“Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”-Romans 12:18

The Hard Conversation

Elizabeth wanted to have a conversation with her daughter, but fear welled up inside. Dread accompanied insecurity as she braced herself for this difficult conversation. She knew where her daughter, Lisa stood on the overturning of Roe vs Wade. She’d seen her daughter’s post go viral a few days earlier. Her momma heart was shattered as waves of despair and hopelessness crashed through her thoughts. Sleepless nights gave way to teary days as questions loomed:  “Where did I go wrong? I’m such a failure! How did my child come to this conclusion? This isn’t how I raised her!  When did this happen and what do I do? What should I say? I don’t want to argue.”  

Elizabeth did what a hurting mom does, she brought her pain to God in prayer. She poured out her heartache and once again laid her grown child at His feet. Surrender and trust were her battle weapons.  As in times before, the Spirit whispered. “I’ve got her. I’m not done yet. Trust Me.” Peace was ushered in as Elizabeth offered  thanks to God. 

When Lisa returned from work, Elizabeth grabbed a couple mugs of tea, and they plopped down on the couch. Elizabeth flung a silent prayer to heaven and bravely said, “Lisa, you seem really passionate about the overturning of Roe vs Wade. Would you like to tell me about it?”  Elizabeth settled in with a warm smile and a heart tuned to listen well. 

Civil Conversation

There are times when you and your adult child will not agree on certain social issues, faith ideas, or moral decisions. This can cause moms to turn to despair and self-loathing as we focus on ourselves and wonder where we went wrong with this child. Our self-centeredness often hurts our child, because it makes them feel less than, that they’re somehow flawed for believing differently than we do. 

Disagreements can be a breeding ground for resentment and bitterness to grow in our relationship, resulting in a rift. During the conversation, you’ll want to add your “two cents!” You’ll want to roll your eyes! You’ll wonder how they ever landed on this opinion. It takes an extra measure of self-control, not to blurt out, “Are you crazy?” Deep down you know doing any of these will hurt your grownup child. So what’s a mom to do?  What if there was a way to maintain our bond of love even when we disagree? What if we could agree to disagree?

1. The ministry of listening: Listening is our greatest asset when we disagree with our adult child, yet most Christians fail miserably at listening because we think we know everything or we fight to be right, instead of listening.

In the book, Why Do You Believe That?, Mary Jo Sharp explains the ministry of listening:

“Dietrich Bonhoeffer, brilliant Christian thinker and an outspoken opponent of the Nazi regime in Germany, described listening as the first service one owes to another. ‘So often Christians, especially preachers, think that their only service is always to have to offer something when they are together with other people. They forget that listening can be a greater service than speaking. Many people seek a sympathetic ear and do not find it among Christians, because these Christians are talking when they should be listening.’” 

 How often do our adult children feel unheard and misunderstood because we never truly listen to what they have to say? We’re opposed to what we think they will say, so we don’t enter the conversation with compassion and a willingness to hear their heart. Listening is an act of love and a high calling for those who know Jesus.

You can find more about listening on this blog, The Beauty of Listening to Your Adult Child

2. Focus less on yourself. Moms get tripped up during difficult conversations because they focus on themselves instead of their child. While they feel like a failure and question their ability as a mom, this takes all the focus off of the child. Instead of listening, we rehearse how we’ve failed and that will get us nowhere quickly. Instead, we must focus on our child. Watch their body language, listen for the unspoken cues that tell us how our child truly feels. 

After you’ve listened well, then it’s a great time to say, “Can I share my heart with you?” You’re free to share your opinion, but do it with all kindness and gentleness. You’ll both come away feeling heard. 

3.Accept you probably won’t change their opinion: Moms often want to come with both barrels blazing into these conversations and that’s a heart posture that will do nothing to create a strong bond. We are not required to change our adult child’s opinion. We are not the Holy Spirit. Only God can move on a human’s heart and the sooner we learn that, the more harmony we’ll experience in our relationship with our grownup child.

Only Jesus transform a heart. Moms, this is not our role. Our job is to listen and pray. Our children are not likely to change our opinions, so why do we think we can change theirs? 

  4. Value relationship over competition. Often when we enter tense conversations we feel there has to be a winner and a loser.  We long to make our point or change their mind.  What if we  shifted our thinking? What if conversations were less about winners and losers? What if our bond was more important than being right? 

When we agree to disagree it communicates to our adult child that we love and value our relationship more than their views about certain issues. It shows we value connection more than correction. As long as we haven’t been dismissive of our adult children, it’s mature so say, “we need to agree to disagree.” Then if it’s agreeable to both,  we walk away knowing we don’t need to bring the topic up again. 

Most of us are conflict aversive. We’d rather dodge and dip, refusing to address the “elephant in the room.” Every conversation doesn’t have to be viewed as a battle with a winner and loser. Instead we view conversation as a way to gain understanding. With practice, patience, tenderness, and the gift of listening, we can navigate challenging topics with grace while maintaining our bond of love with our grown children. We can trust it’s okay for all involved to agree to disagree. 

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, I’m anxious when my child and I disagree on certain things. It causes me to withhold or judge them harshly and I don’t want to do either of those.  Give me wisdom and strength to enter these conversations with gentleness and the heart to understand.  It’s not my job to change anyone’s opinion because only You can change a heart.  Help us learn how to agree to disagree and still remain close. Amen.

Still Struggling?

I have a free 12 page guide, a blueprint per se, Three Tricky Topics with Prompts for Honest Conversation with Your Adult Child.  Just leave your name and email below so I know where to send it.