Holiday Grace: Navigating Family Gatherings with an Adult Child Who Rejects Christianity

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Holiday Grace: Navigating Family Gatherings with an Adult Child Who Rejects Christianity

“But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint”.- Isaiah 40:31


Holiday Tension

It felt like a rubber band was stretched across her chest as Julia scraped the dinner plates and loaded the dishwasher. Her daughter Maddie would be returning home for her break from university. Fear rushed in as Julia thought about their last difficult interaction. 

Julia was aloof and tense that weekend. She just didn’t seem like herself. Julia sensed something was going on but she couldn’t get Maddie to talk.  She woke Maddie up Sunday morning and said, “It’s time for church, Babe.”  “I’m not going.” Julia barked. Aghast, she yelled back. “What do you mean you’re not going? As long as you live in this house, you’ll go to church with your dad and I.”  “You can’t make me,” she hollered. 

 Julia quietly closed the bedroom door and slumped away to her bedroom to cry. “Where did I go wrong, Lord? she wailed, as tears stained her pillow. “She’s so far from you and I feel like an utter failure. Please help me.” she prayed. 

Reflecting over the weekend, Julia noticed every time she reached out to connect with Maddie, it felt like her walls were up. “Maybe she sensed my judgment?” she wondered. “Maybe I was unnecessarily harsh?” she thought. Just thinking about spending time with her daughter over the holidays stressed her out. “Lord, there’s got to be a better way. Please help me,” she prayed, as she wiped off the counters.

Does Julia’s story ring true for you? Do you identify with the heartache, pressure, and shame a mom carries when her grown child rejects her faith? 

Are you flooded with questions:

  • Why God?

  • Where did I go wrong?

  • What will others think of me?

  • What if they experience complete separation from God?

  • How can we get along when we disagree?

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7 Ways to Pray for Your Adult Children

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7 Ways to Pray for Your Adult Children


“Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it and it will be yours.”-Mark 11:24

If you don’t pray for your adult child, who will?

These words were whispered to my heart, by the Holy Spirit, one morning as I sat with God. The velocity of the truth ripped through my soul. It got me wondering about who was actually praying for my children.  Perhaps my married children’s spouse’s did. Perhaps close friends. Maybe friends from their small group. Certainly my husband prayed for them and their grandma interceded on their behalf. Probably my son and daughter in law's parents prayed for our kids. 

 What about my grown children who weren’t walking with God? Who’s praying for them?

The Spiritual Folks

 We want the more spiritual folks to do the praying: the pastors, pastor’s wives, spiritual leaders, and missionaries.They know exactly what to pray and how to pray it. We feel more comfortable agreeing with their prayers.  We want to believe our children are supported through prayer, but in reality, the list is probably quite short. 

 If I’m one of the few people praying for my grown children, how does that impact my prayer life? It got me wondering:

  •  Could prayer be my first response instead of my last resort? 

  • What if I stepped away from formal prayers and just talked to God about what was going on in my grownup kid’s lives? 

  • What if I released control and surrendered it all to God?

  •  What would it look like if I exchanged my worries for confidence in God?

  •  What if I replaced doubt with faith?

  •  What if I allowed a mustard seed of faith to grow concerning my offspring? 

  • What if prayer were the antidote to distress?

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Ten Proven Tips for Handling Tough Conversations with Your Adult Child

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Ten Proven Tips for Handling Tough Conversations with Your Adult Child

With any great dish, we need the right mix of ingredients for the recipe to turn out well. The same goes for our conversations with our adult children, especially when it involves difficult topics. 

You can’t hope it goes well. When we are haphazard with our words and actions, we create tension and stress in our relationships. Our bond is broken and bitterness can invades our union.

 When we prepare well and keep a few principles in place, we can navigate a difficult topic with confidence. Our relationship remains intact. In fact, it might even be stronger when we’re finished because we’ve kept these guiding principles in mind:

1.You must be courageous.

   When I work with my coaching clients, they are often plagued with fear, when it comes to discussing difficult topics with their children. They end up not having the conversation and their relationship fails. 

When you ask God to fill you with courage, He will. He is faithful. You never go into any difficult conversation alone. The Holy Spirit is present to give you confidence and strength. Don’t wait to be unafraid; move forward in spite of any nervousness you feel. 

The Big Question: How could your relationship improve if you had more courage?

2. You need to choose the right timing.

    Avoid having important conversations when either of you are distracted, tired, or hungry. Be courteous and thoughtful. However, don’t be hyper vigilant thinking everything has to be perfect or you’ll never have the conversations. Be mindful of the season of life, work habits, and your child’s emotional capacity, before you have the conversation.

The Big Question: Is there anything going on that would be a hindrance to this conversation?

3.  You need to practice effective listening.

   Your job is to listen to understand. You want to fully engage by not trying to think of what you’ll say next. Instead, listen for the unspoken, nonverbal cues too, so you have a complete picture of what your child is saying.

The Big Question: What could be a positive outcome of you listening well?

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Why Difficult Conversations with Your Adult Child Strengthens Your Relationship

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Why Difficult Conversations with Your Adult Child Strengthens Your Relationship

 Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. - James 1:19

Avoidance Tactics

Elizabeth stared out the window as she drove with her husband to the grocery store. She ruminated over a missed opportunity with her youngest daughter, Mackenzie. Instead of feeling courageous, she shrank into fear and avoided a hard conversation with Mac. 

She noticed her daughter talked less about God. Mac was a junior in college and she rarely attended church. Her once loved Bible was untouched on a shelf in her childhood bedroom. She always had an excuse not to attend: work, a college project, or weekends away with friends. Mackenzie declined whenever mom invited her to church too.

 Elizabeth wanted to bring it up, but she was afraid of offending her daughter. Everytime she tried to talk about it she would shrink back, fearing she didn’t have the right words.

 Deep down she didn’t really want to know why Mac had walked away from God. She felt like a failure as a mom. It was easier to remain at surface level with her daughter instead of wading in deep. “What if she rejects God forever,” Elizabeth thought. “I couldn’t bear that.” 

Avoiding the topic made Eliabeth feel far away from her daughter. All she was left with was a gaping hole in their relationship. “There has to be a better way,” she thought.  “It’s time we talked about it.”

Have you ever tiptoed around a conversation with your adult child?

We worry about not having the right words. We don’t want to come across as overbearing  or close-minded. Often we feel inadequate knowing we need grace and kindness as we approach the subject. We understand we can’t become defensive, but we don’t know what that looks like.

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7 Uplifting Prayers Your Heart Needs When Your Adult Child Struggles

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Prayer Matters

Your prayers are impactful.

When your adult child struggles, you feel helpless, as you want to rush in and rescue, but you know that’s not the best way to proceed. Your fixing stunts your adult child’s growth. Instead of rescuing, there’s a better way. Support them through prayer.

Prayer is an act of grace and a defiant “no” to the enemy’s schemes in your grownup child’s life. Instead of being upset, you bow your head and engage with your powerful God.

Prayer changes you, as you lay down your rights and get in tune with God’s work on the earth and in your adult child’s life. You trade your worries and fears for confidence in your Maker. You trust your good God will see your child through each struggle. Growth will come. Hope will rise as you intercede.

Remember, your child will struggle; troubles come to all of us. When it all feels too much for you to bear, turn to these prayers. Sit with God and pour it all out, as you exchange your fears for His lovingkindness and grace.

1. A Prayer of Lament When You Need to Be Honest with God

Scripture: 

“Bend down, O Lord, and hear my prayer;  answer me, for I need your help. Protect me, for I am devoted to you. Save me, for I serve you and trust you. You are my God.” Psalm 86:1-2

  Prayer:

Oh, God, it hurts deeply to see my child struggle. I’m hurting and I’m overcome with worry, but I know I need to run to you. So here I am, pouring it all out. I need your help. My child needs your help. Hear me and answer me because I love you and you love me. I know you are my faithful God. Amen.

2. A  Prayer for Releasing the Need to Fix Your Child

Scripture:

“You say, “I am allowed to do anything”—but not everything is good for you. And even though “I am allowed to do anything,” I must not become a slave to anything.” Corinthians 6:12

Prayer: 

Dear God, you know I want to rush in and make everything better for my child. I could, but if I did, it would thwart their growth. So give me strength to understand what my child is responsible for and what I’m responsible for. I do not want to get in the way of their maturing. Amen

3. A Prayer for Relinquishing Control of Outcomes

Scripture:

  “You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.”- Proverbs 19:21

 Prayer:        

God, you know I struggle with expectations about how my child’s life should go. Help me surrender my plans for your purposes. You, alone, know what’s best for my adult child. I relinquish my desire to impact any outcomes. I know your plans and purposes are best. I accept them wholeheartedly. Amen.

4. A Prayer for When You Need to Accept Your Child’s Troubles

Scripture:

 “But Job replied, “You talk like a foolish woman. Should we accept only good things from the hand of God and never anything bad?” So in all this, Job said nothing wrong.”- Job 2:10

Prayer:

Oh, Lord, you know I get this wrong so often. I assume you only give good gifts so when troubles come I’m disappointed in you. That’s the wrong way to view you. Help me understand you allow hardship because you care about my child’s relationship with you, more than their comfort. You are good. You are always good, even when difficulties arrive in my child’s life. Amen.

5. A Prayer for When You Want to Trust God More

Scripture:

“The Lord is my strength and shield.I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.”-Psalm 28:7

Prayer:

Dear Lord, I know this season of my life is all about trusting you more. You love my grown kids more than I do, so help me lean into my relationship with you. Reveal your greatness and reassure me as you teach me how to trust you with my grown children. These kids are yours, and I trust you with my whole heart. I know you're working in unseen ways. I bless you for helping me. I praise your great name. Amen.

6. A  Prayer for Finding Strength in God

Scripture:

“O Lord, do not stay far away! You are my strength; come quickly to my aid!”-Psalm 22:19

Prayer:

Lord, I must confess, there are so many times I feel weak when it comes to my adult kids' struggles. I become consumed with worry and I know that’s not how you want me to live. Be my strength and shield. Help me understand apart from you I am weak and fragile. But when I lean on you, I am held, confident and secure. Be the strength of my life and my confidence forever. Amen.

7. A Prayer that Your Child Seeks God

Scripture:

“If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.”-Jeremiah 29:13

Prayer:

Papa, I ask you to draw my hurting child to your heart. Help them seek you with all their might. Help them lean into you through their suffering. Help them experience your love through these difficult days. When they are far from you, draw them closer, as you minister your love. Amen.

You have the privilege of praying when your adult child fails. Your prayers are important. “Because no one has the burden of heart for your adult children that you do, your prayer for them will have a fervency that no one else’s will have.” - Stormie Omartian, The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children

No one cares for your child more than you; you have a front row seat to God’s miracles in your child’s life. Keep praying, momma!

Can I pray for you?

Dear God of Tender Mercies, I praise you and thank you for this momma. Thank you for seeing her and hearing her. You are a responsive God. Bless this momma with peace in her heart. Give her unwavering confidence in you, her Mighty God. Pour out your steadfast love and faithfulness upon her as she intercedes for her child. Work all the difficult circumstances together for good. Turn misery into a miracle as this momma waits on you. Amen.

Still struggling? 

Grab my free guide, Your Kids Are Grown….Now What? It’s a four page guide to help you understand the three different phases of midlife motherhood. You’ll move from the Empty-Feeling mom, the Questioning Mom, and the Celebratory mom. The guide will help you see what to expect next. 

Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.

How to Support Your Struggling Adult Child

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How to Support Your Struggling Adult Child

“The name of the Lord is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.”- Proverbs 18:10

Amy’s Struggle

Julie felt the weight of her grown daughter’s struggles. Tension pressed across her forehead as she rehashed yesterday's conversation with Amy.  Amy had landed a job shortly after college, but then sunk into a depression after her long term boyfriend called it quits. Heartbroken and sad, Amy checked out. She no longer cared for herself, and called in “sick” to work, often. 

As a way to support her daughter, Julie agreed to a nightly check in phone call. At first Julie felt relieved to hear from her daughter, but as time progressed, so did Amy’s complaining. Amy was spiraling into bitterness and hopelessness. 

Julie woke one morning after another fitful night of sleep and prayed, “God, I cannot do this anymore. Amy is exhausting me. Please give me wisdom to support Amy without taking on her emotional load. Give me courage to set some boundaries with Amy because I’m losing myself in the pain. Amen.”  

How About You?

Have you ever faced sleepless nights and days of worried thoughts because your grown child isn’t thriving?

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Top Ten Things Moms Should Know Before Launching Their Kids

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Top Ten Things Moms Should Know Before Launching Their Kids

Are you ready for it?

Hey there, momma!

So, picture this: your kiddo is on the verge of spreading their wings and taking on the big, wide world. Exciting, right? But, let's be real, it's also a bit nerve-wracking. As Christian moms, we know there's more to this launch than just packing bags and giving pep talks. It's about trusting God and preparing yourself for the biggest shift in your motherhood.  So, before we send our little ones off into the unknown, let's chat about the top ten things moms need to know before launching their kids.

1. Allow your child to be autonomous: 

No grown child wants you to be a hovering, helicopter mom. That’s just annoying! It’s normal when your child wants his independence and control over his own decision. This is the goal of parenting. They want to become their own person and you need to let them become just that. You gotta get out of the way. Even if it means them moving away or heading in a direction you wouldn’t select. You must let them fly.

The Big Question: What are you doing to encourage your child to make choices for his life?

2. Don’t make this season about you:

This transition is not about you; it’s about your emerging adult and what is best for him. There will be time for you to process transitional grief, but don’t do that with your child. That will hurt him. Instead, Brenda Yoder, author of Fledge said, “Be the kind of mom you needed when you young. This will ensure your child feels loved and supported. This is important! It’s what they need most! You’ll have time to handle your emotions alone, with God.

The Big Question: What can you do to remember this is about your child not you?

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Embracing the Bittersweet with High School Seniors

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Embracing the Bittersweet with High School Seniors

 “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 4:6-7

Bittersweet Moments

I watched Rebekah gracefully cross the stage to accept her certificate, confident and composed, as my mind flashed to her four-year-old-self. I saw her in her purple sequined tutu and her first pair of tap shoes, blissfully on stage at her first dance recital.  Her wavy hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun, with a purple feather hat tipped to the side. She grinned from ear to ear as the music faded up. Her brown eyes sparkled as she danced. 

I remembered the challenging middle school years where girls hurled insults and hurt her tender heart. “Mean Girls” wasn’t just a movie, it was a shocking reality for my young teen. She navigated rejection and learned important lessons about friendship.  

High school brought endless leadership opportunities and growth. And here we were at the end, as our calendar was filled with events.The final Choir Concert, Spring Musical, National Honor Society Banquet, Prom, Student Council Banquet, Speech Banquet. She happily walked through each event while I thought my heart would break in two. 

How would I survive bittersweet moments, tumbling together, one after another? Is this what letting go feels like?

Emotional Swings

Maybe you’ve felt these emotional swoops as high school graduation season is upon us.

Moms will experience immense contradictory emotions as they navigate the end of their children's high school. Know this is normal. This is part of the transition. This is where we feel unsettled and at peace. How is this even possible? You’re not losing your mind; you're just moving through a big moment in your motherhood.

We live in the tension of “big feelings" and confidence in God. We’ll experience abundant joy and deep sorrow. We are stuck longing for the past, but hopeful for the future. We’ll experience regret for our mistakes and pride for the ways we parented well. We will wrestle with doubt and cling to God

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Mastering Grace: Nurturing Relationships with Adult Children

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Mastering Grace: Nurturing Relationships with Adult Children

 “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness” - 2 Corinthians 12:8

Mastering Grace

What mother doesn’t want a healthy thriving relationship with her grown children? It’s what we dream of, right? We want connection, to be noticed, valued, and loved. Our adult children want that, too. 

Mastering grace takes practice, prayer, self-awareness, and reliance on God. It means we approach our adult children differently than when they were young and under our roof. We will falter and fail. We’ll say too much, or ask too many questions. We’ll want to rush in and fix or rescue instead of allowing our children to problem solve for themselves. We’ll forget they are separate from us and stand before God on their own now. They are free to make their own choices and that might scare us the most. 

Grace is what we need.

Grace Through Weakness

One of the most popular verses about grace is found in 2 Corinthians 12:8 “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” The context of the passage is how Paul had a thorn in his flesh that he asked God to remove. Scholars differ on what the thorn was, either sickness or a group of people trying to stop him from spreading the gospel. 

Paul prayed for God to remove this thorn and God did not. It’s then we see God answers that His grace is all you need. His power works best in weakness. God is saying Paul’s human weakness was an opportunity for the power of Christ to work through him by God’s grace. 

How does this impact a mom with adult children?

It means that when we feel ill prepared, or struggle on how to adapt in our role as a mother with adult kids, Christ empowers us do it well. If and when we feel frustrated or overwhelmed, we realize in our weakness, God’s grace comes through to help us nurture a healthy relationship with our children. Instead of berating ourselves for our weakness, we praise God for His help.

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Why Moms Must Thrive Through God's Grace Now

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Why Moms Must Thrive Through God's Grace Now

What is Grace?

As moms, we are in desperate need of God’s grace.

We are called to receive God’s grace, but what does that mean?

Grace is a term we throw around a lot in church culture, and it’s a consistent theme through the old and new testament. Most define grace as an “undeserved favor,” but my hubby, the pastor, often teaches how grace is the empowerment to make good choices. It’s God’s influence over our lives. When we partner this beautiful idea of undeserved favor with empowerment, we see the fullness of God's grace.

Grace flows from His character, then spills over into us as our Maker enables us to love our adult children well. 

Favor + Empowerment

Let’s look at some verses to explain:

“[We] are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.” - Romans 3:24 Paul is writing to the church in Rome to explain that our salvation in Christ is a free gift. God is that good! We cannot do anything to earn it; we receive it with thanksgiving. Paul is saying God’s undeserved favor and love come to us because of the redemptive work of the cross.

What does this mean for a mom of adult kids? It means that we have God’s favor and generosity at our disposal. We don’t have to be so hard on ourselves as we adjust to parenting adult children. We accept the benevolence of God as we learn how to relate to our children in a new way.

Let’s look at this verse:

“God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” - 2 Corinthians 9:8 Again, Paul is writing to another church, this time, in Corinth. Here Paul is saying grace is an empowerment to live the right way. This is God's power working through us to live the way Christ has called us to. 

For the mom with grownup kids, it means we have access to the power of God to do the hard things in our relationship with our kids. This includes letting go, listening well, and not rushing in to fix or rescue. This means when our kids want to move states away, we don’t view it as rejection. Instead, we accept their choice and bless them. Perhaps our child rejects God. Instead of losing faith, we learn to trust God as He works on our child’s heart. Instead of judging our child, we trust God to perfect our child’s faith in Him.

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Dealing with Parental Estrangement: a Guide for Moms

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Dealing with Parental Estrangement: a Guide for Moms

“Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”- Romans 12:18

Two Broken Hearts

Parental estrangement is on the rise and it devastates families. Communication breaks down and it’s easier for the child to slip away. Mom is left heartbroken with no understanding of why the child has cut her out. Two people who once loved each other are now separated. It doesn’t have to be this way.

There are steps a mom can take to improve her relationship with her estranged child and care for herself at the same time. This will require humility, compassion, empathy, and reliance on God. Please note, if the child is toxic or abusive, mom needs strong boundaries.

Both mom and her child are hurting deeply or the estrangement wouldn’t have happened. It would be easy for mom to nurse her wounds, but reconciliation requires her to step into her child’s world and understand her offspring’s perspective. Simultaneously, mom must be diligent to care for herself. There needs to be a delicate balance of compassion for her child and herself. 


God’s Perspective on Estrangement

What is God’s perspective on estrangement? I imagine it breaks His heart. God created us for a relationship with Him, first, then it trickles to our family and friends. Unfortunately, God understands our tendency towards selfishness, disagreement, and willfulness. 

In conflict, we want there to be a right and a wrong party, but both mother and adult child suffer when a relationship is severed. Paul writes to the church in Roman with the understanding that relationships are difficult. He admonishes the Believers in Romans 12:18, “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”

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Embracing Now: Nurturing Peace for Worrier Moms

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Embracing Now: Nurturing Peace for Worrier Moms

Runaway Thoughts

As I loaded the dishwasher, worry clung to me like a staticky silk skirt. Soon Rebekah would drive seven hours from Evangel University, in Springfield, Missouri, to our home in Iowa. “Was it even a good idea for a single young woman to travel across the country alone?”, I wondered. My imagination ran wild as I envisioned car trouble, or worse, an attack at a gas station, or a horrific car accident. I’d be so far away, it would take forever for me to get to her. 

Anxiety mounted in my chest. Every scenario I played out in my mind had a deadly ending. I shook my head back to the present, astonished how far I had let my imagination wander. Shame enveloped me. It was ridiculous and so unbecoming of the woman of God I was. Why did I have such a small view of God in those moments? Why had I let worry run free in my mind?  

Worry and Fear

We get lost in worry for the future, don’t we momma? Peace is swept away as anxiety grows in our hearts and minds. What’s a momma to do?

There are two things that keep us from the present with our adult children: worry and fear. Oh, how easy it is for moms to jump ahead and fear the unknown future. These negative forces take root in our thoughts as we predict events that haven’t even happened. We’re consumed with “what ifs.” We are robbed of our peace and joy. 

Julie LeFebure, author of, Right Now Matters, said, “The future becomes a distraction when we allow fear and worry to fill it.” Do we realize our worry is a distraction? The enemy designed it so it would make us take our eyes off God. We get focused in unseen places and we completely miss God.  

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From Nostalgic to Now: Empowering Moms to Embrace the Present

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From Nostalgic to Now: Empowering Moms to Embrace the Present

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?” - Isaiah 43:18-19

Shuffling Down Memory Lane

Angela sat crossed-legged on the wood floor surrounded by tattered photo albums of her kids. How many times had she returned to them to reminisce? “Who even uses photo albums anymore?” she wondered.

Memories flooded her mind as she recalled tender, silly moments with her growing children. It was so much easier then. She knew exactly what to do. Even when she questioned her mothering skills, she knew how to find answers. Her local MOPS group was filled with friends and squirrely kids. Moms traded parenting tips like their kids exchanged Pokemon cards. They prayed together and clung to each other. There was so much support. They scoured Parenting magazine and listened to Dr. Dobson's, Focus on the Family. The answers to parenting questions were plentiful back then.

There was a rhythm to life that revolved around feeding, bathing, playing, and bedtime routines with her children. Every season she’d sort through their clothing and assess what new items they needed. Hand Me Downs and garage sale finds were traded between kids. 

Her biggest problems were endless laundry, bickering kids, defiant toddlers, and the need to cook another meal for her hungry crew. Oh, how she wished she could go back in time where she felt assured of her role in this world. Her children adored her, even if they did have moments of tension, she knew how to make it better.


Right Now

Now that her children are grown, life feels more complicated. The stakes are higher. There are bigger obstacles, and she’s supposed to “let go.” How can she honor the past, but not get stuck there?  


Pitfalls of Living in the Past

It’s normal for moms with adult children to get stuck in the past. Nostalgia overwhelms us and we don’t always accept the grownup child in front of us. Truth be told, we’d rather go back to simpler days. Nostalgia has its place. It’s okay to reminisce, as long as we don’t get stuck in some idealized version of the past.   

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Tips for a Stress-Free Holiday with Adult Children

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Tips for a Stress-Free Holiday with Adult Children

Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! - Romans 12:16 NLT

Kids Return to the Nest

”They’re here!” hubby said, as we ran out on the porch, undeterred by the blustery December winds. Bekah and Ryan jumped out of the car and grabbed their frisky puppy, Bea. Bob helped them haul in their luggage while we exchanged hugs on the porch. “Hey Beautiful Girl," I whispered, “It’s so good to have you home.”  Exhausted after their seven hour drive from Missouri, we plopped down on the living room couch to relax. 

Grandsons, Teddy and Gus arrived bright eyed and ready to go with mom and dad in tow. Had they grown another inch? I wondered. Moriah swept in with her cat, Desmond, and the mischief level in the house rose exponentially.  Caleb and Ashia were the last to arrive from Minnesota. We wrapped them in warm hugs.  Forrest and Keziah had a short three hour drive. They schlepped baskets of laundry and bright smiles.

I soaked in the goodness as I surveyed the room. Our kids were all home together, and it was the sweetest feeling: a mixture of nostalgia and pride. They’re all grown. Our work is done and now we connect as friends and peers. Sometimes I’m shocked we’re at this stage already. Wild, busy children gave way to real adults. The transformation is stunning.

“When are you going to buy a sectional mom?” Moriah quips! Every single time the kids come home that’s what they ask.  Sheesh! Yes, our living room is a little cozy for 13 people, but I don’t even care. “Get over it,” I winked, secretly hoping we can get a sectional one day. 

A Stress Free Holiday

How do we manage a household of adult kids who have differing views and perspectives? How do we handle difficult conversations with grace and truly enjoy our time together? How do we make room for apologies and tenderness when tensions rise? How do we handle schedules and meal prep so mom isn’t exhausted?

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Managing Holiday Expectations with Adult Children: Tips for a Joyful Holiday Season

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Managing Holiday Expectations with Adult Children: Tips for a Joyful Holiday Season

 “Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth.” - 1 Timothy 6:6


Longing for Christmas Past

Angela riffled through the familiar Christmas boxes, as she quietly set up the tree. Memories of Christmases past swirled through her mind. Christmas morning arrived with bleary eyed kids awake early, while gooey cinnamon rolls baked in the oven. The smell of cinnamon and a fresh brewed pot of coffee wafted through the home. The three eager kids were lined up on the couch, in their matching Christmas jammies, waiting for them to doll out their presents. “Which one did Santa bring?” the youngest exclaimed as Angela and her hubby shared a knowing glance.

Hours were spent on the floor playing with their new toys, while discarded Christmas wrapping and bows floated around the room. Lego sets were carefully organized at the table as little boys built their new creations. They could barely pull the kids away from their new treasures to enjoy a little Christmas breakfast. 

“I wonder what Christmas will be like this year?” Angela thought. I wish we could go back to those simple days when all the kids were at home. We had them all to ourselves. It was so easy. We didn’t have to share with in-laws. I wish we could just keep it all the same forever. I feel sad that those days are gone.  


A Season to Adapt

We long to cling to the good ole days when our kids were young and we knew exactly what to expect. It was easier. We weren’t required to adapt. We wouldn’t be disappointed. We understand this tension of longing for the past but realize we must adapt for the good of the whole.

 This is a new season with our adult children and holding on to old expectations is the surest way to ruin the holiday season for our whole family. We have a gracious God who willingly supports us as we learn new ways.

Let's define expectations so we’re all on the same page.  According to Collins Dictionary, a person's expectations are strong beliefs they have about the proper way someone should behave or something should happen.

For moms, a lot of expectations center around how we believe the holidays should look for our families. When our kids don’t meet those expectations it causes tension.Disappointment bubbles up, resentment brews.

Do you have expectations of what the holiday season should look like? Are you crushed when your expectations aren’t met by your grown kids? What if there were a better way for us to enjoy the holiday season with our growing families?

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Why It's Important to Pray for Your Adult Child

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Why It's Important to Pray for Your Adult Child

The Invitation to Pray

Have you ever had a directive straight from heaven? I heard the Spirit whisper clearly one day, “If you don’t pray for your adult children, who will?”

The impact of that question rattled around in my heart and head. Aside from their grandma, who was praying for our adult children? Besides their dad and I, who was interceding on their behalf? Maybe someone from church? Maybe their pastor? Maybe a few friends or their in-laws? The list seemed quite short in my estimation.

The significance of my “yes” to pray seemed magnified. “Challenge accepted, Holy Spirit!” I whispered.

We often feel unsettled when kids grow up and leave. We see them less often, and we have diminished impact over their choices. They have free will. They get to make their own path. This is God’s will for humanity. God wants our kids to choose Him but He will not force His hand. Instead He lovingly calls them to His heart.

We need to remember we still have influence through our prayers.

It’s a privilege to pray for our adult kids as they navigate relationships, health trials, young marriage, career choices, parenting “littles”, cultural wars, and what they believe about God.

Prayer is one thing we can do for our adult children. It’s an honor and privilege to intercede on their behalf. Prayer is the tool we use to surrender our wishes, and hold fast to the promises of God. Momma, you know how we are as moms. We think we know best and when life with our child doesn’t go how we think it should, we get a little upset. We question God’s goodness, we doubt His presence, and we feel abandoned. 

Prayer is the tool we use to reorient our hearts to God.

Stormie Omartian said it best in her book, The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children, “Prayer is not telling God what to do. Prayer is partnering with God to see that His will is done.”

More than anything I want God’s will done in my children’s lives. Even the ones who doubt He is real or feel hurt by the church. My continual prayer is they would have a fresh revelation of His great love for them.

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This is the Right Way to Set Strong Boundaries

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This is the Right Way to Set Strong Boundaries

Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. - Philippians 4:5 NLT

There is a right and a wrong way to set boundaries. The goal of boundary setting is to help everyone understand who is responsible for what. 

Never start a conversation about boundaries with this phrase,”This is my boundary…!” It is the surest way to offend your adult child because we sound demanding. Implementing boundaries is positive and helpful.

Setting Boundaries is not:

  • control

  • anger

  • rudeness

  • gas lighting

  • manipulation

  • selfish

Remember, the reason for your boundary. It’s so you won’t become burnt out or overwhelmed and so your adult child becomes responsible for themselves. Boundaries aid in understanding your capacity and limits. They’re a tool to foster healthy interdependent relationships with your adult children, but there is a right way to set them. 

First off, we have to establish what we need in the way of boundaries with our adult children. Boundaries are for you and about what you need in a relationship.

There are several types of boundaries:

  • Physical-has to do with personal space and privacy.

  • Emotional-what you will and won’t provide emotionally for your child

  • Financial-focuses on money and how you will or won’t help your adult child financially

  • Intellectual-encompass beliefs and ideas and the respect of your differences.

A boundary only becomes a limit when you have evaluated what you need, communicated with your child about it, then held said boundary. You must do all three parts otherwise it’s just wishful thinking. 

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Do's & Don'ts of Launching Your Child

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Do's & Don'ts of Launching Your Child

“May God give you more and more mercy, peace, and love.”-Jude 1:2 NLT

Move in Day

The August sun beat down as we unloaded our overpacked cars and schlepped items up to the third floor of her dorm. We passed sweaty students, as eager parents made sense of the small spaces. Our youngest daughter, Keziah was bright with excitement as we unpacked boxes and got her closet arranged just right. Her dad lugged the refrigerator up three flights and lofted the bed. We were thankful for a breeze through her window.

We gobbled some Chick Fil-A, made a Target run, then one last sweep of her room. We didn’t want to stay too long or do too much for her.  She plopped down on her cute futon under the lofted bed with the matching comforter and fluffy throw pillows. She looked content in her space, with little plants speckled about the room. She seemed ready. This was our cue to head home.

Why did she seem so assured and confident? This one was fiercely independent. All I could think of was I wouldn’t see her sweet face every day.  A lump formed in my throat as we said our goodbyes. Soft tears rolled down our cheeks. I think she cried for us more than herself. We knew this young woman would prosper in every way. 

The three hour ride home was quiet for my hubby and I. The familiar sadness of separation logged in the pit of my stomach.  All I could think about was how fast those eighteen years with her went. After 30 years of parenting our five kids, the nest was empty. Though I had made this transition five times, it never got easier for me. 

Transitions

When we launch our children to college, the military, or a job in a new city, it is one of the biggest transitions we will make as moms. It’s a mixed bag of jubilation and sorrow, excitement, and dread. We know what we must face once we return home to an empty bedroom.

We will miss their adorable faces and everyday interactions. We will long for the pile of dirty dishes in their rooms, and the friends they brought home. We’ll miss their voice and plopping down on their beds to chat. They’re absence changes the family dynamic, and that’s an adjustment too.  

Many questions fill our thoughts: Will they make friends?  Will they be lonely or homesick? Will they be responsible? Will they continue to love God? Will they be safe?

This is the season where we let go of our kids and cling to God. 

We understand the assignment.

We recognize everything has changed, but we are not left alone to figure it out. 

God lavishes mercy, peace, and love on us. He’s tender with us. He understands our heartache and He equips us to do things differently. As we are infused with love and peace, we are able to relate to our emerging adults in a fresh way.

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How to Manage Your Grief When Your Child Leaves

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How to Manage Your Grief When Your Child Leaves

“Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you. And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.” -Isaiah 30:18

College Drop Off

The sadness lingered below the surface as I gazed in the rearview mirror. Moriah’s warm amber eyes looked back at me as the wintry landscape was reflected in the car window. Oh, how I would miss those eyes and seeing her cuddled up on the couch with another novel. Who would instigate sibling teasing now? She was the mischievous one in our family. 

We headed to the city from our rural community to drop off our daughter at college. She graduated high school a semester early, then started college that January. “Was this even a good idea,” I wondered? Is she too young? I’m not ready to let her go. I flung a silent prayer to heaven. “Lord, help me be brave for her today.” 

 I plastered on my bright smile as we schlepped boxes up the stairs of the dorm, while young students and eager family members drifted through the halls. Excitement commingled with grief. I dreaded the thought of saying goodbye. With each load, I knew the inevitable would happen. I’d drive away from this pristine campus, nestled in the city, and leave a little bit of my heart behind. 

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How to Be a Haven for Your Adult Child

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How to Be a Haven for Your Adult Child

“Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God’s law.” - Romans 13:10

Oh how we enjoy family time together! 

Our robust family of thirteen is spread across Missouri, Illinois, Minnesota, and Iowa. We gather together two-three times each year. When they were young, I never imagined the physical distance between us. It’s hard for all of us. The kids are constantly bickering about which state is the best to live in and why don’t we all join them there. 

Our adult kids traveled hundreds of miles and descended on our home weary and stiff, but happy to be there, for the long July 4th weekend. Hugs were shared as each family trudged up the front steps with suitcases and a few pets. 

Our normal, tidy home for two, was bustling with chaos and activity. The diabetic cat and the hyper Goldendoodle weren’t too fond of each other. We were vigilant to keep them apart. The coffee pot never stopped humming, and we went through an insane amount of Coke. Each family was in charge of a meal, from grocery shopping, prep, cooking, and cleanup. The bathrooms were busy, as the washing machine spun the dirty towels.

My Family Is Just Like Yours

We’re like any normal family. We have different values and beliefs. We say or do things that are insensitive. We get miffed with each other. We have our share of struggles, including mental health, financial, job transitions, friendship despair, philosophical, and religious differences, but we have purposed in our hearts to create a home where our grown kids are loved and welcomed, just as they are. We endeavor to apologize when necessary and listen well.

In her book Love, Pray, Listen, Mary DeMuth says this: “Your job is to create a haven relationship, one where your adult kids long to be near you because of how they feel in your presence.” It’s the heartbeat of what we’ve created with our grown children. We want to be a safe space for them. We want them to enjoy being with us. We want to love them as Christ loves us. 

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