4 Ways to Listen Effectively
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“Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.” - Proverbs 21:23
Distracted
Tension hung in the air as Jackie and her daughter, Melissa fidgeted uncomfortably in the coffee shop booth. Melissa wanted to talk to her mom about her boyfriend, Ben. Melissa squared her shoulders and took a deep breath, fearing what her mom’s reply might be. “Mom, why don’t you like him? You’re not even trying!” she said in disgust. Jackie’s phone buzzed. She reached for it to answer the text. “Just a minute, it’s your dad. He needs to know what time we have to be at the baseball game for you brother,” said Jackie. Melissa rolled her eyes in disgust. “Here we go again, I can’t even have a conversation with her,” thought Melissa as she slumped down in the booth.
“That brother of yours. He’s doing so well on the team this year. When are you going to go to one of his games? He’s amazing! You’re just always hanging out with that boyfriend. You don’t even care about your family anymore, do you?” said Jackie.
Indignant, Melissa insisted, “Mom, back to our conversation about Ben.” Jackie rolled her eyes and said, “Oh, what is there to say about Ben that you haven’t already said?” Jackie interrupted, “You think he’s wonderful, and I just think you could do better.” Defeated and feeling unheard, Melissa sinks into the booth and returns to sipping her latte. “When will she ever listen to me?” Melissa wondered.
Poor Communication
I’ve been this mom, utterly distracted by my phone and made assumptions about what my child was going to say. I wasn’t listening at all. I was rude, unfocused, and insensitive. I’m not proud of myself for it.
The cornerstone of effective communication is the art of listening. We could avoid missteps and misunderstandings if we listened well to our adult children. It’s a complex skill to learn but when we do, it results in deeper understanding and connection with our grown children. Ultimately, we both want to feel heard in any conversation.
We need to remove the attitude that the parent knows all and that the child must receive and adhere to the parents wishes.
This is a difficult transition to navigate for most parents who are used to leading this relationship. When we shift to seeing each other as listening equals, this ushers in better conversations.
God cares deeply about this topic and addresses the power of listening many times in His Word. We are admonished to control our tongues by keeping our mouths shut. Less talking and more listening results in understanding and healthier relationships.
Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. - James 1:19
Those who control their tongue will have a long life; opening your mouth can ruin everything. - Proverbs 13:3
There is more hope for a fool than for someone who speaks without thinking. - Proverbs 29:20
Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble. – Proverbs 21:23
Even fools are thought wise when they keep silent; with their mouths shut, they seem intelligent. - Proverbs 17:28
What are you willing to do differently so you can listen well to your adult child?
Four Ways to Listen Effectively:
1.Be present: Licensed counselor, Jennifer Noble says, “We are inundated with images and messages, all vying for our attention. As a result, our attention is fractionated. We’ve become experts at tuning out and channel surfing, and have become selective hearers.”
We need to set aside every physical and mental distraction and this might be the hardest part about listening. To have a great conversation, we need to put our phones away, find a time that both parties have the emotional energy to focus, and concentrate on the person.
Instead of just nodding and thinking about what you’ll say next, try repeating what they’re saying in your thoughts. This will help you truly focus on them instead of your response.
2.Set your agenda aside: Most of us usually enter a conversation with an agenda. There’s a result we want to see, or a mission to accomplish, or an expectation of how the conversation will go. We set ourselves up for failure when we come with a preconceived plan.
Instead, let’s come with an open heart and a desire to truly understand our grown child. This will require us to think less of ourselves and more about the person we’re listening to. Instead of desiring to correct or change our child, we’ll enter the conversation with empathy. Let’s view each other as equals, because we are both children of God who want to be understood.
3. Watch for nonverbal cues: We speak with so much more than words. Our facial and body language indicates clues to what we’re not saying. Jennifer Noble, licensed therapist, offers this insight: “When we learn to listen for what is NOT being said, we can hear the unspoken feelings beneath someone’s anger or impatience. We discover the power to release the bitterness that keeps people apart. With a little effort, we can hear the hurt behind expressions of hostility, the resentment behind avoidance, and the vulnerability that makes people afraid to speak or truly listen. When we understand the healing power of effective listening, we can even begin to listen to things that make us uncomfortable.”
4. Maintain an attitude of Christ: When we return to Jesus’ example, we can’t help but see gentleness, kindness, and humility displayed in every interaction. What could it look like if we entered every conversation with our adult child with this same attitude? Resentment is diffused, pride is set aside, and the humble find reconciliation. Isn’t that a beautiful prospect?
Go ahead and ask yourself the famous question, “What would Jesus do?” then aptly apply his principles of communication and see how God transforms hearts. When we act like Christ, we see peace ushered in.
When we practice these skills, we’ll improve our bond with our adult child. We’ll experience peace where there was once tension. As we model listening to our kids, hopefully they will return the gift back to us.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, I want to be a better listener because it’s what You require of me. Help me to stay focused, be present and set my agenda aside. I want to pay attention to what is not being said too. Help me maintain a Christ-like attitude as I display humility and gentleness with my adult child. Amen.
Still Struggling?
Here’s a free guide to help you, 10 Things Moms Say That Frustrate Their Adult Children(And Five Ways to Stop Yourself From Saying Them). Just leave your name and email below, so I know where to send it.
