Do's & Don'ts of Launching Your Child
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“May God give you more and more mercy, peace, and love.”-Jude 1:2 NLT
Move in Day
The August sun beat down as we unloaded our overpacked cars and schlepped items up to the third floor of her dorm. We passed sweaty students, as eager parents made sense of the small spaces. Our youngest daughter, Keziah was bright with excitement as we unpacked boxes and got her closet arranged just right. Her dad lugged the refrigerator up three flights and lofted the bed. We were thankful for a breeze through her window.
We gobbled some Chick Fil-A, made a Target run, then one last sweep of her room. We didn’t want to stay too long or do too much for her. She plopped down on her cute futon under the lofted bed with the matching comforter and fluffy throw pillows. She looked content in her space, with little plants speckled about the room. She seemed ready. This was our cue to head home.
Why did she seem so assured and confident? This one was fiercely independent. All I could think of was I wouldn’t see her sweet face every day. A lump formed in my throat as we said our goodbyes. Soft tears rolled down our cheeks. I think she cried for us more than herself. We knew this young woman would prosper in every way.
The three hour ride home was quiet for my hubby and I. The familiar sadness of separation logged in the pit of my stomach. All I could think about was how fast those eighteen years with her went. After 30 years of parenting our five kids, the nest was empty. Though I had made this transition five times, it never got easier for me.
Transitions
When we launch our children to college, the military, or a job in a new city, it is one of the biggest transitions we will make as moms. It’s a mixed bag of jubilation and sorrow, excitement, and dread. We know what we must face once we return home to an empty bedroom.
We will miss their adorable faces and everyday interactions. We will long for the pile of dirty dishes in their rooms, and the friends they brought home. We’ll miss their voice and plopping down on their beds to chat. They’re absence changes the family dynamic, and that’s an adjustment too.
Many questions fill our thoughts: Will they make friends? Will they be lonely or homesick? Will they be responsible? Will they continue to love God? Will they be safe?
This is the season where we let go of our kids and cling to God.
We understand the assignment.
We recognize everything has changed, but we are not left alone to figure it out.
God lavishes mercy, peace, and love on us. He’s tender with us. He understands our heartache and He equips us to do things differently. As we are infused with love and peace, we are able to relate to our emerging adults in a fresh way.
We find peace in letting go and making small changes in the way we relate to each other. We ease up on the “shoulds” and learn to be more open-handed with our grown child. Distance does not diminish our love; it makes room for a new way to express it. This is the work of Christ in us. “May God give you more and more mercy, peace, and love.”- Jude 1:2 NLT
How about you? Have you thought about how to navigate this change well? Are you ready to do things differently? Are you ready to experience a fresh way of relating? Here are a few Do’s & Don’ts that will be helpful.
Do’s and Don’ts
Do: Have the right attitude of cheerfulness and confidence, expressing your belief in your child. Your emerging adult may need reassurance from you.
Don’t: Worry and express your doubts about your child to them. Take your cares to God. He can handle them well.
Do: Let your student be responsible for class selection, navigating financial aid, managing their relationships, and their living arrangements.
Don’t: Take responsibility for the things he needs to learn to manage. He might struggle with course load, managing time and study habits, or navigating new relationships. Allow his independence to grow as he becomes responsible for his affairs.
Do: Release expectations of how his college dorm room should be.
Don’t: When you visit, stay clear of their room so it won’t be upsetting to you. He will figure it out, and you’re fussing over a mess will make them feel small.
Do: Have a conversation about how often you’ll text or talk. Be content with what he decides.
Don’t: Be offended when your child doesn’t reach out. “Out of sight, out of mind” is a real thing for college students. He is busy living his life: he’s not trying to hurt you.
Do: Listen and empathize if he struggles.
Don’t: Rush in to fix everything. Use open ended statements that get him thinking, like, “Tell me more,” or “What do you think would be the healthy thing to do?”
Do: Feel what you need to feel. This transition will feel heavy for many of you and lighter for others. There’s no right or wrong way to feel. Simply allow yourself to express your emotions. This will help you get through.
Don’t: Stuff, belittle, or be surprised by your feelings. Don’t minimize, ignore, or allow them to control you. Bring them to your gracious God. Let Him hold you while you process your loss.
Do: Find something you love to do. Try a daily walk, a new hobby, coffee with a friend, or pursue a new goal.
Don’t: Wallow. Staying stuck in negativity or self-pity will only make your grief harder.
Launching a child to college is no small feat. This is a season of adjustments and relating to our child in fresh ways. We can manage it well when we remain open to new ways of connecting and supporting our child as we cling to God.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, Thank You for your tender care as I move through the monumental transition with my adult child. Hold me, keep me, and help me make the necessary adjustments so both my child and I thrive in this season. Give me wisdom, comfort, and strength as I learn to live without my child nearby. I trust You, Lord, and I’m thankful for the ways You will help me get through this transition. Amen.
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