How to Be Humble with Your Adult Children
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Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love.- Ephesians 4:2
A Case Study of Humility
The world has been captured and alarmed with the breakdown of the Duggar family on the Amazon Prime series, Shiny, Happy People. In case you missed it, the Duggars appeared on a TLC series, 19 Kids and Counting, where they esteemed Christian values and the virtues of purity and obedience with their nineteen children. They had rigid guidelines for everything and the children were raised in a controlled environment where obedience was king.
The oldest son was accused of sexually abusing his younger sisters. They sent him away, as a teen, then later as an adult, he was charged with having violent child pornography on his work computer. As adults, the sisters were forced to make public statements defending their brother and the family's virtue. Not once did the parents go to their adult children and apologize. Instead, they justified their actions by crushing their offspring.
Recently I recorded a podcast with author, Mary DeMuth and she said this:
“I just read a statement by the Dugger matriarch and patriarch. They had all these things that they said and I thought this would've been an opportunity for them to humble themselves. And say, ‘We didn't get it all right. We were looking for a method that would solve all of our parental problems, so we wouldn't have to think. We're so sorry.’ Can you imagine the beautiful harmony that would happen in that family if the parents would be willing to say, ‘we didn't get it right? We're sorry that was really, really legalistic or whatever it is that we're apologizing for.’”
I agree with Mary. Can you imagine the domino effect of healing that might have started for the whole family if Jim Bob and Michelle had laid down their pride and humbled themselves and said they handled the crisis wrong? Instead, they made statements to defend their actions, leaving some of their children estranged from them. Surely they didn’t know how to manage the situation with the abuse. That would be overwhelming for any parents. But because of pride, they showed a lack of dignity to their adult children, while the whole world watched. My heart goes out to those grown kids.
The Grace of Humility
Humility isn’t a popular topic, nor is it easy for anyone, especially a parent. Pride rules in our culture and is often the root of many familial breakdowns. As parents, we’ve spent years being right. It was our job to teach, train, and guide in hopes our children develop into responsible adults.
How we communicate to our adult children matters and humility must be foremost in our interactions. When we are humble before our grown-up kids, with our words and deeds, it builds a bridge to healing.
Humility in the Bible
The Word is sprinkled with the virtue of humility calling us to go low for the sake of others. Jesus embodied the grace of humility.
Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love. - Ephesians 4:2
And he gives grace generously. As the Scriptures say, “God opposes the proud
but gives grace to the humble.” - James 4:6Pride leads to disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom. - Proverbs 11:2
He leads the humble in doing right, teaching them his way. - Psalm 25:9
Don’t be selfish; don’t try to impress others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourselves. - Philippians 2:3
It’s sobering to read these verses, isn’t it? There’s an elegance about humility because it goes against the grain. It’s quiet trust. It’s gentleness and wholeness. It’s surrendered and meek. It’s laying down our rights and getting out of God’s way. It fights against the "I'm always right” mentality.
When was the last time you apologized to your grown child? Have you taken inventory? Are there wrongs that need to be made right by your gracious apology? Even if the wounding happened a decade ago?
Four reasons humility is an impactful heart posture for you, as you relate to your adult children.
The humble are self-aware.
We are so accustomed to our pride, that we don’t realize how it impacts our relationship with our grown children. When we ask God to search our hearts, in His kindness, He will reveal where we fall short with pride. He won’t condemn or criticize, but He’ll help us see our true condition and that is the first step in practicing humility. We don’t have to fear God’s tender correction. When we are humble, we understand how our behavior impacts others.
The humble understand we are fellow strugglers.
Let’s not forget we are all on a journey to wholeness. We struggle, our kids struggle, everyone struggles. The humble acknowledge this commonality. Mary DeMuth, in her book, Love, Pray, Listen said this:
“When we slip into arrogance, believing that we are somehow better than our grown kids, we forget something simple but important: We are all broken people making our way in a broken world. Hierarchies flatten once our children reach adulthood.”
The humble parent realizes the playing field is level once our children reach adulthood. We don’t have to be the “know it all” we once were, when our children were young. We can have conversations and extend grace to each other as fellow travelers, learning how to be in this broken world.
The humble see God.
Pride makes us want to hide from God. It keeps us from bowing in prayer or picking up our Bible’s to be renewed by the power of the Word. The humble are ready to be examined by a gracious God and in doing so, they find deep intimacy with their Maker. They are moldable, teachable and eager for transformation. The humble are hungry to know God more and walk in His ways, as He gently redeems their hardened hearts.
The humble apologize.
Humility tenderizes a heart that’s been arrogant, and it sets us on a journey of reconciliation with our grown children. When we admit we were wrong, we take the courageous step to apologize. We go low for the sake of enriched relationships and deeper connection with our adult children. This ushers in healing. Apologies build a bridge over heartbreak, disappointment, and deep hurt.
We don’t have to be like the Duggar family. We can learn from their tragic mistakes and be parents who humble themselves willingly, knowing pride destroys. As we become self-aware, understand we’re fellow strugglers, meet with God, and apologize when we’ve harmed our adult children, we will find more harmonious relationships in our families. Humility is the way of Jesus and there are great rewards for those who walk its path.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, I bow before you with a contrite heart asking You to search my heart and point out any offense in me that reeks of pride. Give me the strength to face my shortcomings. Lead me the humble way and give me courage to apologize to my child. I long for deep connection and trust, forgive me for anyway I’ve harmed my child with my lack of humility. Amen.
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