Four Ways to Move Away From A Pleaser Mentality
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I have a treat for you today, friends. My friend, Heather Bjur offers a clinical perspective on what is happening for the pleaser. You’re going to love this!
Confronted
He looked me in the eye and very matter-of-factly said, “Heather, your persona is ugly.”
My fork, laden with that day’s salad bar offerings, stopped mid-air.
I glanced down at my lunch, having suddenly lost my appetite.
In five words, Larry Crabb exposed my deepest fear and my one tried-and-true mechanism for making life work. I wanted to appear intelligent, competent, and most of all, likeable. I thought these attributes I was pushing to the forefront were attractive, and while they are when emanating from a place of authenticity and humility, I was beginning to discover my persona had nothing to do with either.
I felt like barfing.
The Mask
Each of us operates with what Larry calls a persona: a mask that hides our true self. As we grew up, we discovered that in order to live in our environment, we needed to curb certain parts of our personalities, and magnify others. For many, myself included, that involved working hard to be pleasing to others. Sometimes this behavior is also called codependency. We all have different reasons for doing what we do; some grew up in alcoholic homes where being on guard with your best behavior was necessary for survival in the face of a drunk, angry parent. Some of us found we had more friends if we conformed to what we perceived others wanted us to be.
Whatever the underlying impetus for adopting a ‘pleaser’ mentality, there are two core truths pleasers have in common.
1. Self-Forfeiture. Our job, as children, is to learn from the adults in our lives who we are and how we fit into the world. When our family of origin is in any way dysfunctional, children are often left to ‘fend for ourselves’ emotionally, thus growing up with an emotional, and subsequently, relational deficit.
“A dysfunctional family does not acknowledge that problems exist, talk about them, or confront them. As a result, family members learn to repress emotions and disregard their own needs. They become ‘survivors.’” - From Bondage to Bonding by Nancy Groom.
To survive in a world that demands we conform to certain expectations, we quickly learn how to act, what to say, and how to maneuver to achieve some sense of stability. In this maneuvering, we forfeit who we truly are, believing we are somehow unacceptable or unlovable.
Rather than developing healthy self-esteem, people-pleasers become who they perceive others want them to be. Pia Mellody, in her book, Facing Codependence, calls this “other esteem.” What typically follows is a low sense of self-worth, self-neglect, and inability to use personal boundaries.
2. Shame. Without a solid sense of self, a child moves into adulthood with a profound sense of shame and loss which usually translates into anger. When shame, loss, and the subsequent anger remain unhealed, the pleaser struggles in relationships, often giving until they’re resentful, and become embittered at the lack of mutuality in the care offered by those who claim to be friends.
Asking for needs to be met is a significant challenge. “What if they see me as needy or vulnerable? Being needy isn’t attractive!” Just beneath the surface and driven by shame, the constant fear of rejection lies, dictating the pleaser remain silent about her desires and stuck in unfulfilling relationships. She reasons, “It’s better to have some friends, rather than none at all.”
The same reasoning exists for always being available, becoming ‘over-responsible,’ and the inability to say ‘no.’ The people-pleaser becomes less and less her own individual, and angrier and more resentful of others in the process.
What hope or help is there for the struggling people-pleaser? For many, people-pleasing is a trauma response. We now know that when triggered, the emotional brain (amygdala) reacts in one of four ways: fight, flight, fawn, or freeze. Rather than kicking into high gear to fight against the situation at hand, running away, or becoming frozen in place, the people-pleaser fawns in an attempt to make the perceived threat retreat.
For those who find that their people-pleasing response stems from triggered trauma, finding a trauma-informed therapist would be a wise plan of action. A trauma-informed therapist is trained to help people navigate the feelings of danger and helplessness, practice self-soothing and mindfulness, and respond with loving care and self-compassion when triggered.
Four Tips
Here are four tips to help you discover a deeper sense of self and move away from the pleaser mentality.
1. You cannot be destroyed. This truth is critical for the recovering pleaser to embrace. Typically, at the core of the pleaser’s soul is a deep, primal fear of being rejected, abandoned, or destroyed in some way. As a Believer, she can learn to rest, secure in the fact that she is held together by Jesus. She cannot be destroyed. YOU cannot be destroyed.
2. Learning to establish healthy boundaries is vital. When we enable others, say yes when we want to say no, or take on more responsibility than is ours, we rob others of the ability to choose and develop autonomy and a sense of self. We can look to Jesus as our example: he allowed people to make their own decisions, set boundaries around his ministry and time away for rest and renewal, and was clear with his ‘yes’ and ‘no.’
3. People-pleasing is actually a self-focused way of life. (Ouch!) This is true for any of our mechanisms for making life work. Our masks and personas are all created to preserve self. Don’t fall for the lies that ‘boundaries are selfish’ and constantly giving ourselves away is godly.
4. Humility and repentance are key. When I find myself falling back into old patterns and operating out of a place of self-protection, I know that’s an opportunity to offer myself and my silly methods back to Jesus in a sigh of repentant relief, “Oh, here I am again, Jesus! Hold my soul together. Let me remain soft and in tune with your heart.”
Moving towards freedom is a process. Some days we have victories, and other days we find ourselves on our face again, offering up our ugly personas to the One who has made us truly beautiful. Thankfully, He is always at work, never leaving us on our own.
This is a worthwhile journey, one that will reap a harvest of wisdom and grace. I am so thankful that Larry told me the truth that day. He said it with such care and I felt so loved. He showed me myself, one of the greatest gifts I’ve been given.
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a Certified Spiritual Director, Heather is drawn to the depth and richness of the human soul. Words like desire, lament, connection, and restoration describe just a bit of the way she engages the world.
Leaning heavily on the Holy Spirit, her heart is to come alongside those who have been wounded in relationships. She leads with curiosity, affirmation, and grace, as it is in the presence of these gifts that she found healing as well. On a constant quest for growth and maturity, Heather believes we can only take people where we've been.
She currently practices at Valley Christian Counseling Center in Fargo, North Dakota, where her therapeutic focus is freedom from codependency and emotional legalism. She lives in western Minnesota with her husband, Chris and her two boys, Elijah and Ezra.
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