How to Be a Haven for Your Adult Child
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“Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God’s law.” - Romans 13:10
Oh how we enjoy family time together!
Our robust family of thirteen is spread across Missouri, Illinois, Minnesota, and Iowa. We gather together two-three times each year. When they were young, I never imagined the physical distance between us. It’s hard for all of us. The kids are constantly bickering about which state is the best to live in and why don’t we all join them there.
Our adult kids traveled hundreds of miles and descended on our home weary and stiff, but happy to be there, for the long July 4th weekend. Hugs were shared as each family trudged up the front steps with suitcases and a few pets.
Our normal, tidy home for two, was bustling with chaos and activity. The diabetic cat and the hyper Goldendoodle weren’t too fond of each other. We were vigilant to keep them apart. The coffee pot never stopped humming, and we went through an insane amount of Coke. Each family was in charge of a meal, from grocery shopping, prep, cooking, and cleanup. The bathrooms were busy, as the washing machine spun the dirty towels.
My Family Is Just Like Yours
We’re like any normal family. We have different values and beliefs. We say or do things that are insensitive. We get miffed with each other. We have our share of struggles, including mental health, financial, job transitions, friendship despair, philosophical, and religious differences, but we have purposed in our hearts to create a home where our grown kids are loved and welcomed, just as they are. We endeavor to apologize when necessary and listen well.
In her book Love, Pray, Listen, Mary DeMuth says this: “Your job is to create a haven relationship, one where your adult kids long to be near you because of how they feel in your presence.” It’s the heartbeat of what we’ve created with our grown children. We want to be a safe space for them. We want them to enjoy being with us. We want to love them as Christ loves us.
How to be a haven for your adult children
Have you ever thought about what you value in your relationship with your adult kids? What’s most important to you when it comes to your grown kids? When we articulate what we value, then we know what behavior needs to follow.
I ask my coaching clients this question often: How do you want to show up with your adult kids?
I’ve been thinking about this question too.
Here’s how I want to show up with my adult kids.
Honest dialogue
An open heart
Holding loosely to outcomes and expectations
Willing to apologize
An active listener
Articulate my Christian beliefs in a tender way
Not take on their emotional overwhelm
Believe the best about them
Support them in a meaningful way
What is God’s perspective on how we show up with our grown kids?
“Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God’s law.” - Romans 13:10 Early on, with my young adult children, the Lord required me to love. When I felt the sting of a grown child rejecting God, the Holy Spirit whispered so sweetly, “You will need to love them through this,” and devotion has been the foundation of our relationship. God calls us to do no wrong to our kids.That’s a heavy assignment and one that makes me pay attention to my attitude and actions.
When I wanted to shake my fist at heaven and cried, “This isn’t how it’s supposed to be,” God reduced me to love. He dealt with my pride, expectations, and shame. Do I always get it right? Heavens no, but I’m quick to apologize, when I mess up, because humility builds a bridge.
Here’s what you can do to be a haven for your adult child:
1. Apologize for insensitivity or unnecessary expectations
I cannot say this enough. You need to apologize when you hurt your adult child. It may not have been your intentions and misunderstandings happen easily, but stay and make it right. Listen for understanding. Read between the lines and make adjustments. Hopefully your adult child will follow your example and be gracious with you too. Let go of expectations because they are a breeding ground for contempt.
2. Accept your differences.
You experience much pain as you weep over the changes in your adult child. Often their choices cause you to reject them. Instead, peace comes when you realize you cannot change a heart; that’s God’s job. The Holy Spirit is the one who convicts and convinces. Instead of suffering, you embrace surrender and acceptance. This frees you to love your child just as they are and still maintain your beliefs. One does not have to be sacrificed for the other.
3. Believe the best
It’s easy to be hyper-focused on what you don’t like about your grown child, but it will impact your relationship negatively every time. Contempt in any relationship is difficult to overcome. Instead you get to choose what to focus on. Choose the good you see in them. Compliment them on what they do well. Pay attention and bring encouragement at the right moment.
4. Cultivate prayer
The surest way to find peace in your relationship with your grown child is to talk to God about what weighs heavy on your soul. Instead of criticizing or judging your child, take it to God. Guard and protect your adult child by not gossiping about them. Pour your pain all out, then ask God to infuse you with a supernatural ability to love unconditionally. This is what God does for us. This is the work of Christ in us.
What do you want your relationship to look like with your adult kids? What do you value and what are you willing to do differently to show up in a loving way with your adult children? You are the leader in creating a haven for your grown kids.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, I understand I’m responsible for creating a safe haven for my adult children. Help me to put on love and create an environment where my grown kids feel safe, valued, and cared for. Help me deal with my pride, expectations, and attitude, so that I can build a bridge to my child. I’ll talk to You when it feels hard and rely on You to help me show up best for my grown kids. Amen.
Do you wonder what’s next?
Grab my free guide, Your Kids Are Grown….Now What? It’s a four page guide to help you understand the three different phases of midlife motherhood. You’ll move from the Empty-Feeling Mom, to the Questioning Mom, to the Celebratory Mom. The guide will help you see what to expect next.
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