked away dejected and fearful, and he left the conversation feeling frustrated. I’d blown it, for sure, when it came to listening. 

A Listening Ear

As we enter this unfamiliar, supportive role in parenting our adult children, one of the greatest gifts we can give them is a listening ear.  In the past we wanted to correct, instruct, and train, but those days are behind us. This is a new season which requires new skills.

I know I didn’t always get this right, but my adult kids have been teaching me, again.  In the past, I would have judged them for their opinions or felt like I had somehow failed them because their ideas or beliefs were different from how I raised them.  It was always about me, instead of truly focusing on them and where they were at.

What’s needed now is a heart of compassion, the gift of restraint, and a non judgmental, listening ear. What’s most important is to listen for understanding. Mary Jo Sharp, in her book Why Do You Believe That?,  says “Listening to others is a part of loving them.”

Often what happens when we’re listening to our adult children is we insert ourselves into the conversations, and we become offended or defensive, which means we aren’t listening to understand anything.  Instead we’re thinking of ourselves. A trained listener knows how to separate oneself and truly focus on the other person.

Here are ten beautiful things active listening does:

-it validates the other’s opinion

-it doesn’t judge

-it doesn't correct

-it seeks common ground

-it wants to understand where the person is coming from

-it’s an act of love

-it doesn't speak (This seems obvious, but most of us are inept at keeping our mouths closed.)

-it isn’t thinking about a rebuttal while listening

-it builds connection

-it’s patient and kind

Have you ever thought about your listening skills? Are you patient, non judgmental, and listen to truly understand?  Or are you a poor listener always thinking of a rebuttal to make your point?  Do you have to be right?  

If you’ve come up short with your adult kids, like I have, I challenge you to make some adjustments.  You’ll be amazed at the outcomes.  You’ll feel more connected, in tune, and your adult child will feel validated and honored. Isn't that the kind of relationship we long for with our grown kids?

Ultimately, listening is an act of love. I’m learning to engage in conversations where I simply listen. There’s no judgement, no sarcasm, no criticism.  I really want to hear their heart on matters. 

If you’re alarmed by what you hear, don’t fret. This simply means there’s something you need to take to God and talk to Him about. Lashing out or being critical will break down communication instantly. This is the moment to pause, gather your courage, and continue to listen.  Instead of jumping to conclusions, could we trust God with the process and be thankful that our grown kids actually shared their hearts with us? 

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, Help me learn to be a better listener.  Help me set aside my desires and truly listen with a goal to understand.  Help me keep my mouth shut and my ears open to hear what’s being said.  Give me compassion and strength to not judge or criticize.  Let me be a safe person my adult child can share their heart with.  When I’m upset, I’ll talk to you about it, instead of them. Amen.

I’ve created a free guide for you, “Five Ways To Support Your Adult Child.” Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.