The Heart Work Required to Release Expectations

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the heart work required to release expectations-pamela henkelmanjpg

“Create in me a pure heart,  O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”-Psalm 51:10

The Voice of Shame

I don’t want to face it. I’d rather hide from it, but today I’m smacked with my shame.   She cuts with her remarks. 

You are a failure!

You couldn’t even pray well enough for your kids!  

You really messed it up, mom! 

What kind of Christian are you?

 I sat in a puddle of tears again, wishing, hoping, praying my child wasn’t walking away from God. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be.  This isn’t the vision I had for our family. 

The Holy Spirit gently whispers in my thoughts, “This isn’t about your child. I hold your child. What I want to talk about today is your heart. Let’s look at why you feel shame.  It’s more about you than them.” 

Honestly, facing the condition of my heart wasn’t something I wanted to do.

Wouldn't it be easier to focus on how they had let me down?

God graciously revealed areas of pride, judgement, and criticism I had allowed to grow in my heart surrounding this child. He led me to understand my expectations were harming this child. While the enemy wanted to beat me down with shame, the Holy Spirit wanted to grow me. He lovingly revealed how my motives were the things hurting this child. This was the beginning of my letting go and I didn’t experience humiliation nearly as often. 

Heart Check

Mom, we think our expectations are about our kids, but they have more to do with you than we know.  What if we addressed our inner dialogue and our motives? Let’s take a look inside and ask the Holy Spirit to shine a light on our motivations.  

Yes, we have dreams, hopes, and desires for our children, but those goals might be rooted in what we want for our kids, instead of what they want. Remember, we had their childhood to influence them, but when they reach adulthood, they are not bound to our wishes anymore. 

We step back and let them lead. It’s God's plan for us to release them so they become responsible for themselves and their connection with God. 

Some of the deeper work required for mom is understanding why we cling to these unrealistic assumptions. Addressing our motives for these notions can help us release them.  

It’s helpful to ask yourself these questions about why you grip your expectations:

  • Is it because you want them to live a better life than you did?

  • Is it because you don’t want them to make your mistakes?

  • Is it meeting a longing inside of you?

  • Will it make you feel better as a mom?

  • Does it help you feel less of a failure when they meet our hopes for them?

Freedom comes when we face the intention in our heart and lay it before God.  In surrendering our expectations, we find peace.  It’s not contingent on our adult children’s behavior.  It’s about having a pure heart before God.

As we release expectations, we submit our adult children to God’s care.  He is trustworthy and true.  He’s not hindered by the questions, doubts, poor choices, or mindsets held by our kids.   He continually works in them even when we can’t see it. He’s writing their story. We are not. He is the Author and Perfecter of their faith.

Isn’t God trustworthy? 

Mom, liberation comes as we lay it all down before God. Love flows freely as the ties of expectations are broken.

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, I recognize my expectations may be more about me than my children.  I give you  permission to examine my heart.  Illuminate the motives in me that aren’t helpful in my relationship with my adult child.  Release me from the grip of shame and heal my heart. Amen.

I’ve created a free guide for you, “Five Ways To Support Your Adult Child.” Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.