4 Things To Do If You're Serious About Respect
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“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”-Matthew 7:12
As Children Change
As my grown children left home and ventured into the big world, some of them came back with new ideas or fresh insights that were contrary to how they were raised. Initially I viewed these differences as a reflection of me, and I felt like a failure as their mother.
I thought, “This isn’t how I raised you. How can you possibly think that way about these issues?” I wanted to fight back with all the reasons they were wrong, but I knew that wouldn’t get us anywhere. I needed to shift and think less about myself and realize they were autonomous humans who were free to think whatever they wanted about society.
This is a season of great change for both mom and her adult child. Our children will test theories and wrestle with what they believe about themselves, society, and God. Growth is required for both of us and respect is the channel which fuels positive change.
The Need To Respect
I needed to extend respect through the way we communicated. But not the insincere “grin and bear it” sort. I desired to truly honor them as humans. As a follower of Christ, honor is due even when we disagree.
I concentrated on my connection with God. He became my source of comfort as I poured out my woes. My calmness, genuine respect, and gentle words ruled our interactions. I wasn’t required to agree with my grown child; I was simply asked to respect them each time we talked.
This was not easy at first! Where there was once frustration and a simmering inside, I’ve learned to talk peacefully. I practice patience and surrender all the emotions to God instead of flinging piercing words at my children. This took years of practice.
We don’t want to behave in a negative way, but sometimes it is painful for us to respect a child who sees the world differently from how we raised them because we think respect means acceptance. I don’t believe these words are synonymous.
Hurtful words flung in an emotional moment cause a rift in our relationships. We realize respect is the better way. When we give respect we usher in grace, peace and God’s presence.
What is God's heart on this matter? As we think about the character of God, we recognize He leads with gentleness, compassion, and kindness. Even in His rebuke He is kind. We can conclude He appreciates when we exhibit His character qualities too.
Matthew, the disciple summed it up beautifully when he said, “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” - Matthew 7:12 If we want to receive respect then we also need to give it.
This is a season where we step aside and let God deal with our grown child, while we maintain kindness, gentleness and love. As we allow the Holy Spirit to work within us, He enables us to respond with kindness.
Four Things To Do If You’re Serious About Respect:
Establish trust through listening. Gone are the days when we bark orders and cajole our kids to do what we want. In this phase of our motherhood, we don’t bargain or convince. Instead we establish trust in our relationship when we listen well. Listening is humble, quiet, and lacks an agenda. Let’s be moms who are trustworthy because we want to listen for understanding. My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” James 1:19
Maintain boundaries. In this season of motherhood, you and your grown child will have fresh boundaries. When we understand what we’re responsible for and what our child is responsible for, there can be peace. We are no longer accountable for what they believe. They stand before God on their own, as adults.This frees us to release them to His care. Our children will have boundaries with us as well. We need to respect their boundaries too. “The lines have fallen to me in pleasant places; indeed, my heritage is beautiful to me.” - Psalm 16:6
Walk in grace: We will flounder in our communication. We will say hurtful things and sometimes cause pain, and our children will do the same to us. When we walk in grace, we are covered by God’s divine influence. As we allow the Holy Spirit to influence our interactions and conversations, we maintain our bond with our children. Showing respect takes practice. Apologize quickly and seek to understand each other. “But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:“God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.” - James 4:6
Lead with love. Respect in relationships is rooted in love. This explanation of respect from loveisrespect.org sums it up well:
Respect in a relationship is reflected in how you treat each other on a daily basis. Even if you disagree or have an argument, you are able to respect and value each other’s opinions and feelings. Respect isn’t about controlling or making them do what you want them to do. Respect is actually about the freedom to be yourself and to be loved for who you are.
In a healthy relationship, respect looks like:
Talking openly and honestly with each other
Listening to each other
Valuing each other’s feelings and needs
Compromising
Speaking kindly to and about each other
Giving each other space
Building each other up
Above all, we maintain our bond of love with our grown child because respect is the overflow of love. “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” - 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
You may struggle with respect because of the hurt you feel for how your child has changed. This is a time to lean in and listen for understanding as you rely on God to unravel your emotional overwhelm.
God is faithful and we can trust Him with our grown children, as He helps us walk in humility and honor. After all, He is our greatest example of how to show respect. He is most tender towards us.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, help me give the gift of respect to my changing adult child. As we grow and move through this unfamiliar phase, help me maintain our bonds of love. When I’m frustrated, help me run to you instead of saying hurtful things to my grown child. I trust you and I ask you to assist me as I grow in wisdom and strength. Amen.
Still struggling? Need some help with your communication with your adult child?
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