The First Moments Without Them

The August sun beat down as we unloaded our overpacked cars and schlepped items up to the third floor of her dorm. We passed sweaty students, as eager parents made sense of the small spaces. Our youngest daughter, Keziah was bright with excitement as we unpacked boxes and got her closet arranged just right. Her dad lugged the refrigerator up three flights and lofted the bed. We were thankful for a breeze through her window.

We gobbled some Chick Fil-A, made a Target run, then took one last sweep of her room. We didn’t want to stay too long or do too much for her.  She plopped down on her cute futon under the lofted bed with the matching comforter and fluffy throw pillows. She looked content in her space, with little plants speckled about the room. She seemed ready. This was our cue to head home.

Why did she seem so assured and confident? This one was fiercely independent. All I could think of was I wouldn’t see her sweet face every day.  A lump formed in my throat as we said our goodbyes. Soft tears rolled down our cheeks. I think she cried for us more than herself. We knew this young woman would prosper in every way. 

The three hour ride home was quiet for my hubby and I as thoughts rolled through our minds and tears spilled. The familiar sadness of separation logged in the pit of my stomach.  All I could think about was how fast those eighteen years with her went. 

After 30 years of active parenting our five kids, our nest was empty. “What in the world would we fill our time with now that we weren’t running to their school activities.” I wondered.  I looked over at my husband as he wrapped his strong hand around mine. “It’s just me and you now,” I whispered. He looked at me with his warm hazel eyes and said, “I know baby, it’s gonna be okay.”

Our nests are empty! 

Most moms will come to this moment in their motherhood and will feel the weight of it. The journey with our children nearby has ended. Our normal rhythms are tossed aside. Suddenly, we can focus on our marriage and that can feel wonderful, or terrifying depending on how healthy our marriages are. 

The empty nest signals the end of parenting as we know it and a fresh season with your spouse. Everything changes: normal rhythms, emotions, expectations, purpose,  and your relationship with your husband.

You need to remember you’ll always be their mom, but you’ll relate to your kids in fresh ways.

The surest way to feel a little more settled is to understand what you can expect when all your kids have moved out. Of course, every mom handles this transition differently, but there are some common issues to expect. When we know what’s ahead, we can embrace the new season with confidence.

Four Things to Expect When Your Kids Move Out

1. You’ll feel a wide range of emotions.

That first time you walk through the door and the house is dead quiet, you can’t believe how loud the silence thunders. It’s unfamiliar and eerie to not have teenagers underfoot or backpacks and shoes tossed everywhere.

 Some moms will cry every time they pass their children’s rooms while other moms are thrilled to see their children flourish apart from them. There is no wrong way to experience the empty nest and the emotions of this season. You’ll waffle between sadness, excitement, transitional grief, regret, and anger. No matter what you do, allow yourself to feel it. Acknowledge the emotion, and talk to God about it. 

2. You’ll wrestle with your purpose.

When your identity is tied to motherhood, you will feel completely upended once your children leave home. You can’t imagine your life without your children nearby.

 The good news is your purpose in the empty nest is fueled by the knowledge you gained in motherhood. Pay attention to what you were normally good at with your kids, then tie those strengths to a fresh purpose. It could be starting a business, a new hobby, going back to school, or serving a special group of people. 

God is not done with you in the empty nest. I daresay, these can be the most fruitful years of your life as you pursue what God has called you to in this unique season of motherhood.

3. You’ll desire to reconnect with your spouse.

Once your children have moved out, it makes sense that you’ll long to spend time with your spouse. This is good when your marriage is healthy, but you may feel incredibly vulnerable if you haven’t cultivated emotional intimacy with your husband while the kids are home.

According to the American  Psychology Association, “More couples are divorcing after age 50 than ever before.” This phenomenon is called “Gray Divorce.” But it doesn’t have to be this way if you find ways to connect.

The beauty of the empty nest is that you have time to focus on each other. You have the space to have longer conversations and be involved with each other’s lives because your time isn’t consumed with your kid’s activities. The empty nest can be a sweet time of marital satisfaction when you work on your relationship.

4. You’ll want to find new rhythms.

Everything feels out of whack when your nest first empties because your life doesn’t focus on the rhythms of a school calendar anymore. You may wonder how to fill the time.

The empty nest opens the door to new opportunities for you because your time isn’t consumed with children’s needs. This is a great time to create new rhythms for yourself and with your spouse. 

See this season as an opportunity to try new things: build new relationships or strengthen old bonds. Try a new hobby or take up pickleball. Chase a dream or start your own business. Volunteer or go back to school. It’s not too late. The empty nest can be a beautiful place of discovery when you get curious and remain open to new rhythms.

We all knew the empty nest was coming, but it still doesn’t mean we aren’t shocked by all the changes we experience. Like any transition in life, you need to be gracious with yourself and your spouse. In a short while you’ll sort out those emotions, discover fresh purpose,  reconnect with your spouse, and practice new rhythms. The empty nest can be the most beautiful season of your life.

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, I know my empty nest was coming but sometimes I’m overwhelmed by all the changes. Help me get through this transition with my eyes on You and open to the new things You want to do in my life. Amen.

Still struggling? 

Grab my free guide, Your Kids Are Grown….Now What? It’s a four page guide to help you understand the three different phases of midlife motherhood. You’ll move from the Empty-Feeling mom, the Questioning Mom, and the Celebratory mom. The guide will help you see what to expect next. 

Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.