This is the Right Way to Set Strong Boundaries

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Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. - Philippians 4:5 NLT

There is a right and a wrong way to set boundaries. The goal of boundary setting is to help everyone understand who is responsible for what. 

Never start a conversation about boundaries with this phrase,”This is my boundary…!” It is the surest way to offend your adult child because we sound demanding. Implementing boundaries is positive and helpful.

Setting Boundaries is not:

  • control

  • anger

  • rudeness

  • gas lighting

  • manipulation

  • selfish

Remember, the reason for your boundary. It’s so you won’t become burnt out or overwhelmed and so your adult child becomes responsible for themselves. Boundaries aid in understanding your capacity and limits. They’re a tool to foster healthy interdependent relationships with your adult children, but there is a right way to set them. 

First off, we have to establish what we need in the way of boundaries with our adult children. Boundaries are for you and about what you need in a relationship.

There are several types of boundaries:

  • Physical-has to do with personal space and privacy.

  • Emotional-what you will and won’t provide emotionally for your child

  • Financial-focuses on money and how you will or won’t help your adult child financially

  • Intellectual-encompass beliefs and ideas and the respect of your differences.

A boundary only becomes a limit when you have evaluated what you need, communicated with your child about it, then held said boundary. You must do all three parts otherwise it’s just wishful thinking. 

The three components you need to set a boundary:

  • You’ve decided on a boundary based on what you value.

  • You’ve communicated the boundary to your child.

  • You’ve enforced the boundary in a loving way. 

There is a graceful way to implement boundaries in our relationships. This guiding principle from God will make setting limits a positive experience. “Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do.” - Phillipians 4:5 NLT There is no need to be harsh, condemning or critical. Instead we maintain a posture of consideration and grace surrounding our boundaries. We approach our adult child with gentleness, respect, and compassion, in a humble manner.

Let’s create a scenario that we can learn from:

Jenny is exhausted and frustrated because her 30 year old daughter calls and spends two hours on the phone overwhelmed emotionally and negatively. She’s obviously upset. Jenny is forced to listen to the grumbling and it leaves her feeling exhausted and worried. She feels pressure to fix everything for her daughter. Jenny doesn’t want to do this anymore so she realizes she needs to set a boundary. 

4 Guiding Principles for the  Right Way to Set Boundaries 

1.You must possess an attitude of humility.  

The surest way to communicate effectively is to come with a humble attitude. This is difficult at times because you haven’t had boundaries, so resentment starts to build. Confess your resentment to God then approach your child with utmost humility. You need to remember Jesus' approach of humbleness in all His interactions and act like Him with your adult children. Good comes to the person bowed low.

Try this when you start the conversation: “I love you and value you, but I’ve been exhausted and I want to talk to you about it.”

2. You have reached your limit. 

Boundaries are all about understanding your capacity and limits when it comes to your adult child. You know you need a boundary when you feel overwhelmed or responsible for something that your offspring needs to be responsible for. When you’re feeling frustrated, overwhelmed and excessively worried, these are clues you’ve reached your limit. A healthy level of self-awareness will be required for you to understand your need for boundaries.

Instead of feeling resentful and exhausted, you can set a boundary. Your child will become responsible for themselves and you’ll have more peace. It’s a win/win for everyone.


3. You need to communicate your boundaries with your adult child.

A boundary only becomes real when both parties know it exists. There’s no way your adult child can read your mind. Courage is needed for you to tell your child about your new limit. You must communicate firmly and directly so everyone understands what the boundary is. 


Keep your statement short. Try this: “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed when you call me and dump all your troubles on me for two hours. I don’t have the capacity. Can we talk for 30 minutes on Thursdays, and I’m going to ask you to be responsible for some of your emotional healing. Sounds good?”

4. You are responsible to enforce the boundary. 

This might be the scariest part for you, but a boundary isn’t a limit unless you enforce it. Again you maintain an attitude of humility and lightness. When you notice your child has crossed the boundary, you need to speak up.

Let’s continue with our example from above: Your child calls on a Tuesday feeling super frustrated and starts to vent. You feel empathetic and a little anxious, but you need to remind them about the boundary. Say this: “It sounds like you had a bad day, remember we’re going to talk on Thursday. I love you and will pray for you. Talk to you Thursday. Goodbye.” 

  Your adult child does not have to like your boundaries.That’s not the point. Your job is simply to enforce them because it’s what you need. 

Setting boundaries can feel overwhelming for the mom who isn’t used to having limits. Simply start with one boundary. Just one. Practice your approach. Pray for clarity then ask God to give you the strength and resolve to enforce your boundaries. This will lead to a harmonious relationship with your adult child.

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, I know I need to set boundaries with my child, but I’m a little intimidated. Help me discern what I value, what I need, and what my capacity is with my child. I want my adult child to become mature and responsible for themselves. Help me step aside by implementing boundaries in a kind, loving, but firm manner. Fill me with courage and strength. Amen.

Still struggling?

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