Boosting Empty Nest Marriage: Expert Tips for Lasting Connection
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“How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony!”-Psalm 133:1 NLT
Slow Friday Mornings
My hubby gathers the oatmeal, wheat flour, and buttermilk as he prepares our favorite Buttermilk Oatmeal Pancakes topped with blueberries. It’s our Friday morning routine as he moves with precision in the kitchen. He’s tidy and meticulous with each step. He cleans each dirty dish, and wipes the counter as he goes. It’s the complete opposite of how I cook. I prefer messy, unmeasured, and free! We balance each other out well.
I lounge on the sofa as he brings me another cup of Caribou coffee. I grin and smile as he bends down for a kiss. “You’re my favorite,” he whispers. The tension eases from my shoulders as I relax into our quiet Friday morning routine.
He doesn’t have to make me breakfast, but he wants to. About ten years ago he felt impressed by the Holy Spirit to serve me and this is one way he does it best. I spent the first 25 years of our marriage serving him and our five kids and I feel completely loved when he dotes on me like this.
It’s not fancy or fussy. The simple act of serving fills me. It’s the intentionality behind it that gets me. He thinks of me and as he moves beyond himself. I want to do the same for him.
Cultivate Connection
We cherish this empty nest season. As we shift our focus from our children, we discover new ways to connect. Slow Friday mornings, daily walks, and praying together have increased our intimacy in this transition. It doesn’t seem so scary when we’ve planned ways to be together to connect through having fun, or simple activities.
We don’t have to fear our empty nest when we are learning to cultivate a connection with our spouse. The bravest step we can take is to start doing life together. Instead of focusing on all the tasks we have separately, it’s beneficial to create space for each other and shared interests.
God has a precious promise is Psalm 133:1 NLT “How wonderful and pleasant it is when brothers live together in harmony!” Let’s substitute husbands and wives for brothers and see what we find. Our Creator says it is good for spouses to live in harmony. We live in tranquility as we care for each other and move in the same direction, towards each other and God. God says it is excellent and delightful. As God showers our union with love, He rekindles the devotion we have for one another.
How about you? Are you feeling disconnected with your spouse now that the kids have moved out? Do you sense distance in your relationship and you’d like to do something about it?
Four ways you can connect with your spouse in the empty-nest.
1. Remember why you chose each other: As the pressure of life and family consume us, we end up in a pattern of fault-finding instead of caring for our mate. This season is the perfect time to reminisce about the early days. Share the stories from when your love was new. Talk about what first attracted you to each other, then choose to see the good. What we focus on expands, so when we see the gifts in our spouse, we fall in love all over again.
2. Connect in simple ways: Finding connection does not have to involve grand gestures, like expensive vacations or weekends away. Instead find ways in your everyday, ordinary life to reconnect. Send each other texts, or call each other during the workday. Clean the house or cook dinner together. Sit on the porch and enjoy your morning coffee. Go for a daily walk together. Play a game or read your books snuggled up side-by-side on the couch. These actions are simple and they communicate, “I see you and I want to be near you.”
3. Pray together: Praying with your spouse is the ultimate act of intimacy and it might feel a little intimidating at first but with practice you can get comfortable. Praying together helps you focus on God’s good work in your marriage and family. Remember, prayer is simply a conversation with God. As you join hands, and humbly submit to God through prayer, you’ll feel a beautiful bond with your mate. There’s no way you can remain upset with a person you’re praying with because God is in your midst.
4. Have boundaries with your adult children.
Your life does not need to be swallowed up with your children’s concerns. You don’t have to babysit every time they need you. Learn to say “no.” You don’t have to spend hours worrying about them.They’re adults and responsible to meet their own challenges.This is a fresh season of freedom for you and your spouse. Let go of your grown children and focus on each other. You are free to be a little selfish.
It’s normal to feel disconnected when we first begin the empty nest. The best thing we can do is talk about it with each other. Acknowledge the elephant in the room together, then continue to be the team that we are, but now instead of focusing on the kids, we focus on each other. It’s a powerful pivot and one we’ll want to make with our husbands.
Let’s pray:
Dear Papa, Thank you for my empty nest. I must confess, I’m feeling a little unsettled in this new season. Give me wisdom, insight, and courage to talk to my husband about this pivot in our marriage. May his heart be open to changes as we lean in to each other and God. Help us discover new ways to connect. Amen.
Still struggling?
Is this you?
Are you feeling distant in your relationship with your husband?
Is there unresolved conflict?
Do you find yourself being critical of him?
Would you like to partner with God through prayer to improve your connection with your mate?
The Marriage Awareness Worksheet is filled with powerful questions to ask yourself from Empty Nest Coach, Pamela Henkelman. This thoughtful exercise is just between you and God. With a little vulnerability and an open heart before God, you'll become aware of the small adjustments you can make to experience a more harmonious marriage.
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