“A wise man will hear and increase in learning.” -Proverbs 1:5 

Quiet Conversations

It was late at night as we gathered as a family after Keziah and Forrest’s wedding rehearsal dinner.  The room was buzzing with conversation and laughter, as Keenan, our oldest son, pulled me aside and wanted to talk. Keenan’s not one for small talk and neither am I.  I love to get to the heart of the matter in our conversations.  We’re not afraid to be honest and vulnerable with each other.  Usually our conversations involve tears because that’s how we’re wired.  We sat on the kitchen stools as he started the conversation.  He was animated and passionate because that’s his personality. 

I didn’t agree with everything he said, but I knew the greatest gift I could give him in this moment was my undivided attention and a listening ear. I leaned in and looked him in the eye, and I saw nothing but love and compassion.  I tuned out the rest of the family because this was important to him, and I wanted him to know it was important to me too.

I wanted to understand his heart.  I desired to hear beyond the words to the message between the lines. I wanted to comprehend his intention.  I was going to set aside my agenda, my opinion, and truly hear him.

He gave me the opportunity to share my heart too. But I did it with humility, relying on the power of God. I walked away from the conversation knowing I had heard him and validated his opinion.  I leaned in, was present, and truly heard where he was at. It felt like the right thing to do.

Listen With Restraint

Listening doesn’t have to be a grin and bear it exercise, as you grit your teeth in frustration.  Listening is a gift of love, an act of surrender, and a partnership with the Divine, even when your relationship with your adult child is complicated and messy.  Especially when what you are hearing is different from what you believe or agree with. 

Listening well communicates compassion, validation, and empathy. Paying attention is the one benefit we can freely give. It’s an opportunity for grace to flow.  

If concentrating with restraint is difficult, then it’s time to invite God inside and find out why. Ask yourself some questions. 

• What could it look like if I truly listened?  

• What ways could I use restraint so I can validate my child? (I didn’t say you had to agree with your adult child.  But validating their voice goes a long way towards honor and respect.) 

• Why is it hard for me to humble myself?

 God wants to heal us.  When we face our shortcomings under the umbrella of his grace, only good and healing will come, but momma, it’s going to take a dose of courage and self awareness to get there.

Here are three ways to use restraint while listening:

1. Practice humility: Go low the next time you are invited to listen to your adult child.  Set aside yourself.  Release your wants and desires. Lay down your expectations and agenda and elevate your child for a moment. Humility communicates respect and honor. “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient bearing with one another in love.”-Ephesians 4:2

2. Rely on the power of God: When we struggle with restraint it’s often because we’re trying to do something in our own strength.  Instead, invite the Holy Spirit to empower you in the moment.  He’ll equip us with everything we need when we ask.  Let the fruit of gentleness be evident on your face and in your heart. “In the day when I cried out, You answered me and made me bold with strength in my soul.”- Psalm 138:3

3. Be present: Let’s be honest, most of us haven’t learned this skill with listening.  We’re bombarded with thoughts, solutions, and possible responses. We miss our child completely because we aren’t present.  We aren’t listening to understand.  Slow down, take a deep breath and focus. “Let your eyes look directly forward, and your gaze be straight before you.” -Proverbs 4:25

As we humble ourselves, rely on the power of God and be present with our adult children, we’ll find connection, again, with our offspring, as the Holy Spirit helps us pay attention and listen for understanding. 

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, Forgive me for not being the best listener.  I need you to change my heart and heal me on the inside.  Help me humble myself as a way to communicate honor.  I want to rely on Your power to help me be still and listen without judgment, or the desire to control. Help me give my adult child the gift of attention as I focus on them and truly listen to understand their heart.  Amen.

I’ve created a free guide for you, “Five Ways To Support Your Adult Child.” Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.