How People Pleasers Are Burdened By Responsibility For Others
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“Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.”- John 13:35
Overextended
Belinda rolls out of bed, exhausted before the day starts. The kitchen sink is filled with last night's dishes. The load of laundry still sits on the couch unfolded. Her husband has already left for the office, so she’s in charge of wrangling the kids up for school and packing their lunches. She goes over the day's schedule. Elizabeth has soccer practice. Andrew has a dentist appointment. Their small group meets at seven, and she’s promised to bring a dessert.
She mulls over the conversation with her boss before she leaves work yesterday. As she’s rushing out the door to get Elizabeth to soccer practice, her boss pulls her aside. “Hey Belinda, I need this report tomorrow morning. You're just so good with words, could you write it up for me? You’re the best. I can always count on you.” Belinda sighs and puts on a smile, knowing full well she doesn’t have time for this, but how can she say no to her boss? He would think less of her. She wonders if her job could be in jeopardy.
She feels the tension in her shoulders and doesn’t want to do it, but she feels trapped. She shrugs her shoulders and says, “Sure, I can get that quick for you.” Outside she appears calm, but inside she’s seething. “Why does he always wait til the last minute and then make me responsible? Why can’t he get his act together? Why does his emergency become my problem? Why can’t I say no?”
Steward Yourself Well
According to Psychology Today, most people-pleasers are burdened by what they have to do. They carry the weight of their “yes.” They’ve overextended themselves and don’t know how to get out of the trap. They misunderstand their capacity to get things done all because they don’t want to upset or disappoint someone else. They are good at making everyone happy except themselves.
Now, the opposite of people-pleasing is not selfishness. Let’s not swing that far, but the opposite of pleasing people is understanding responsibility. What am I bound to and what are other people responsible for? Most people don't understand this concept.
Dr. Henry Cloud says, “First of all let’s make the distinction between selfishness and stewardship. Selfishness has to do with a fixation on our own wishes and desires, to the exclusion of our responsibility to love others. Though having wishes and desires is a God-given trait, we are to keep them in line with healthy goals and responsibility.”
In a nutshell, Cloud is saying it’s not selfish to understand what I’m liable for and what others are responsible for. It’s not selfish to say no; it’s about stewarding yourself wisely. Most people-pleasers assume authority for others and it affects them negatively.
What if Belinda would have said, “My schedule doesn’t allow me to do this report.” Her boss might learn to manage his time better. His emergency does not have to be Belinda’s. What if Belinda asked her family members to actually be a part of the family and help around the house? She would feel less stress and help her children and husband become equipped.
I know these concepts feel intimidating to a people-pleaser, but the more we practice good personal stewardship, the stronger we’ll feel. We do it from a heart of gentleness and love, not out of a demanding spirit.
This week, let’s become aware of what we are answerable for and what belongs to others. Encourage others to be engaged for themselves while we steward ourselves wisely. I promise, with practice, you will feel the weariness lift.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, I’m scared to help other people become responsible for themselves. Fill me with courage to communicate this truth. Open my eyes to see what I’m responsible for and let me steward my responsibilities well. Help me release feeling responsible for others so they can embrace their own lives. Amen.
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