“This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”- Genesis 2:24

What kind of mother-in-law are you? Maybe your kids aren’t married yet, but have you thought about what kind of mother-in-law you want to be? Just saying the phrase brings up a negative response, right?

Monster In-Law

Do you remember the 2005 movie, Monster In-Law with Jane Fonda and Jennifer Lopez? The story went like this. Charlotte (Jennifer Lopez) is smitten when she meets Dr. Kevin Fields (Michael Vartan). So when Kevin pops the question after they start dating, Charlotte happily accepts. But she soon realizes that Kevin's mom, Viola (Jane Fonda), is not quite thrilled to have a new family member. Viola, a newscaster, has just lost her job and is feeling rather attached to Kevin, so she regards Charlotte as her new competition -- and will apparently do anything to make her son call off the wedding.

We  simultaneously cringed and laughed as the antics unfolded of the mother-in-law's overbearing nature and constant criticism of her son’s choice. She tried to control everything. She resorted to manipulation. She was the epitome of what not to do as a mother-in-law. The movie was over the top but it resonated because so many couples experience this heartache from a scorned mother who doesn’t understand her boundaries.

 It doesn’t have to be this way. 

How about you? Have you thought about the kind of mother-in-law you want to be? Are you taking steps to do this role well, to be a blessing to your children, instead of causing conflict and relational stress?

There’s a powerful verse of scripture that sets the stage and provides clear boundaries for a mother in-law. “This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.”- Genesis 2:24 This verse tells us a man will leave his mother and father and become united with his wife.There must be separation.Their bond as a new couple is the base for all leadership in their family. They call the shots; you do not. They are separate from their parents as God intended them to be.

Most conflict comes when a mom doesn’t understand this shift. She is to release her child, and allow him/her to create a foundation with his wife/husband. Her role is now to support them, to relinquish control of her son/daughter and his wife/husband. 

Licensed therapist Heather Bjur sums it up like this. “There has to be complete unconditional, positive regard from the mother. She has to be the leader in connecting and caring but not overstepping or helping when help isn't needed.”

Four things mom needs to do.

1. Be self-aware: 

This is a time to get real honest with yourself, mom. This will require courage and humility. Notice your interactions with your child’s spouse. Do they feel judged because of something you’ve said or your nonverbal expressions? When you “own” the ways you’ve contributed negatively to the relationship, you will see change. Take an honest look inside and know you are covered with God’s grace.  

2. Practice complete unconditional positive regard:

This looks like accepting your child’s mate for who they are. It means not criticizing or correcting. There can be no unsolicited advice or helpful hints. This is radical love. You set the tone in the relationship. Your unconditional love for them will have lasting effects. We are not required to change anyone, that’s the Holy Spirit’s role.  What are you doing to communicate acceptance towards your child’s spouse?

3. Initiate connection

If you’re waiting around for them to come to you, you might wait a long time.They already feel like an outsider, so what can you do to welcome them to the family? You go to them and be welcoming. Take an interest in what matters to them. Invite them out for coffee, or shopping. You are the welcome mat in your relationship. What are you doing to build a connection with your child’s spouse?

4. Don’t overstep

This is a challenge for some moms.You are not responsible to your in-law’s anything. When you overstep by offering unsolicited help, it makes them feel less than. Help gladly when it’s asked for. Get permission to help, but if they decline your request, you need to be okay with that too.This communicates respect. Understand your boundary and maintain it at all times. When you do this, you’ll find more peace in your relationship with your in-law. 

Culture has given mother-in-laws a bad rap, but with God’s help we can have satisfying relationships as long as moms are sure to be self-aware, love unconditionally, initiate connection, and don’t overstep. 

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, It is hard for me to let go of my adult child and allow them to build a life with their spouse apart from me. Forgive me for being overbearing or not welcoming to my in-law. I want my child’s marriage to flourish and I want to love my child’s spouse like they’re my own. Help me support my child’s spouse with unconditional love and positive regard. Heal any pain I may have caused in their relationship. Give me wisdom to love them both well. Amen.

Do you wonder what’s next?

Grab my free guide, Your Kids Are Grown….Now What? It’s a four page guide to help you understand the three different phases of midlife motherhood. You’ll move from the Empty-Feeling mom, to the Questioning Mom, to the Celebratory mom. The guide will help you see what to expect next. 

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