4 Spectacular Reasons Boundaries Are Valuable
/
“Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.” Matthew 5:37 NLT
Heavy Burdens
I listened to Jenny (not her real name) talk about her 30 year old daughter. Compassion oozed from her eyes but so did weariness. “My daughter’s really struggling now, and she needs me so I spend a lot of time listening to her. I spent a couple hours on the phone with her last night,” she said. “How did that make you feel?" I asked. She glanced down and with a sad sigh, said. “I’m exhausted. I can’t do it anymore. It wears me out, and I can’t sleep and I obsess about how she’s doing. I have no time for myself because I spend all my time thinking about her.”
My heart went out to her and I said, “Jenny, how would you like it to be different?” “I would love to not feel so bogged down by her troubles,” I smiled and said, “Aw, Jenny, your heart is in the right place, but let’s talk about boundaries. Are you responsible to fix everything for your daughter?”
Jenny looked down and sheepishly said, “Probably not, but I don’t know how to stop ‘momming’.” “Goodness, Jenny,” I smiled, “I want you to know that you actually have permission to stop ‘momming’ the way you always did, now that your kids are independent adults.” Relief flooded her expression and she said, “Please show me how.”
How about you? Have you ever felt emotionally overwhelmed by your adult child’s issues, stuck knowing what to do with it? What if there were a way to support your child, without losing yourself completely?
What is a Boundary?
Mental health professionals use the term boundaries. According to TherapistAid.com, “Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. A person with healthy boundaries can say “no” to others when they want to, but they are also comfortable opening themselves up to intimacy and close relationships.”
Boundaries help us understand what we’re responsible for and what others are responsible for. Imagine a boundary as a fence, with a gate that you can open and close. It’s not rigid; there’s flexibility for movement. But that fence helps us know we’re responsible for our part of the property and other people are responsible for the other side of the barrier.
Boundaries are about telling our adult children what we need. For example, in the story above, Jenny could lovingly say, “I’m here to support you, but I don’t have the capacity for two hour conversations after my work day. I’m free to listen for 30 minutes on Thursdays. What can you do to carry your own emotional load?”
We need to understand our capacity, and that as moms it’s okay to have limits. This doesn’t make us uncaring or unkind. It makes us wise. It’s okay to say “no” to our adult kids because we don’t have the capacity to carry what they are responsible to carry.
What is God’s perspective on boundaries?
“Just say a simple, ‘Yes, I will,’ or ‘No, I won’t.’ Anything beyond this is from the evil one.” Matthew 5:37 NLT
Jesus is teaching the masses and in this chapter he focuses on vows. Jesus is saying it isn’t necessary to make any oaths, instead you can simply let your “yes” and “no” stand. It’s okay to be firm and direct. This is good and healthy in relationships. Jesus gives his listeners permission to be forthright and set a limit.
Before you can set a boundary, you need to understand why they are valuable and how they will help you as a mom.
Here are 4 Spectacular Reasons Boundaries are Valuable:
1. Boundaries are the mechanism which help you “let go.”
When you understand that your adult child is responsible for themselves, you are able to surrender easily. This is the point of parenthood. Your active parenting comes to an end as you encourage them to be responsible for themselves. Your job is to launch them into independence. You have permission to lighten your load, while still remaining supportive.
2. Boundaries are to help your adult child mature and become independent.
If you allow a 30-something child to live in your basement, you haven’t practiced boundaries. It’s a glorious transformation to see an adult child responsible for his emotional, spiritual, financial, and relational well-being. When you place limits on your involvement, it forces your child to grow up. It equips your child to become mature and independent. You enable your child to succeed by implementing boundaries.
3. Employing boundaries means you understand your limits.
Every human has capacity and limits. You often ignore your limits when you don’t place boundaries with your adult children, then you wonder why you’re weary or resentful for feeling used. You’re carrying a burden that isn’t intended for you. It’s each person's responsibility to bear the burden of their own everyday life, with work, managing a home, and relationships.
4. Boundaries free you to care for yourself.
You’ve likely spent two to three decades caring for your kids. It was a holy season, but once your children are launched, it is a lighter season for you. It's time to focus on you. This doesn’t mean you're selfish. It simply means you have fresh capacity to pursue what “lights you on fire.” You have the freedom to enjoy deep relationships, walk out a dream, or linger in your favorite activity. This is the time to get curious about yourself and then see what God leads you to next.
Incorporating boundaries can feel difficult for our generation because we weren’t taught how to say no or have limits. We view it as being unkind or demanding. The good news is Jesus gives us permission to say “no” so your adult child can learn to be independent. In my next blog, we’ll talk about how to set boundaries.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, I thank you for the revelation that I don’t have to be responsible for my adult child. They need to learn to become responsible for themselves. Give me courage to lovingly set limits so I don’t become resentful. Give me wisdom and clarity about boundaries with my adult kids. Amen.
Still struggling?
Grab my free guide, Your Kids Are Grown….Now What? It’s a four page guide to help you understand the three different phases of midlife motherhood. You’ll move from the Empty-Feeling mom, to the Questioning Mom to the Celebratory mom. The guide will help you see what to expect next.
Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.
