Revitalize Your Empty Nest Marriage: Remove Contempt to Embrace Respect
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“Show proper respect to everyone.” - 1 Peter 2:17
Discontent Rumbles
This low-level discontent rumbled in my heart for months. I was 26 years into our marriage, and I felt dissatisfied. Our nest started to empty but our busy ministry schedule, children’s activities, and obligations kept us running hard.
Maybe I was tired. Maybe I was frustrated with the ministry, nevertheless, I took it out on my husband.
He couldn’t do anything right, in my estimation. I’d mumbled under my breath and had critical, negative thoughts towards him. Oh, I didn’t act like anything was wrong. No sir! I kept up the charade!
Even coworkers at the church office noticed how we snipped at each other. Pastor Adam, our worship leader, called us on it one day. “You guys sure bicker a lot!” he said. “We do?” I thought, slightly irritated and convicted by his comment.
Here’s the deal, my husband knew nothing about my simmering contempt because I didn’t tell him. The problem wasn’t his behavior'; it was the condition of my heart. I allowed myself to be embittered and filled with contempt for his slightest missteps. I magnified his mistakes while I was puffed up with pride for what a great wife I was.
Goodness! What a recipe for disaster. I’m grateful the Lord met with me through prayer as He dealt with my pride. After reading Gary Thomas’, Sacred Marriage, I knew I needed to handle my heart (a.k.a. my sin).
As Gary Thomas recommended, I made a list of all my husband's admirable qualities: personality traits, physical attributes, and character qualities. It wasn’t hard to come up with a beautiful, long list. My heart swelled as I continued to add to the list. Then I made another list: all the ways I fell short. I listed my sins and they were many.
I was disgusted with myself, but I did not feel condemned. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I realized my shortcomings. God ministered to me, those weeks, as I prayed over these lists. My admiration for my husband grew and my understanding of all the ways I fell short had a lasting impact. I dealt with my pride before God and He was most tender with me. The contempt and discontent faded away.
It’s Hard to Face Our Sin
We struggle admitting our shortcomings, don’t we? We magnify our husbands faults while minimizing our own sins. But that’s not how Christ deals with us: Is it? We need to get honest about our hearts.
Contempt feels like a strong word, doesn’t it? It means the state of being despised, dishonored, or disgraced. Most of what happens in the realm of marriage begins with disrespect and dishonor. We don’t value the way God made our spouse. We nitpick and get easily annoyed. We believe our way is the best way. Sadly, pride is often behind dishonor or disrespect. It seeks to destroy our marriages. All forms of contempt must be eradicated in our empty nest marriages.
In Sacred Marriage, Gary Thomas, writes “Francis de Sales, the seventeenth-century author of the classic Introduction to a Devout Life wrote something in the latter that is simple but powerful: Have contempt for contempt.” He’s saying be disgusted by your dishonor or disrespect towards your spouse. Make it no part of your marital relationship because if you don’t, you will destroy your marriage. Gary Thomas goes on to say, “We are obsessed with being respected, but rarely consider our own obligation to respect others.”
Peter wrote to the Believers in Rome and said this. “Show proper respect to everyone.” -1 Peter 2:17. Peter talked about respecting authority, and our husbands fall in this realm. Now before we bristle about this word respect, we need to understand what it means. It simply means to honor our husbands. To prefer them over all others and treat them with kindness instead of contempt.
The antidotes for contempt are honor and respect.
Ask yourselves these questions:
Do you respect your husband?
Do you honor him?
Do you value the way God created him with his distinct personality and characteristics?
Do you understand God put you together to redeem you both, through your marital union?
Four Ways to Revitalize Your Empty Nest Marriage
1. Face your flaws.
You are not required to change your imperfect husband. That’s God’s doing, but you are called to face your own failure and sin. When you do, you are finally able to let go of the monster known as pride. You will go low, like Christ does, as you recognize your sin. This isn’t to make you feel bad, but to help you realize you need areas of growth in your marriage too. Humility is a cornerstone character trait for a follower of Christ. When you allow humility to manifest in your marriage, God is pleased.
2. Recognize the positive traits in your husband.
Instead of focusing on your husband’s flaws, choose to magnify his positive traits. Remember this truth: what you meditate on expands. When you rehearse his admirable qualities you will find more to appreciate. There’s a reason you chose this husband in the first place. It was because there are so many things you loved about him. Work to get back to that place. Make a list and pray over it like I did and watch God expand your love and honor for your husband.
3. Manage your mindset.
Instead of constantly thinking about what’s wrong, choose to do something about your thinking. Take note when criticism rises in your thoughts and manage it well. Choose to eradicate dishonor. Instead, believe the best about your husband. Practice gratitude instead of fault finding. What are you thankful for in your relationship? Gratitude is the surest formula to change your negativity into praise.
4. Cultivate honest conversation.
After you’ve handled your heart and prayed through practicing gratitude, have an honest conversation with your husband about your marriage. Counselors, Chris & Jamie Bailey said, “You need to label what you feel.” By simply addressing the “elephant in the room” you can get past it. So if you feel like you’re in a rough spot in your empty nest marriage, simply have a conversation.
Do it with oodles of grace and a gentle tone. Let there be no blaming or shaming. Use,” “I feel”: statements like “I feel_________when___________.” Then ask your husband how he feels. He may need time to think about it. The sooner you start honest conversations about your marriage, the sooner you can heal.
Often our empty nest marriage needs a little revitalization because we have let dishonor reign instead of respect and kindness. We cannot change our spouses, but we can surely bow before God and ask Him to examine our own hearts. In doing so, we'll be able to release dishonor and get back to the business of loving our husbands well.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, I’ve been short-sighted in my estimation of my husband. I’ve allowed disrespect and criticism to become forefront in our relationship and I don’t want to do that anymore. Help me humble myself before Your loving hand as You graciously forgive me. I want to honor and love my husband well. Help me remember all his positive qualities instead of magnifying his faults. Thank You for Your gentleness with me. Amen.
Still struggling?
Are you feeling distant in your relationship with your husband?
Is there unresolved conflict?
Do you find yourself being critical of him?
Would you like to partner with God through prayer to improve your connection with your mate?
The Marriage Awareness Worksheet is filled with powerful questions to ask yourself from Empty Nest Coach, Pamela Henkelman. This thoughtful exercise is just between you and God. With a little vulnerability and an open heart before God, you'll become aware of the small adjustments you can make to experience a more harmonious marriage.
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