Marriage Series: When Opposites Attract
/“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Ephesians 5:33
Let me tell you a little about my husband, Bob. He’s real cute, and he is energized by being alone. He’s a quiet observer who prefers meaningful conversation over idle chit chat. He has an analytical mind and enjoys thinking more than talking. Then there’s me. I’m the outgoing, animated one, who is energized by a room full of people. I am moved by intuition and emotion and to me, analysis is paralysis.
Bob prefers the silverware facing up in the dishwasher, where I’m just happy to have it inside the dishwasher. “Mr. Worst Case Scenario,” has been his nickname, as he has a backup plan for every possible, horrible outcome. I like to camp out in the, “It’s All Going to Be OK” optimistic side of things.
Bob prefers structure, routine, and planning. While we dated, we ate the same kind of pizza every week. It should have been a clue, but I’m not sure I caught on. While I like plans, I can shift easily if something more appealing comes along. My hubby gets dressed in the same order everyday. I’ve been known to leave clothes strewn all over the bedroom as I decide what to wear.
As you can imagine these differences have caused some tension in our relationship. For the first two decades, we weren’t aware of how our differences influenced our marriage. There was just a lot of nit-picking and annoyance with each other. Our foundation was strong. We loved each other, we were committed for life, but there was often underlying tension, and we didn’t know how to make it better.
We stumbled upon a book by Emmerson Eggerich called Love and Respect. The author coined this phrase, “Not wrong, just different.” He explains your spouse isn’t wrong in the way they do things or experience the world. It’s simply a different perspective from your own. These phrase, “not wrong, just different,” has rescued Bob and I from a million conflicts. It helps us step back and appreciate the differences instead of holding them against each other.
We are able to extend more grace to each other when we recognize what our spouse needs in a situation based on how they’re wired. For example: I don’t spring sudden ideas on Bob and expect a decision because he needs time to think through all the variables. When I give him time to think and process, it’s then easier for him to adapt. Sure, he doesn’t value spontaneity like I do. But, if I give him a little time to think about the suggestion, he’s more likely to be on board with me. I do this because I know that’s what he needs.
I believe God puts us with our spouse because they have something we need. They are a part of making us whole. So the very thing that drives you crazy, may just be what you need. I know I need to spend more time thinking and analyzing as much good can come from it. Bob also needs to learn that life isn’t frightening if everything isn’t planned out. There can be fun and joy in spontaneity.
How some things we’ve learned to survive our differences…
*Be a student of your spouse. Work hard at understanding how they’re wired and why they do what they do. Read up on personality. Enneagram is all the rage now and it really helps understand each other. There’s the Meyer Briggs assessment and Strength Finders to help you understand, also.
*Understand and appreciate your spouse’s history and family. The challenge in marriage is that we come from very different family styles and that can create friction. The beautiful thing about marriage is you can bring the best from your own background and leave the things behind that you don’t want to continue in your own marriage and family. Share the stories about how you were raised and what it was like with your siblings and parents because it helps foster connection and understanding.
*Learn to see the world from another’s perspective. We’re all basically egocentric and convinced our way of doing things is the best. True growth and maturity comes when we can view the world from someone else perspective, especially our spouse’s. God put you together so you could learn from each other, so allow that to happen in your marriage. You’ll be surprised how wonderful it feels for your mate to be understood. In marriage two become one, you bring the best of each other to create something wonderful for the world to see. Remember this, “not wrong, just different.”
I’ve included a free resource for you, Five Ways to Improve Your Marriage Today. Just click on the image below and you can download the pdf.