“Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.” Romans 2:12

Tearful Talk

I plopped down next to my oldest son, Keenan as he rested his achy joints.  A battle with arthritis had significantly affected his young body. Often he needed to stretch out because sitting exacerbated his pain.  “You all right, Bud?” I asked with warm eyes. “Yes, I’m just stretching.” I pulled a blanket over my legs, as a cool breeze floated through an open window.

“You okay, mom?” he asked as he sensed my melancholy. “Yea, I’m okay, just a little sad that we have to leave again. You know this part is hard for me. When you were little I never imagined our family would be spread across the country like this,” I whispered, as warm tears rolled down my cheeks.

With the wisdom of a first-born he said, “I’m sorry this is hard for you, mom, but maybe it won’t be this way forever. It’s the season in life where the kids are venturing out. We’re learning independence. It’s good for us. Maybe one day we will all live closer.” I blew my nose again and hoped what he said would come true.

I never thought what our family would look like once the kids were grown. Perhaps I was in denial? I never thought about the future beyond their growing up years.  I assumed we would all live somewhere in Minnesota, our home state. Yet, here we are, with five grown kids, spread out in Illinois, Minnesota, Missouri, Iowa and soon to be Utah. One child will be nineteen hours away.  

I honestly didn’t see that coming. Perhaps you are like me and wonder how we ended up with so much physical distance between our kids?  Maybe you carry a different expectation that didn’t quite go the way you imagined. Are you shocked by it, too? 

What do we do with our collective grief? How do we release expectations and come to a beautiful place of acceptance? Where is God in all of this? Does He even care about us?

The Big Book for recovery says this about expectations:  “Expectations are premeditated resentments.” Ouch, momma, that one hurts, doesn’t it? We have a choice to make when it comes to our adult kids. We can require them to meet our expectations, thus making them miserable and bound, or we can lean into God’s loving hand and receive the grace to let go and accept the changes.

I cringe a little when I hear mommas say, “My kids will never leave me.” I do not believe we have the right to say such a thing. Our children are not made to meet our expectations. They are called by God to build their own lives. 

What can we do to lean into God as we unravel the emotional overwhelm of releasing expectations?  How do we actually lay them down?  How do we quiet the demands of our selfish hearts? 

A New Way Of Thinking

God asks us to try a new way of thinking and to be transformed.  Romans 2:12 says, “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”

The world is okay with us being selfish and having our little temper tantrums, but when we are in Christ, we die to the patterns of the world and ask God to transform us.  This applies to this season of our motherhood.  We lay down our selfish ways and release our expectations of how our kid’s lives should go.  

They are free to choose their own paths. This is how it’s supposed to be. 

You don’t have the right to make demands of them or tell them how to raise their kids, who to marry, where to live, or what to believe about God. You are called to release them to God. You are called to trust God’s good plans for them, even when it looks challenging. Especially when they make mistakes or choices that don’t align with you. You are required to be transformed in your mind.

We do this by moving closer to God and allowing Him to change our thinking. We recognize our need to surrender selfish desires, and we ask the Holy Spirit to strengthen us to do the hard work of releasing. Imagine what God went through as He released His Son. 

This shift comes forth through our loving union with God. We practice honesty, surrender and acceptance through prayer. We pour it all out before our benevolent King. He understands this heartache well.

The acceptance doesn’t happen overnight, but as God moves on our hearts, He helps us recognize the shift in our relationship.  We surrender because carrying expectations hurts our relationship with our kids.  It’s the breeding ground for resentment. It’s good for them to go and discover their dreams, and find what God has for them, even when it’s hundred of miles away from us. 

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa,

I recognize I need a new way of thinking if I’m going to release the expectations I carry for  my adult child.  I don’t want to be selfish anymore and I don’t want my expectations to lead to resentment with my child.  Holy Spirit, help me as I work through this struggle with You.  Change my heart and renew my mind.  Amen.

Would you like some help navigating your relationship with your adult child? I’ve created a free guide for you, “Five Ways To Support Your Adult Child.” Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.