Why It's Helpful to Respect Your Married Kids' Boundaries
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“As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’” - Ephesians 5:31 NLT
A Kindness Extended
I reached for my phone to text our youngest daughter, Keziah, who lives three hours away from us, with her hubby, Forrest. Keziah is a missionary on a college campus, so her days are full with student activities, projects, meeting with students, and leadership training. I typed, “Hey Kizzy, can you look at your schedule to see when dad and I might pop over for a quick visit? I know you’re swamped with end of the year activities, but I miss your face.”
“Aw, we miss you too. It’s crazy around here. I can’t wait for the school year to be over so we can have a little more time. Let me talk to Forrest and I’ll get back to you. Love ya mom.” she responded.
“Love you too. Can’t wait to see you.” I replied.
It’s About Respect
Some parents find it silly to ask permission to visit their grown children. They jump in the car with no consideration for their adult child’s previous plans or if their adult children have the capacity for a visit. A simple ask goes a long way in communicating kindness and compassion for our adult children’s lives. This simple gesture communicates, “We understand you’re separate from us now. We want to honor you.”
One of the most challenging concepts for a young married couple is how to have boundaries with their parents. First, the couple needs to have brave conversations with each other, then they need to talk to their parents about their established boundaries.
We can help them take this courageous step when we willingly respect their limits.
“As the Scriptures say, ‘A man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’” - Ephesians 5:31 NLT This is a mandate from God and a clear explanation of what boundaries are for our married children. Our children are to leave their parents and create a family of their own, without our input or influence over their decisions.
Mom’s Role
What are you doing to encourage your child to leave and cleave to their spouse?
Moms play a significant role in the success of our child’s marriage when we allow them to leave us and cling to their mate. There will be no more “momma’s boy.” His wife is his new girl. That doesn’t mean you’re not important. It just means you’ll play a secondary role, the way God intended.
Will you be a help or a hindrance in the growth of your child’s marriage?
One of the hardest things for a young married couple to do is manage their familial differences. It’s like learning a foreign language. We can help our children by allowing them to decide how they want to do life with their mate. We don’t need to make those decisions for them, that’s not our responsibility. We don’t need to judge them for what they’ve decided. We choose to honor them instead.
Respect Looks Like This:
1. Support your child in loving their spouse well.
Communicate to your child that their allegiance is now to their spouse. Don’t come in between your child and their spouse by being critical or condemning. Encourage your child to love their spouse well and learn how to have a strong marriage. Don’t ever criticize or undermine your child’s mate. That’s a recipe for disaster.
2. Encourage your kids to have boundaries:
You want to call the shots for your grown kids, but those days are over. You are no longer number one in their life. Their spouse is. What are you doing to encourage your children to have boundaries with you? Are you taking a hands off approach and giving them space to decide what works best for them without your influence?
For example, how do you handle visits and holidays? Do you just pop over when it’s convenient for you, or do you take your child’s schedule and capacity into consideration? Do you expect them to be home every Christmas morning?
3. Be respectful when they bring their boundaries to you:
There’s nothing more frightening for a young couple than to have boundaries with their parents. It feels scary and unsettling because they don’t want to disappoint. If and when your grown child asks something of you, be respectful. Honor their wishes. Be grace-filled and commend them for their courage instead of being offended by their boundary.
4. Lay down your expectations of how your children run their family.
Conflict abounds when you have expectations on how her child runs her/his own family. Everything from holidays, parenting, and finances can cause conflict. Your job is to let it all go and allow this young family to forge their own path. Yes, they’ll make mistakes, but they need to learn these lessons on their own, without your interference.
One of the greatest ways we can honor our adult children is to respect the boundaries they’ve built in their family. We play a major role in the success of their marriage by allowing them to leave us and cling to their mate. Honor them through open communication about their boundaries.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, Help me honor the truth of this scripture and truly release my adult child to be bond forever to their spouse. I relinquish control of any kind and endeavor to honor their bond over my opinion, needs or wishes. Help me to be the kind of mother-in-law my child’s spouse needs. Give me courage to respect the boundaries this couple has set. Amen.
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