Mastering Grace: Nurturing Relationships with Adult Children

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Mastering Grace: Nurturing Relationships with Adult Children

 “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness” - 2 Corinthians 12:8

Mastering Grace

What mother doesn’t want a healthy thriving relationship with her grown children? It’s what we dream of, right? We want connection, to be noticed, valued, and loved. Our adult children want that, too. 

Mastering grace takes practice, prayer, self-awareness, and reliance on God. It means we approach our adult children differently than when they were young and under our roof. We will falter and fail. We’ll say too much, or ask too many questions. We’ll want to rush in and fix or rescue instead of allowing our children to problem solve for themselves. We’ll forget they are separate from us and stand before God on their own now. They are free to make their own choices and that might scare us the most. 

Grace is what we need.

Grace Through Weakness

One of the most popular verses about grace is found in 2 Corinthians 12:8 “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” The context of the passage is how Paul had a thorn in his flesh that he asked God to remove. Scholars differ on what the thorn was, either sickness or a group of people trying to stop him from spreading the gospel. 

Paul prayed for God to remove this thorn and God did not. It’s then we see God answers that His grace is all you need. His power works best in weakness. God is saying Paul’s human weakness was an opportunity for the power of Christ to work through him by God’s grace. 

How does this impact a mom with adult children?

It means that when we feel ill prepared, or struggle on how to adapt in our role as a mother with adult kids, Christ empowers us do it well. If and when we feel frustrated or overwhelmed, we realize in our weakness, God’s grace comes through to help us nurture a healthy relationship with our children. Instead of berating ourselves for our weakness, we praise God for His help.

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Why Moms Must Thrive Through God's Grace Now

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Why Moms Must Thrive Through God's Grace Now

What is Grace?

As moms, we are in desperate need of God’s grace.

We are called to receive God’s grace, but what does that mean?

Grace is a term we throw around a lot in church culture, and it’s a consistent theme through the old and new testament. Most define grace as an “undeserved favor,” but my hubby, the pastor, often teaches how grace is the empowerment to make good choices. It’s God’s influence over our lives. When we partner this beautiful idea of undeserved favor with empowerment, we see the fullness of God's grace.

Grace flows from His character, then spills over into us as our Maker enables us to love our adult children well. 

Favor + Empowerment

Let’s look at some verses to explain:

“[We] are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus.” - Romans 3:24 Paul is writing to the church in Rome to explain that our salvation in Christ is a free gift. God is that good! We cannot do anything to earn it; we receive it with thanksgiving. Paul is saying God’s undeserved favor and love come to us because of the redemptive work of the cross.

What does this mean for a mom of adult kids? It means that we have God’s favor and generosity at our disposal. We don’t have to be so hard on ourselves as we adjust to parenting adult children. We accept the benevolence of God as we learn how to relate to our children in a new way.

Let’s look at this verse:

“God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” - 2 Corinthians 9:8 Again, Paul is writing to another church, this time, in Corinth. Here Paul is saying grace is an empowerment to live the right way. This is God's power working through us to live the way Christ has called us to. 

For the mom with grownup kids, it means we have access to the power of God to do the hard things in our relationship with our kids. This includes letting go, listening well, and not rushing in to fix or rescue. This means when our kids want to move states away, we don’t view it as rejection. Instead, we accept their choice and bless them. Perhaps our child rejects God. Instead of losing faith, we learn to trust God as He works on our child’s heart. Instead of judging our child, we trust God to perfect our child’s faith in Him.

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Tips for a Stress-Free Holiday with Adult Children

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Tips for a Stress-Free Holiday with Adult Children

Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! - Romans 12:16 NLT

Kids Return to the Nest

”They’re here!” hubby said, as we ran out on the porch, undeterred by the blustery December winds. Bekah and Ryan jumped out of the car and grabbed their frisky puppy, Bea. Bob helped them haul in their luggage while we exchanged hugs on the porch. “Hey Beautiful Girl," I whispered, “It’s so good to have you home.”  Exhausted after their seven hour drive from Missouri, we plopped down on the living room couch to relax. 

Grandsons, Teddy and Gus arrived bright eyed and ready to go with mom and dad in tow. Had they grown another inch? I wondered. Moriah swept in with her cat, Desmond, and the mischief level in the house rose exponentially.  Caleb and Ashia were the last to arrive from Minnesota. We wrapped them in warm hugs.  Forrest and Keziah had a short three hour drive. They schlepped baskets of laundry and bright smiles.

I soaked in the goodness as I surveyed the room. Our kids were all home together, and it was the sweetest feeling: a mixture of nostalgia and pride. They’re all grown. Our work is done and now we connect as friends and peers. Sometimes I’m shocked we’re at this stage already. Wild, busy children gave way to real adults. The transformation is stunning.

“When are you going to buy a sectional mom?” Moriah quips! Every single time the kids come home that’s what they ask.  Sheesh! Yes, our living room is a little cozy for 13 people, but I don’t even care. “Get over it,” I winked, secretly hoping we can get a sectional one day. 

A Stress Free Holiday

How do we manage a household of adult kids who have differing views and perspectives? How do we handle difficult conversations with grace and truly enjoy our time together? How do we make room for apologies and tenderness when tensions rise? How do we handle schedules and meal prep so mom isn’t exhausted?

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Why It's Important to Pray for Your Adult Child

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Why It's Important to Pray for Your Adult Child

The Invitation to Pray

Have you ever had a directive straight from heaven? I heard the Spirit whisper clearly one day, “If you don’t pray for your adult children, who will?”

The impact of that question rattled around in my heart and head. Aside from their grandma, who was praying for our adult children? Besides their dad and I, who was interceding on their behalf? Maybe someone from church? Maybe their pastor? Maybe a few friends or their in-laws? The list seemed quite short in my estimation.

The significance of my “yes” to pray seemed magnified. “Challenge accepted, Holy Spirit!” I whispered.

We often feel unsettled when kids grow up and leave. We see them less often, and we have diminished impact over their choices. They have free will. They get to make their own path. This is God’s will for humanity. God wants our kids to choose Him but He will not force His hand. Instead He lovingly calls them to His heart.

We need to remember we still have influence through our prayers.

It’s a privilege to pray for our adult kids as they navigate relationships, health trials, young marriage, career choices, parenting “littles”, cultural wars, and what they believe about God.

Prayer is one thing we can do for our adult children. It’s an honor and privilege to intercede on their behalf. Prayer is the tool we use to surrender our wishes, and hold fast to the promises of God. Momma, you know how we are as moms. We think we know best and when life with our child doesn’t go how we think it should, we get a little upset. We question God’s goodness, we doubt His presence, and we feel abandoned. 

Prayer is the tool we use to reorient our hearts to God.

Stormie Omartian said it best in her book, The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children, “Prayer is not telling God what to do. Prayer is partnering with God to see that His will is done.”

More than anything I want God’s will done in my children’s lives. Even the ones who doubt He is real or feel hurt by the church. My continual prayer is they would have a fresh revelation of His great love for them.

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Four Great Reasons Moms Can Connect with God

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Four Great Reasons Moms Can Connect with God

“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” - John 15:5 NL

Connecting with God


The sun bursts forth as my hubby and I head out for our early morning prayer walk. There’s something powerful about talking to God about our adult kids. Our five offspring are all out of college, four are married, and they are all pursuing careers they enjoy, and yet they all have struggles. Just like any family, ours deals with financial stressors, physical pain, sickness, mental health, relational strife, cultural wars, parenting issues, and managing adulthood well. This is all part of being human. Our kids will always have stressors, but we must respond with faith.

Moms have two options: worry relentlessly about our kids, or pray for them, releasing it all to God, allowing Him to have His way in their lives. As we stroll each morning, we lift our kids to God. He certainly knows what they need more than we. Each prayer is an act of surrender and a way to restore peace to us. Most of the stressors belong to our adult kids. They need to figure them out. We are here to love and support as they navigate adulthood with their own resources. 

My husband and I know that apart from God we are nothing. With God all things are possible. What a privilege to rely on Him as we release our adult kids to His capable hands. Blessed assurance rises in our souls as we pray.

How about you? 

Have you leaned into your relationship with God even more now that you’ve gently released your child into adulthood?  I often hear moms say, “I need God now more than ever before. It was so much easier when my kids were young.”

We want to cling, hold fast to old routines and familiar patterns and all the while God says, “Let them go and cling to Me. Everything you need, I have provided. I’m here. I’m for you. Move a little closer and let me show you I’m trustworthy.”

God waits for the weary, worried mom’s arrival. He’s ready to assist her as she pours out her anguish and fears and then remembers who He is to her.

Jesus uses the teaching from the vineyard to show us what it means to have a living breathing relationship with God, where we cultivate our union and bear fruit because of our connection with God.  “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” - John 15:5 NLT

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How to Be a Haven for Your Adult Child

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How to Be a Haven for Your Adult Child

“Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God’s law.” - Romans 13:10

Oh how we enjoy family time together! 

Our robust family of thirteen is spread across Missouri, Illinois, Minnesota, and Iowa. We gather together two-three times each year. When they were young, I never imagined the physical distance between us. It’s hard for all of us. The kids are constantly bickering about which state is the best to live in and why don’t we all join them there. 

Our adult kids traveled hundreds of miles and descended on our home weary and stiff, but happy to be there, for the long July 4th weekend. Hugs were shared as each family trudged up the front steps with suitcases and a few pets. 

Our normal, tidy home for two, was bustling with chaos and activity. The diabetic cat and the hyper Goldendoodle weren’t too fond of each other. We were vigilant to keep them apart. The coffee pot never stopped humming, and we went through an insane amount of Coke. Each family was in charge of a meal, from grocery shopping, prep, cooking, and cleanup. The bathrooms were busy, as the washing machine spun the dirty towels.

My Family Is Just Like Yours

We’re like any normal family. We have different values and beliefs. We say or do things that are insensitive. We get miffed with each other. We have our share of struggles, including mental health, financial, job transitions, friendship despair, philosophical, and religious differences, but we have purposed in our hearts to create a home where our grown kids are loved and welcomed, just as they are. We endeavor to apologize when necessary and listen well.

In her book Love, Pray, Listen, Mary DeMuth says this: “Your job is to create a haven relationship, one where your adult kids long to be near you because of how they feel in your presence.” It’s the heartbeat of what we’ve created with our grown children. We want to be a safe space for them. We want them to enjoy being with us. We want to love them as Christ loves us. 

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The Best Ways to Easily Stay Present with Your Senior

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The Best Ways to Easily Stay Present with Your Senior

“There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: A right time to hold on and another to let go.” Ecclesiastes 3:6

I watched Rebekah gracefully cross the stage to accept her certificate, confident and composed, as my mind flashed to her four-year-old-self. I saw her in her purple sequined tutu and her first pair of tap shoes, blissfully on stage at her first dance recital. Her wavy hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun, with a purple feather hat tipped to the side. She grinned from ear to ear as the music faded up. Her brown eyes sparkled as she danced.

I remembered the challenging middle school years where girls hurled insults and hurt her tender heart. “Mean Girls” wasn’t just a movie, it was a shocking reality for my young teen. She navigated rejection and learned important lessons about friendship.

High school brought endless leadership opportunities and growth. And here we were at the end, as our calendar was filled with events.The final Choir Concert, Spring Musical, National Honor Society Banquet, Prom, Student Council Banquet, Speech Banquet. She blissfully walked through each event while I thought my heart would break in two. How can a mom experience such joy and sadness in the same moments?

My thoughts raced ahead. In three short months, we’d be dropping her off at a college 431 miles away from us. What were we thinking? Will she find good friends? Will she feel homesick and want to come home? What am I going to do without my daughter? No more coffee dates, Target runs, or show tunes blaring from the bathroom. Anxiety and fear welled up inside of me. I dreaded thinking about the fall, and the deep loss I would experience. 

It was time to give myself a little pep talk. “Focus on today,” I told myself. “She hasn’t left yet. Enjoy your summer together.”

Momma, how about you? Are you moving too fast and already grieving when your child leaves in the fall? What if there is a way to stay present with our children and soak up all the goodness, today? Right here. Right now.

It’s a normal response to feel sad, when we think about the future apart from our grownup child. What if instead of projecting into the unknown future, we stayed active and present with our seniors while they were still home?  

Imagine my shock, as a friend was telling me about this passage in the Message version. A certain phrase stood out and I know it will mean a lot to you too. “There’s an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth: A right time to hold on and another to let go.” Ecclesiastes 3:6.  Momma, God is saying there’s a right time to hold and another to let go. Isn’t that the best news? It’s not time to let go, YET! God invites you to hold on for a little while longer and savor the moments with your emerging adult. Isn’t that the sweetest permission?

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The Heart of Faithfully Trusting Your Powerful God

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The Heart of Faithfully Trusting Your Powerful God

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord." Jeremiah 17:7

I’m on the highway again, heading the hour drive to the Twin Cities so I can be with my young husband for another week's stay at the Multiple Sclerosis Center at Fairview Riverside Hospital. There he’ll be pumped full of steroids to tame the inflammation that attacks his nerves, leaving him with a new tremor, spasm, or disability. MS is a beast that will not be tamed.The disease has upended our family in profound ways.

A 90’s song plays on Christian radio. The lyrics go like this: “Life is hard, but God is good.” Tears stream down my cheeks for an hour. I’m by myself, as the three little kids are cared for, so I’m free to let the tears flow. I need to be near my husband. Holy Spirit whispers so gently, as He has everyday since this disease invaded our home, “Do you trust Me?” Through stifled sobs and bitter weeping, I whisper, “Yes, Papa, I do.” 

Those years of struggle were fertile ground where God planted my roots deep in Him. He taught me to trust when my world was completely falling apart. When things only got worse and the doctor recommended my husband be placed in a nursing home, it was preparation for every trial I would face in the future. 

It prepared me for when some of my children rejected God. It enabled me to trust Him no matter what I experienced. It helped me let go of outcomes and trust Papa’s good work on hearts.

I was rewarded for trusting God. He gave me peace, identity, and set me free from fear because I was already living my greatest fear. 

We bristle sometimes when we’re asked to trust God. 

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4 Reasons God is Remarkably Faithful to You

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4 Reasons God is Remarkably Faithful to You

 “Yahweh! The Lord! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations. I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin.” - Exodus 34:6-7a NLT

Tossing and Turning

Julia kicked the covers off, rolled over, and stared at the clock again as frustration grew in her heart. Angrily she thought “Why can’t I sleep???” The orange glow of the digital clock blared 2:30 am back at her as she scuffed because she had tossed and turned for an hour. She knew exactly why she couldn’t sleep. 

She spent an hour thinking about her youngest daughter at college. Fear and worry tumbled through her mind. “What if she gets with the wrong kind of friends? She seems so lonely. What if she dates the wrong guy? What if she makes the wrong choice? Why doesn’t she love God anymore? Where did I go wrong? What if she’s attacked at a party? What if she’s drugged and raped? Goodness that escalated quickly!” she thought. 

Spiraling, she knew she needed to stop. Breathing deep, she whispered, “God, please help me. Give me faith to trust You. Give the ability to understand You are with me and You are my help. Remind me of Your faithfulness. How easily I forget.”

Have you struggled to lean into God’s faithfulness when it comes to your adult child? 

This is often difficult for moms because we’ve always managed their problems. We were the fixers, problem solvers, and rescuers. How do we let go and entrust our children and their problems to our faithful God?

What does it mean when we describe God as faithful?

What do we need to know about the faithfulness of God? 

According to the International Standard Bible Encyclopedia, “Faithfulness is one of the characteristics of God's ethical nature. It denotes the firmness or constancy of God in His relations with men, especially with His people. It is, accordingly, one aspect of God's truth and of His unchangeableness. God is true not only because He is really God in contrast to all that is not God, and because He realizes the idea of Godhead, but also because He is constant or faithful in keeping His promises, and therefore is worthy of trust” 

The Bible reverberates with the faithfulness of God. Each story and chapter is laced with examples of His dependability to His children. Even when God’s family disobeyed and rebelled, He was consistently trustworthy. 

Here is a moment where Moses met with God on the mountain. God spoke through a cloud.  The Lord passed in front of Moses, calling out, “Yahweh! The Lord! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations. I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin.” - Exodus 34:6-7a

God spoke directly to Moses and what a message it was. He said he was slow to anger, filled with unfailing love, and faithfulness. If God is telling us this Himself, can we not trust Him when He speaks? How can we doubt what He says about Himself? This is proof of His faithfulness, We can settle our hearts on this revelation and rest in peace. 

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Prodigals Need to Be Loved

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Prodigals Need to Be Loved


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“Long ago the Lord said to Israel: “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.” - Jeremiah 31:3

Tears in the Hallway

Flustered Erica dabbed the tears from her eyes and begged God for the courage to hold it together today. She bumped into her friend Julie and her mom, Nancy on the way into Bible Study. She tried to hide her tears, but they spilled out in the safety of friends. Julie reached out to Erica and pulled her into a warm hug. “Erica, what’s wrong?”

Choking back the tears, “I’m so upset! I don’t know what to do. My daughter was arrested last night. There was a huge party, and it was busted, and they were taken in. She’s so far from God, and I feel like a failure. Can you pray with me?” Erica sobbed. “Of course, sweet friend,” said Julie. Wise Nancy, with the warm brown eyes and kind grin, didn’t seem concerned at all. She placed her hand on Erica’s shoulder and said with a sly grin, “Oh sweetheart, she’s just working on her testimony.” 

Erica laughed and felt the tension ease from her body. Julie handed her a Kleenex, and they took in the truth of the poignant statement. Elizabeth was right. Calm settled over Erica as she realized God was still with her daughter. This wasn’t the way she wanted her daughter's story to go, but she couldn’t deny God's presence. 

They bowed their heads in the church hallway to pray. Erica’s breathing slowed, as the tears the tears stopped. She heard the still small voice whisper to her soul. “She needs your love more than anything.” Stunned by the revelation, Erica headed the voice of God and knew the best thing she could do was love her prodigal. 

Have you felt the sting of your child making poor choices?  Are they far from God, and you don’t know what to do?

It’s stunning what the Lord revealed to Erica in the midst of silence. When we pause and bow before Him, He speaks. We want to fuss and carry on when our children stray, but God invites us to love our prodigals well.

 We often focus on how we lack and our feelings of inadequacy. We shake our fists to heaven and say, “God it’s not supposed to be this way!” We’re distraught, confused, and disappointed. Yet amidst all that turmoil, God calls us to a higher assignment, love. It’s the upside down ways of the kingdom as we are invited to participate with God in His good work. 

What can we learn about God’s love?

When the Israelites roamed the desert for forty years, hell-bent on doing things their own way, God was incredibly patient. They constantly disobeyed God. The children of God bowed down to idols, complained relentlessly, and married the wrong people. They were stubborn and rebellious, yet God never gave up on them. 

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How to Hold onto Hope When Your Child Rejects God

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How to Hold onto Hope When Your Child Rejects God

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” - Romans 15:13 NLT

Lost Hope

As Julie sat in her comfy chair, tears streaming down her face, she felt the weight of her daughter's words crushing her heart. She could feel the pain of her daughter's rejection of God, like a sharp knife slicing through her very being. She could hear the echo of her daughter's whisper, "Mom, I don't believe in God anymore," replaying in her mind, over and over again, taunting her with the fear that her daughter was lost forever.

She knew her daughter's struggle with faith was not uncommon, but it felt like a personal defeat, a failure as a mother. She tried to hold back the sobs that threatened to escape her chest, but they escaped anyway, wracking her body with every gasping breath.

Julie's heart was heavy with the weight of her daughter's rejection, but she knew that she had to keep fighting for her. She had to keep praying, keep loving, and keep hoping that her daughter would one day come back to the faith that she had known and loved. With each tear that fell, Julie whispered a prayer, pleading for God's help and guidance in this time of darkness.

What do we do when our child rejects God? 

We feel ashamed, betrayed, and hopeless. Our hearts are ripped in pieces.

Yet, surely God knows.

He understands.

He sees us.

He’s moved with compassion when we are distressed.

How can we hold on to hope when our child rejects God?

Fortunately, God is an expert hope infuser. Hope is His specialty. He ladles it out in abundance to hungry hearts who are willing to trust Him. He lavishes it upon His children. Instead of wallowing in doubt, we are invited to connect with the God of hope as He infuses us with His strength.

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Do You Dream Big?

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Do You Dream Big?

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. - Ephesians 3:20

Let’s Dream Together

The sun shone brightly through the canopy of green as hubby and I gathered on the porch. Birds chirped happily as I whispered a silent “thank you God for this beautiful day and my life with my husband.” With a steaming cup of coffee in hand, he reached for a book, The Story of Marriage, by John and Lisa Bevere. 

Listening, I leaned in for our weekly rhythm of reading so we can strengthen our marriage. In order to learn and grow in our marriage, we are intentional students. Surely, growth is required as our children leave home, and we focus on each other. 

He opened the book to a worksheet, How to Dream Big and began to read. Listening, my mind drifted to what we had built thus far. 

We wanted a marriage focused on God, a houseful of children, and a home where everyone felt safe. Both of us came from disordered homes. We experienced divorce, abuse, dysfunction, and rare mention of God. We wanted something better for our marriage. We had big dreams. 

But what about now? I thought. How can we dream for this empty nest season? 

I gathered two pieces of paper and pens as we sat in the quiet summer morning and asked God to help us dream. Thoughts came quickly as we each jotted down ideas, then we looked towards each other and shared our lists. 

I was encouraged by how many of our dreams overlapped. Out poured visions of travel, retirement income, Cousin Camp, less work and more play, and pursuing meaningful friendships, which is no small feat for a ministry couple.

Have you ever written your dreams down with your husband?

We will all come to the day when the kids are grown and gone. It can feel unsettling. We have so many questions when we are first learning to be together without our kids.

  • How do I connect with my mate?

  • How do we become a strong team?

  • What does God want for us in this season of our marriage?

  • How do we find a new rhythm in our marriage when we aren’t focused on parenting?

Dreaming together is a way to find direction and vision for our future. As we partner with God, He’ll reveal the direction He wants us to head. “Dreaming together allows you and your mate to honestly share from your hearts and envision the amazing things you can do together by the strength, wisdom, favor and provision of God,” says John Bevere.

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Bravely Tell Your Story, Momma!

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Bravely Tell Your Story, Momma!

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. -2 Corinthian 1:4

Can We Talk?

I recognized the name in my direct messages from decades ago. We met through mutual friends and had kids of similar ages. Anna reached out wanting to know if we could talk. I sent her a message welcoming a conversation.

I heard the heaviness in her voice as she held back tears. “I love my adult kids so much, and we have a great relationship, but I see changes in my son and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to mess this up,” she says. Her adult son was raised in the church and went to a Christian college, and now his lifestyle is completely anti-God, and he told her he no longer believes in God.

“I feel like such a failure,” she cried. “I remember feeling like that, too,” I sighed. “I didn’t know who to talk to about it. I can’t talk to people at church because they’ll judge me. I’m so worried I’m going to do something wrong to damage our relationship, and I don't want to do that,” she said. “I didn’t know where to turn, and I thought of you,” she said. We chatted for thirty minutes as she poured out her heartache. I silently whispered a prayer of thanks for God sent her my way. We need each other. I listened and encouraged as she felt relieved to talk about it.

Unsupported Moms

We have an army of forgotten moms trying to navigate their changing roles with their adult children. They wonder where all the experts went. Where is the book “What to Expect When Your Child Reaches Adulthood?”

Moms suffer in silence assuming they’ve completely ruined their kids. They carry grief and shame like boulders in backpacks, weighed down wherever they go.

They tried their best and didn’t receive the outcome they’d hoped for, and now they feel lost.

Moms like this are the reason I write, coach, and produce a weekly podcast, The Midlife Momma Podcast (click on it and you can listen in).

I don’t want them to feel alone anymore. I’ve been parenting my five adult kids for fourteen years and everything about how I parent them has changed. Love is still the cornerstone of our connection, but I’ve had to move to a more supportive role rather than a directive stance.

I’ve failed, fallen, grown, and rallied. I’ll share what works and what does not.

I want to encourage these seasoned moms and support them as they navigate the emotional rollercoaster of parenting their adult children.

Share Your Story

My hope is moms like this will come out stronger as they begin to share their stories. Honestly, we’re so much more alike than different. When one mom takes a defiant step of courage and shares her struggles, she creates an avalanche where other moms can be swept up in the freedom. Freedom comes as we bring our heartache into the light of Christ.

I hope to create a safe space where you can bravely share your disappointments and triumphs, knowing there is an army of women who understand and will offer you support and compassion.

What if moms didn’t cower in shame anymore, but talked about the challenges of parenting adult kids? Instead of staying silent in our churches or bible studies, could we talk openly about our struggles? Could we see the power of bringing our stories into the light?

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How Gratitude Helps You Release Expectations

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How Gratitude Helps You Release Expectations

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good! His faithful love endures forever.” - 1 Chronicles 16:34

Holiday Blues

I have felt the sting of sadness when plans don’t quite go the way I imagined. I long for the days when all my kids were around my holiday table.

I long to cling to the traditions I built when my children were young.

I loved how the kids fussed over setting the table. We’re an artistic bunch, and they worked hard to make it pretty.

Now that my children are grown, it’s not always possible to be together every holiday. I have to share them with their spouses' families. They all live far from me and the distance can be a hindrance to us gathering. As much as I want holidays to remain the same, it’s no longer possible.

In the early years with my adult children this left me heartbroken and sometimes bitter.

Moms, we know we need to adapt, but we struggle with change. We wrestle with traditions being set aside now that our children are grown. In the quiet, when we’re honest, we really want things to go our way. We wrestle with selfishness.

What if there is a way for moms to release holiday expectations?

Could gratitude hold the key?

While expectations rumble with selfishness and demands, gratitude keeps our hearts open to the goodness of God and the needs of our family members.

While we want to hold tight to our old ways and traditions, gratitude helps us see new possibilities and gives us a fresh perspective.

Where expectations squeeze and take, gratitude releases and gives.

The antidote to expectations is gratitude. As we shift our heart to give thanks, we invite God near. His nearness transforms us.

Where bitterness reigned, softness was invited to dwell.

“I will give thanks to you, Lord, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds” - Psalm 9:1

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How to Release Holiday Expectations

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How to Release Holiday Expectations

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16


Holiday Tension

As the calendar flips to November, my thoughts turn to holiday plans and the air is ripe with tension as I wonder if and when I’ll be reunited with my grown kids.

Momma, do you feel the tension too?

I have precious memories and traditions and I can’t bear the thought of them not continuing. My heart is full of expectations on how the holidays will look, but I know that my refusal to budge causes irreparable harm to my family.

I long for the days when the kids were near. There was no doubt we’d be together around the table at every holiday dinner. My grown kids are all returning home to celebrate their dad’s birthday mid-November, so that means I won’t see them all for Thanksgiving. Instead of them all coming home, we’ll gather at our oldest son’s home in Minnesota, along with some of his siblings. I must adapt. I need to have a good attitude about it.

There are plenty of reasons why your holidays could look different. Your child might want to spend time with their significant other. Perhaps work doesn’t allow them to return home. Maybe they’re tired of the endless holiday shuffle from home to home with cranky grandkids. Could it be that they need to be with their in-laws this time around? What if they just want to have a simple Christmas at home?

Moms are required to lean in and find strength in God as we release expectations for the good of the whole. Instead of causing strife in our families, by demanding our grown kids celebrate the holidays a certain way, let us choose the way of least resistance, as we learn to let go.

  • Could we lean in and find strength from God as we realize the holidays will look different now that our offspring are grown?

  • Would could it look like if we laid down our demands and chose the way of peace?

  • What if moms laid their expectations at the feet of Jesus and processed the loss with Him?

  • How would a mom filled with gratitude communicate graciously with her adult children?

  • What if guilt was replaced with compassion?

  • What if pressure was exchanged for peace?

  • Could the art of compromise be practiced so everyone feels like their voice is heard?

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Four Reasons Why You Can Trust God

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Four Reasons Why You Can Trust God

“And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.” - Psalm 9:10

When It’s Hard to Trust

At times, I allow my concerns for my grown children too much time in my head. I rehearse their struggles. I lament about where they’re at with God. I want to fix and rescue them because that’s what I did when they were young. I make God small, as I magnify their problems.

We find ourselves in this dark place of fear and doubt, don’t we, mommas? We’re perplexed and overwhelmed with our children’s difficult circumstances. We wonder why they walked away from Him. We fear for their future. We doubt their ability to make wise decisions. We question God’s ways.

We have two options in this season of motherhood: We can spend our days obsessed with our offspring’s struggles, worried, our lives devoid of peace, or we can experience the calm that comes from trusting God.

It’s normal to worry about our loved ones, but it becomes sin when we don’t turn it over to God. When we struggle with a lack of trust, it’s helpful to ask ourselves why do we struggle to trust God? What is it about His character that is lacking? Why do we want things to go the way we think they should? Why do we feel this need to control outcomes?

What The Bible Says About Trust

A short jaunt through the scriptures and we find endless reasons why God is trustworthy. Here are a few:

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.” - Proverbs 3:5-6

“Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act.” - Psalm 37:4-5

“Our soul waits for the LORD; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O LORD, be upon us, even as we hope in you.” - Psalm 33:20-22

“You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD GOD is an everlasting rock.” - Isaiah 26:3-4

“Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and will not be afraid; for the LORD GOD is my strength and my song, and he has become my salvation.” - Isaiah 12:2

“And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O LORD, have not forsaken those who seek you.” - Psalm 9:10

“When I am afraid,I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?” - Psalm 56:3-4

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the LORD, whose trust is the LORD. He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit.” - Jeremiah 17:7-8

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4 Ways to Rely On God

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4 Ways to Rely On God

“Come away with me and you’ll recover your life.” Matthew 11:28 The Message

Sleepless Nights

The house is quiet, the only light comes from her bedside table where her phone is charging. Denise flops over angrily in bed to check the time on her phone. It registers 2:13 am; it’s been 40 minutes since she last looked. She sighs heavily as frustration rises in her soul as the uncontrollable thoughts race through her mind. She wonders about her daughter, Lizzie, away at college. Is she safe? Is she making friends? Is she making wise choices? Will she go crazy with all the freedom she has now? Will she go to church? Does she think about God anymore?

Denise tugs at her blankets and stares at the ceiling feeling lost and uncertain now that her daughter has moved away. “What am I supposed to do now? Who am I apart from my motherhood? What am I going to do with my time now that I don’t have all her activities to go to?” she wonders.

Her thoughts turn to God. “Do you even care? You seem so far away? I feel unsure, unsteady and overwhelmed. Why does it have to be like this? This ache in my chest won’t go away and I don’t know what to do about it. I can’t steady my thoughts. I can’t find You in my grief. Where are you God? I feel alone and abandoned.”


Change

I remember the sleepless nights after launching a child into the world and the ache I carried through my days. Everything in my world changed, and I didn’t know what I was supposed to do with this pain? How could I rely on God to get me through this heartache?

We all face this shift in our motherhood as we launch our children into the world. We long for the familiar, but we can’t find it because everything has changed. We wonder where God is, like He’s playing some cruel game of hide and seek. We feel unsettled and ill-equipped. How do we rely on Him in this season? What does that look like and how can it help relieve our pain?

How to Rely on God

We have some powerful words from Jesus, to anchor our souls on in Matthew 11:28-30:

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” - Matthew 11:28-30 The Message

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4 Things A Mom Needs To Know Before College Drop Off

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4 Things A Mom Needs To Know Before College Drop Off

“Trust in the Lord and do good.Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.” Psalm 37:3 NLT

Move In Day

The August sun beat down as we unloaded our overpacked cars and schlepped items up to the third floor of her dorm. We passed sweaty students, as eager parents made sense of the small spaces. Our youngest daughter, Keziah was bright with excitement as we unpacked boxes and got her closet arranged just right. Her dad lugged the refrigerator up three flights and lofted the bed. We were thankful for a breeze through her window.

We gobbled some Chick Fil-A, made a Target run, then one last sweep of her room. She plopped down on her cute futon under the lofted bed with the matching comforter and fluffy throw pillows. She looked content in her space, with little plants speckled about the room. She seemed ready. This was our cue to head home.

Why did she seem so assured and confident? This one was fiercely independent. All I could think of was I wouldn’t see her sweet face every day. A lump formed in my throat as we said our goodbyes. Soft tears rolled down our cheeks. I think she cried for us more than herself. We knew this young woman would prosper in every way.

The three hour ride home was quiet for my hubby and I. All I could think about was how fast those eighteen years with her went. After 30 years of parenting our five kids, the nest was empty. Though I have made this transition five times, it never got easier for me.

Transition

When we drop our child at college, it is one of the biggest transitions we will make as a mom.

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4 Things To Do If You're Serious About Respect

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4 Things To Do If You're Serious About Respect

“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.”-Matthew 7:12

As Children Change

As my grown children left home and ventured into the big world, some of them came back with new ideas or fresh insights that were contrary to how they were raised. Initially I viewed these differences as a reflection of me, and I felt like a failure as their mother.

I thought, “This isn’t how I raised you. How can you possibly think that way about these issues?” I wanted to fight back with all the reasons they were wrong, but I knew that wouldn’t get us anywhere. I needed to shift and think less about myself and realize they were autonomous humans who were free to think whatever they wanted about society.

This is a season of great change for both mom and her adult child. Our children will test theories and wrestle with what they believe about themselves, society, and God. Growth is required for both of us and respect is the channel which fuels positive change.

The Need To Respect

I needed to extend respect through the way we communicated. But not the insincere “grin and bear it” sort. I desired to truly honor them as humans. As a follower of Christ, honor is due even when we disagree.

I concentrated on my connection with God. He became my source of comfort as I poured out my woes. My calmness, genuine respect, and gentle words ruled our interactions. I wasn’t required to agree with my grown child; I was simply asked to respect them each time we talked.

This was not easy at first! Where there was once frustration and a simmering inside, I’ve learned to talk peacefully. I practice patience and surrender all the emotions to God instead of flinging piercing words at my children. This took years of practice.

We don’t want to behave in a negative way, but sometimes it is painful for us to respect a child who sees the world differently from how we raised them because we think respect means acceptance. I don’t believe these words are synonymous.

Hurtful words flung in an emotional moment cause a rift in our relationships. We realize respect is the better way. When we give respect we usher in grace, peace and God’s presence.

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8 Awesome Bible Verses To Study About Communication

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8 Awesome Bible Verses To Study About Communication

“Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how you ought to answer each person.” -Colossians 4:6

Hard Conversations

Amanda leaned against the kitchen counter, arms crossed, as she faced her young adult daughter, Rachel. Rachel’s eyes were downcast, fearing the conversation. “I know this isn’t going to go well, she thought, “but here we go again.”

“Mom, I just don't want to go to college!” Rachel pleaded. “It’s a stupid waste of money. I don’t even know what I want to do with my life. Why do I have to go? Can’t I just kick back for a year and see what happens?”

Amanda braced herself for the exchange as she felt the tension in her upper back. “Why in the world would you take a year off? That’s just stupid. You think you can just slide into adulthood? It doesn’t work like that. Around here, we do the work. You should definitely register for classes at the university. You’ll be fine.”

The tension hung in the air as Rachel slipped away, defeated and wondered, “When will she ever stop making suggestions and listen to what I have to say?”

Is this type of conversation familiar in your home?

I didn’t mean to give unsolicited advice, yet suggestions quickly rolled off my tongue, and I saw the ache behind my adult child’s eyes when I offered advice.

In an effort to protect our kids, or show them the path ahead could be harmful, we overstep. We talk too much. We say things like, “You should…” or “Why don’t you…” We magnify the situation, resulting in conflict.

We say they are being rebellious or disagreeable, but if we are honest, we are irritated that they will not do what we want. Our adult kids are no longer children and they are not required to obey us (Ephesians 6:1). This is a hard shift for moms to understand.

Gracious Speech

No mom intentionally sets out to frustrate her adult children, but in our carelessness we often cause harm.

Gaining a fresh perspective from God’s Word is what we need. It’s helpful to remember God cares about how we speak.

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