4 Powerful Reasons Why You Need to Be Empathetic

 “He who has knowledge restrains and is careful with his words, and a man of understanding and wisdom has a cool spirit.” Proverbs 17:27 AMP

Dismissed

John was home from college ready for a summer to work and reconnect with old friends. He leaned against the kitchen island, shoulders slumped, eyes downcast as his mom, Elizabeth loaded the dishwasher. “What’s wrong, Bud?” quipped Elizabeth. “Jenny said we need a break in our relationship. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now,” he whispered. 

Elizabeth continued to load the dishwasher and in her usual upbeat, positive attitude said, “Honestly, she wasn’t my favorite. At least you’re young. There are plenty of great girls out there. Just go pick another one!”

John bristled at her comment and thought, “When will she ever care about how I feel? I’m tired of being dismissed.” The divide in their relationship grew as John slinked out of the kitchen to go to his room. 

Do you practice empathy?

How empathetic are you as a mom? Are you good at joining your adult child in their pain, refusing to rescue or fix or make it about you? Do you minimize their pain and ask them to get over it?

I did not practice empathy well for many years, and it left my grown kids feeling overlooked and unvalidated. I could see the pain in their eyes, but I never understood until my son pointed it out. “I just want what I feel to be validated,” was his plea.

Perhaps, like me, you didn’t know. 

You were ignorant.

I don’t think empathy was modeled for me.

I had to learn. 

When we empathize with our adult child it builds connection. 

Let’s be honest, we are all wired a little differently. Some of us are deep feeling, realists, while others, like me, are optimists, ever seeing the glass half full. This difference can be the root of  tension in our relationships when we don’t recognize our adult child’s pain. We can’t simply gloss over someone's feelings because we aren’t experiencing pain. Empathy gives us permission to join our children in their pain.

It is a deep human need to be seen and heard, to be recognized and understood. Empathy is the gift which fosters a deep bond.

We look to Jesus as our model for empathy: “When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled.  “Where have you laid him?” he asked.“Come and see, Lord,” they replied. Jesus wept.” - John 11:33-35 NIV

Mary and Martha lost their brother, Lazarus. They mourned as they waited for Jesus to arrive. Upon his arrival, he was aware of their sorrow. He was deeply moved to tears and joined them in their pain. He didn’t offer solutions or diminish their pain. He met them in their heartache and wept with them.  

You can do the same when your grown child hurts. You can stop what you are doing, look them in the eyes, and acknowledge their sorrow. Refrain from platitudes and cheerfulness. Open your heart and feel what they feel. Sit with them and say, “I’m here for you.”

The Benefits of Empathy:

• It validates the sufferer’s feelings. Brene’ Brown said, “Empathy is feeling with people.  It’s a sacred place where someone is in a deep hole and you go down and join them. When they say, ‘I’m stuck and overwhelmed.’ You respond with, ‘I don’t know what to say, but I’m glad you told me.’” A person in pain needs to feel safe to be honest. They need us to recognize the state of their pain without fixing it. They want to feel seen and heard. 

• It communicates compassion. Tenderness is the heartbeat of empathy. When we are empathetic we move beyond ourselves and others and we focus on them. There can be no selfishness in empathy. 

Jesus’ ministry was founded on compassion as he stopped and ministered to the hurting. When we pause and notice our adult child’s pain, it communicates compassion in a powerful way. When we refrain from speaking it ministers love. It’s not enabling; it’s the cornerstone of knowing God.

• It fosters connection. Your hurting child does not want to be fixed; they want to bond with you. Empathy is the act that fosters connection because to be empathetic you must be self-aware and recognize when you feel hurt so we can identify with their pain. It requires vulnerability to meet someone in their pain.

• It frees us from judgment. There’s no need for judgment when we practice empathy. We don’t ponder whether their pain is valid. When someone is hurting, that’s reason enough to connect. The pain is real to them. We honor their feelings, judgment free. 

 Don’t Say This: At Least   

Brene’ Brown says, “When we say things like ‘at least…’ we completely negate our grown child’s feelings. We do this because we want to make them feel better instead of centering ourselves in the middle of their anguish. Perhaps you're afraid to face the pain. This phrase minimizes your child’s feelings and we don’t want that to happen.

Three things you can say to your adult child that will communicate empathy.

• Thank you for sharing that with me.

• I love you, and I’m sorry this is so hard right now.

• I don’t know what you say, but thank you for your honesty.

When we lean in and acknowledge our grown child’s pain, it strengthens our bond. It invigorates our union and ushers peace to a hurting heart. What we say in a moment of heartache communicates much. Let’s be moms who aren’t afraid to love our hurting kids.

Dear Papa, Give me awareness so I can see when my adult child is hurting. Help me not avoid their pain, but instead join them in it and love them through it. Help me not express platitudes or offer solutions. Give me the grace to be present with the hurting, like Jesus modeled for us. Amen

Still struggling? Would you like a little help with communication with your young adult?

 I have a free guide,10 Things Moms Say That Frustrate Their Adult Children (and 5 Ways to Stop Yourself From Saying Them). Leave your name and email so I know where to send it.