How to Reconnect with Your Partner After the Kids Leave Home

/
How to Reconnect with Your Partner After the Kids Leave Home

Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”- Matthew 19:6


Lonely Evenings

Elizabeth scurries about the kitchen while she waits for her husband, Dave to come in from the garage. Frustration bubbles to the surface as she thinks “I worked all day too, why can’t he help me cook dinner?”  

She imagines another awkward evening at the dinner table with just the two of them. “It was so much easier when we were distracted by the kids,” she thinks. “Now I feel more alone than ever.” 

Sure, they’ll talk about work, but nothing really important. Dave will say a few words then retreat to his chair to watch sports while I read another book. They will spend another lonely evening together. “This is not how I imagined it to be.” Elizabeth thinks, “ Everyone says the empty nest is amazing, but mostly I feel sad and disconnected. How am I ever going to find my way back to my husband?” Liz wonders. 

Marital Satisfaction

How about you? How satisfied are you in your empty nest marriage?

Marital satisfaction can decline rapidly in the empty nest, especially when women feel disconnected from their mates. We want more in our empty nest marriages. We want it  to be more than two lives lived separately. We long for emotional intimacy, mutual satisfaction, and a fresh vision for our marriage. We dream of legacy and impact, not criticism, fault-finding and boredom.

What do we do if our empty nest marriage looks nothing like we imagined? 

Read More

Revitalize Your Empty Nest Marriage: Remove Contempt to Embrace Respect

/
Revitalize Your Empty Nest Marriage: Remove Contempt to Embrace Respect

“Show proper respect to everyone.” - 1 Peter 2:17


Discontent Rumbles

This low-level discontent rumbled in my heart for months. I was 26 years into our marriage, and I felt dissatisfied. Our nest started to empty but our busy ministry schedule, children’s activities, and obligations kept us running hard. 

Maybe I was tired. Maybe I was frustrated with the ministry, nevertheless, I took it out on my husband. 

He couldn’t do anything right, in my estimation. I’d mumbled under my breath and had critical, negative thoughts towards him. Oh, I didn’t act like anything was wrong. No sir! I kept up the charade! 

Even coworkers at the church office noticed how we snipped at each other. Pastor Adam, our worship leader, called us on it one day. “You guys sure bicker a lot!” he said. “We do?” I thought, slightly irritated and convicted by his comment. 

Here’s the deal, my husband knew nothing about my simmering contempt because I didn’t tell him. The problem wasn’t his behavior'; it was the condition of my heart. I allowed myself to be embittered and filled with contempt for his slightest missteps. I magnified his mistakes while I was puffed up with pride for what a great wife I was. 

Goodness! What a recipe for disaster. I’m grateful the Lord met with me through prayer as He dealt with my pride.  After reading Gary Thomas’, Sacred Marriage, I knew I needed to handle my heart (a.k.a. my sin). 

As Gary Thomas recommended, I made a list of all my husband's admirable qualities: personality traits, physical attributes, and character qualities. It wasn’t hard to come up with a beautiful, long list. My heart swelled as I continued to add to the list. Then I made another list: all the ways I fell short. I listed my sins and they were many. 

I was disgusted with myself, but I did not feel condemned. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I realized my shortcomings. God ministered to me, those weeks, as I prayed over these lists. My admiration for my husband grew and my understanding of all the ways I fell short had a lasting impact. I dealt with my pride before God and He was most tender with me. The contempt and discontent faded away. 

Read More

Managing Holiday Expectations with Adult Children: Tips for a Joyful Holiday Season

/
Managing Holiday Expectations with Adult Children: Tips for a Joyful Holiday Season

 “Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth.” - 1 Timothy 6:6


Longing for Christmas Past

Angela riffled through the familiar Christmas boxes, as she quietly set up the tree. Memories of Christmases past swirled through her mind. Christmas morning arrived with bleary eyed kids awake early, while gooey cinnamon rolls baked in the oven. The smell of cinnamon and a fresh brewed pot of coffee wafted through the home. The three eager kids were lined up on the couch, in their matching Christmas jammies, waiting for them to doll out their presents. “Which one did Santa bring?” the youngest exclaimed as Angela and her hubby shared a knowing glance.

Hours were spent on the floor playing with their new toys, while discarded Christmas wrapping and bows floated around the room. Lego sets were carefully organized at the table as little boys built their new creations. They could barely pull the kids away from their new treasures to enjoy a little Christmas breakfast. 

“I wonder what Christmas will be like this year?” Angela thought. I wish we could go back to those simple days when all the kids were at home. We had them all to ourselves. It was so easy. We didn’t have to share with in-laws. I wish we could just keep it all the same forever. I feel sad that those days are gone.  


A Season to Adapt

We long to cling to the good ole days when our kids were young and we knew exactly what to expect. It was easier. We weren’t required to adapt. We wouldn’t be disappointed. We understand this tension of longing for the past but realize we must adapt for the good of the whole.

 This is a new season with our adult children and holding on to old expectations is the surest way to ruin the holiday season for our whole family. We have a gracious God who willingly supports us as we learn new ways.

Let's define expectations so we’re all on the same page.  According to Collins Dictionary, a person's expectations are strong beliefs they have about the proper way someone should behave or something should happen.

For moms, a lot of expectations center around how we believe the holidays should look for our families. When our kids don’t meet those expectations it causes tension.Disappointment bubbles up, resentment brews.

Do you have expectations of what the holiday season should look like? Are you crushed when your expectations aren’t met by your grown kids? What if there were a better way for us to enjoy the holiday season with our growing families?

Read More

Why It's Important to Pray for Your Adult Child

/
Why It's Important to Pray for Your Adult Child

The Invitation to Pray

Have you ever had a directive straight from heaven? I heard the Spirit whisper clearly one day, “If you don’t pray for your adult children, who will?”

The impact of that question rattled around in my heart and head. Aside from their grandma, who was praying for our adult children? Besides their dad and I, who was interceding on their behalf? Maybe someone from church? Maybe their pastor? Maybe a few friends or their in-laws? The list seemed quite short in my estimation.

The significance of my “yes” to pray seemed magnified. “Challenge accepted, Holy Spirit!” I whispered.

We often feel unsettled when kids grow up and leave. We see them less often, and we have diminished impact over their choices. They have free will. They get to make their own path. This is God’s will for humanity. God wants our kids to choose Him but He will not force His hand. Instead He lovingly calls them to His heart.

We need to remember we still have influence through our prayers.

It’s a privilege to pray for our adult kids as they navigate relationships, health trials, young marriage, career choices, parenting “littles”, cultural wars, and what they believe about God.

Prayer is one thing we can do for our adult children. It’s an honor and privilege to intercede on their behalf. Prayer is the tool we use to surrender our wishes, and hold fast to the promises of God. Momma, you know how we are as moms. We think we know best and when life with our child doesn’t go how we think it should, we get a little upset. We question God’s goodness, we doubt His presence, and we feel abandoned. 

Prayer is the tool we use to reorient our hearts to God.

Stormie Omartian said it best in her book, The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children, “Prayer is not telling God what to do. Prayer is partnering with God to see that His will is done.”

More than anything I want God’s will done in my children’s lives. Even the ones who doubt He is real or feel hurt by the church. My continual prayer is they would have a fresh revelation of His great love for them.

Read More

Four Great Reasons Moms Can Connect with God

/
Four Great Reasons Moms Can Connect with God

“Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” - John 15:5 NL

Connecting with God


The sun bursts forth as my hubby and I head out for our early morning prayer walk. There’s something powerful about talking to God about our adult kids. Our five offspring are all out of college, four are married, and they are all pursuing careers they enjoy, and yet they all have struggles. Just like any family, ours deals with financial stressors, physical pain, sickness, mental health, relational strife, cultural wars, parenting issues, and managing adulthood well. This is all part of being human. Our kids will always have stressors, but we must respond with faith.

Moms have two options: worry relentlessly about our kids, or pray for them, releasing it all to God, allowing Him to have His way in their lives. As we stroll each morning, we lift our kids to God. He certainly knows what they need more than we. Each prayer is an act of surrender and a way to restore peace to us. Most of the stressors belong to our adult kids. They need to figure them out. We are here to love and support as they navigate adulthood with their own resources. 

My husband and I know that apart from God we are nothing. With God all things are possible. What a privilege to rely on Him as we release our adult kids to His capable hands. Blessed assurance rises in our souls as we pray.

How about you? 

Have you leaned into your relationship with God even more now that you’ve gently released your child into adulthood?  I often hear moms say, “I need God now more than ever before. It was so much easier when my kids were young.”

We want to cling, hold fast to old routines and familiar patterns and all the while God says, “Let them go and cling to Me. Everything you need, I have provided. I’m here. I’m for you. Move a little closer and let me show you I’m trustworthy.”

God waits for the weary, worried mom’s arrival. He’s ready to assist her as she pours out her anguish and fears and then remembers who He is to her.

Jesus uses the teaching from the vineyard to show us what it means to have a living breathing relationship with God, where we cultivate our union and bear fruit because of our connection with God.  “Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing.” - John 15:5 NLT

Read More

Do's & Don'ts of Launching Your Child

/
Do's & Don'ts of Launching Your Child

“May God give you more and more mercy, peace, and love.”-Jude 1:2 NLT

Move in Day

The August sun beat down as we unloaded our overpacked cars and schlepped items up to the third floor of her dorm. We passed sweaty students, as eager parents made sense of the small spaces. Our youngest daughter, Keziah was bright with excitement as we unpacked boxes and got her closet arranged just right. Her dad lugged the refrigerator up three flights and lofted the bed. We were thankful for a breeze through her window.

We gobbled some Chick Fil-A, made a Target run, then one last sweep of her room. We didn’t want to stay too long or do too much for her.  She plopped down on her cute futon under the lofted bed with the matching comforter and fluffy throw pillows. She looked content in her space, with little plants speckled about the room. She seemed ready. This was our cue to head home.

Why did she seem so assured and confident? This one was fiercely independent. All I could think of was I wouldn’t see her sweet face every day.  A lump formed in my throat as we said our goodbyes. Soft tears rolled down our cheeks. I think she cried for us more than herself. We knew this young woman would prosper in every way. 

The three hour ride home was quiet for my hubby and I. The familiar sadness of separation logged in the pit of my stomach.  All I could think about was how fast those eighteen years with her went. After 30 years of parenting our five kids, the nest was empty. Though I had made this transition five times, it never got easier for me. 

Transitions

When we launch our children to college, the military, or a job in a new city, it is one of the biggest transitions we will make as moms. It’s a mixed bag of jubilation and sorrow, excitement, and dread. We know what we must face once we return home to an empty bedroom.

We will miss their adorable faces and everyday interactions. We will long for the pile of dirty dishes in their rooms, and the friends they brought home. We’ll miss their voice and plopping down on their beds to chat. They’re absence changes the family dynamic, and that’s an adjustment too.  

Many questions fill our thoughts: Will they make friends?  Will they be lonely or homesick? Will they be responsible? Will they continue to love God? Will they be safe?

This is the season where we let go of our kids and cling to God. 

We understand the assignment.

We recognize everything has changed, but we are not left alone to figure it out. 

God lavishes mercy, peace, and love on us. He’s tender with us. He understands our heartache and He equips us to do things differently. As we are infused with love and peace, we are able to relate to our emerging adults in a fresh way.

Read More

My Midlife Battle Cry

/
My Midlife Battle Cry

Have you ever received a surprise via email?

I opened my email and started reading about his gorgeous green book called, Midlife Battle Cry: Redefining the Mighty Second Half, by Dawn Barton. The email mentioned my niche to midlife women and asked if I’d be interested in a free copy. Well, my ears perked up and I said, “Yes, I’d love a free copy of this book.”  All I had to do, in return, was write a blog for “my people” and share it on social media. Easy Peasy. The book arrived a few days later.
That evening, I crawled into the hot bubble bath and opened the introduction. I was hooked, even though she jokingly said, “No one reads the introduction.” I always read the introduction because this is where the writer tells us what we get from reading said book.  

She talked about the shock of reaching the “fiddy” milestone birthday and all the expectations we carry along with a bag of regrets. We wonder what’s next and if we’re all a little washed up in midlife.She proposes the second half is the best and half and I have to agree. 


More About the Book

 From the back cover:  “In Midlife Battle Cry, hilarious bestselling author Dawn Barton blends stories, insights and –yes some sass—to inspire you to 

  • embrace who you are physically, spiritually, and emotionally;

  • make your midlife a pivot point into a bold and powerful season; 

  • share your experience and wisdom; and 

  • accept that sometimes adding arch support to your favorite shoes is the way to go.”

Read More

How to Be a Haven for Your Adult Child

/
How to Be a Haven for Your Adult Child

“Love does no wrong to others, so love fulfills the requirements of God’s law.” - Romans 13:10

Oh how we enjoy family time together! 

Our robust family of thirteen is spread across Missouri, Illinois, Minnesota, and Iowa. We gather together two-three times each year. When they were young, I never imagined the physical distance between us. It’s hard for all of us. The kids are constantly bickering about which state is the best to live in and why don’t we all join them there. 

Our adult kids traveled hundreds of miles and descended on our home weary and stiff, but happy to be there, for the long July 4th weekend. Hugs were shared as each family trudged up the front steps with suitcases and a few pets. 

Our normal, tidy home for two, was bustling with chaos and activity. The diabetic cat and the hyper Goldendoodle weren’t too fond of each other. We were vigilant to keep them apart. The coffee pot never stopped humming, and we went through an insane amount of Coke. Each family was in charge of a meal, from grocery shopping, prep, cooking, and cleanup. The bathrooms were busy, as the washing machine spun the dirty towels.

My Family Is Just Like Yours

We’re like any normal family. We have different values and beliefs. We say or do things that are insensitive. We get miffed with each other. We have our share of struggles, including mental health, financial, job transitions, friendship despair, philosophical, and religious differences, but we have purposed in our hearts to create a home where our grown kids are loved and welcomed, just as they are. We endeavor to apologize when necessary and listen well.

In her book Love, Pray, Listen, Mary DeMuth says this: “Your job is to create a haven relationship, one where your adult kids long to be near you because of how they feel in your presence.” It’s the heartbeat of what we’ve created with our grown children. We want to be a safe space for them. We want them to enjoy being with us. We want to love them as Christ loves us. 

Read More

Prodigals Need to Be Loved

/
Prodigals Need to Be Loved


IMAGE

“Long ago the Lord said to Israel: “I have loved you, my people, with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.” - Jeremiah 31:3

Tears in the Hallway

Flustered Erica dabbed the tears from her eyes and begged God for the courage to hold it together today. She bumped into her friend Julie and her mom, Nancy on the way into Bible Study. She tried to hide her tears, but they spilled out in the safety of friends. Julie reached out to Erica and pulled her into a warm hug. “Erica, what’s wrong?”

Choking back the tears, “I’m so upset! I don’t know what to do. My daughter was arrested last night. There was a huge party, and it was busted, and they were taken in. She’s so far from God, and I feel like a failure. Can you pray with me?” Erica sobbed. “Of course, sweet friend,” said Julie. Wise Nancy, with the warm brown eyes and kind grin, didn’t seem concerned at all. She placed her hand on Erica’s shoulder and said with a sly grin, “Oh sweetheart, she’s just working on her testimony.” 

Erica laughed and felt the tension ease from her body. Julie handed her a Kleenex, and they took in the truth of the poignant statement. Elizabeth was right. Calm settled over Erica as she realized God was still with her daughter. This wasn’t the way she wanted her daughter's story to go, but she couldn’t deny God's presence. 

They bowed their heads in the church hallway to pray. Erica’s breathing slowed, as the tears the tears stopped. She heard the still small voice whisper to her soul. “She needs your love more than anything.” Stunned by the revelation, Erica headed the voice of God and knew the best thing she could do was love her prodigal. 

Have you felt the sting of your child making poor choices?  Are they far from God, and you don’t know what to do?

It’s stunning what the Lord revealed to Erica in the midst of silence. When we pause and bow before Him, He speaks. We want to fuss and carry on when our children stray, but God invites us to love our prodigals well.

 We often focus on how we lack and our feelings of inadequacy. We shake our fists to heaven and say, “God it’s not supposed to be this way!” We’re distraught, confused, and disappointed. Yet amidst all that turmoil, God calls us to a higher assignment, love. It’s the upside down ways of the kingdom as we are invited to participate with God in His good work. 

What can we learn about God’s love?

When the Israelites roamed the desert for forty years, hell-bent on doing things their own way, God was incredibly patient. They constantly disobeyed God. The children of God bowed down to idols, complained relentlessly, and married the wrong people. They were stubborn and rebellious, yet God never gave up on them. 

Read More

How to Reconnect When You Feel Distant

/
How to Reconnect When You Feel Distant

“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.” - Ecclesiastes 4:12

Our Daily Returning

Hubby and I gathered at our bright kitchen island as worship music played softly from the Alexa atop the fridge. He carried the stress and pressure of leading a church. I lugged the weight of being self-employed as a writer and life coach. Cooking together is a way to relax and unwind after a busy day.

He peeled the carrots and chopped the onions with precision, while I warmed the Dutch oven on the stove with a splash of olive oil. “How was your day?” he asked. “Good, I got a lot done at my desk, but my upper back is killing me,” I replied. With warm eyes, he met me at the stove and rubbed the tension away with his strong hands.  

He returned to chopping, deep in thought. “What are you thinking about, honey,” I asked. “I’m just processing a situation,” he said introspectively. I leave him to his thoughts because I know this is the best way for him to come to a solution. I eased over to him and wrapped myself around his tall frame and said, “I love you. You’re my favorite.” He smiled and leaned in for a kiss.

Cooking together feels like a lovely dance. He does all the chopping while I work my magic at the stove. We talk, process, and enjoy each other's company. This is our daily rhythm, the place where we find our way back to each other. The place we reconnect. 

Do you have a way to reconnect with your spouse?

In our midlife marriages we often feel distant from our mates. The cares of the world and the stress of children take a toll, and we have little left to support one another. We’ve been focused on our offspring for decades, leaving distance between us. This can cause us to feel disconnected. 

Read More

Bravely Tell Your Story, Momma!

/
Bravely Tell Your Story, Momma!

He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us. -2 Corinthian 1:4

Can We Talk?

I recognized the name in my direct messages from decades ago. We met through mutual friends and had kids of similar ages. Anna reached out wanting to know if we could talk. I sent her a message welcoming a conversation.

I heard the heaviness in her voice as she held back tears. “I love my adult kids so much, and we have a great relationship, but I see changes in my son and I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to mess this up,” she says. Her adult son was raised in the church and went to a Christian college, and now his lifestyle is completely anti-God, and he told her he no longer believes in God.

“I feel like such a failure,” she cried. “I remember feeling like that, too,” I sighed. “I didn’t know who to talk to about it. I can’t talk to people at church because they’ll judge me. I’m so worried I’m going to do something wrong to damage our relationship, and I don't want to do that,” she said. “I didn’t know where to turn, and I thought of you,” she said. We chatted for thirty minutes as she poured out her heartache. I silently whispered a prayer of thanks for God sent her my way. We need each other. I listened and encouraged as she felt relieved to talk about it.

Unsupported Moms

We have an army of forgotten moms trying to navigate their changing roles with their adult children. They wonder where all the experts went. Where is the book “What to Expect When Your Child Reaches Adulthood?”

Moms suffer in silence assuming they’ve completely ruined their kids. They carry grief and shame like boulders in backpacks, weighed down wherever they go.

They tried their best and didn’t receive the outcome they’d hoped for, and now they feel lost.

Moms like this are the reason I write, coach, and produce a weekly podcast, The Midlife Momma Podcast (click on it and you can listen in).

I don’t want them to feel alone anymore. I’ve been parenting my five adult kids for fourteen years and everything about how I parent them has changed. Love is still the cornerstone of our connection, but I’ve had to move to a more supportive role rather than a directive stance.

I’ve failed, fallen, grown, and rallied. I’ll share what works and what does not.

I want to encourage these seasoned moms and support them as they navigate the emotional rollercoaster of parenting their adult children.

Share Your Story

My hope is moms like this will come out stronger as they begin to share their stories. Honestly, we’re so much more alike than different. When one mom takes a defiant step of courage and shares her struggles, she creates an avalanche where other moms can be swept up in the freedom. Freedom comes as we bring our heartache into the light of Christ.

I hope to create a safe space where you can bravely share your disappointments and triumphs, knowing there is an army of women who understand and will offer you support and compassion.

What if moms didn’t cower in shame anymore, but talked about the challenges of parenting adult kids? Instead of staying silent in our churches or bible studies, could we talk openly about our struggles? Could we see the power of bringing our stories into the light?

Read More

4 Things A Mom Needs To Know Before College Drop Off

/
4 Things A Mom Needs To Know Before College Drop Off

“Trust in the Lord and do good.Then you will live safely in the land and prosper.” Psalm 37:3 NLT

Move In Day

The August sun beat down as we unloaded our overpacked cars and schlepped items up to the third floor of her dorm. We passed sweaty students, as eager parents made sense of the small spaces. Our youngest daughter, Keziah was bright with excitement as we unpacked boxes and got her closet arranged just right. Her dad lugged the refrigerator up three flights and lofted the bed. We were thankful for a breeze through her window.

We gobbled some Chick Fil-A, made a Target run, then one last sweep of her room. She plopped down on her cute futon under the lofted bed with the matching comforter and fluffy throw pillows. She looked content in her space, with little plants speckled about the room. She seemed ready. This was our cue to head home.

Why did she seem so assured and confident? This one was fiercely independent. All I could think of was I wouldn’t see her sweet face every day. A lump formed in my throat as we said our goodbyes. Soft tears rolled down our cheeks. I think she cried for us more than herself. We knew this young woman would prosper in every way.

The three hour ride home was quiet for my hubby and I. All I could think about was how fast those eighteen years with her went. After 30 years of parenting our five kids, the nest was empty. Though I have made this transition five times, it never got easier for me.

Transition

When we drop our child at college, it is one of the biggest transitions we will make as a mom.

Read More

4 Foolproof Ways To Supercharge Your Growth

/
4 Foolproof Ways To Supercharge Your Growth

“Let the wise listen and add to their learning, and let the discerning get guidance—” Proverbs 1:5

Do you feel the tension, momma?

I remember wondering, what do I do now? I felt lost and confused as my child left home. What am I supposed to do with my emerging adult? What does it look like to let go of a child you poured your life into? How do I trust them when they’re on their own? Will they make good choices? Will they be responsible? Will they get hurt? What if they walk away from God?

We are trapped between the need to maintain what we have always done, as a mom, with the knowledge our role will change once our child reaches adulthood. We understood what was required of us when the kids were young. Systems and routines ruled the day as we confidently mothered our brood. Expectations were clear and each family member understood their role.

Now, there’s a shift.

We feel unsteady, unsure of how to move forward. We are required to adapt–to grow and expansion feels uncomfortable. We face one of the greatest transitions in our parenting, when our child becomes an adult.

Where is God in this? How can we rely on Him as we foster independence in our child and do the heart work required to navigate this change? How will we remain steady through this transition?

President of inLight Consulting Inc, Rob Streeter says this about transitions:

“When we go through a difficult transition, we must force our minds to acknowledge that God is a careful and purposeful orchestrator. ‘And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose’ (Romans 8:28). As the sovereign and omniscient Orchestrator, He has worked it all into His plan. I honestly don’t know of a greater encouragement than that.”

God is in the midst of this change. He orchestrates it all and there is no sweeter peace.

Change is inevitable and transitions are a part of life. The big question is: Are you ready to grow, or are you resistant to change? Will you refuse to adapt and create added stress in your relationship with your adult child? Will you partner with God as He helps you through this rocky phase?

I understand you feel nervous and unsure, but when you accept a growth mindset, you will flourish in this season. There is growth for you and your adult child. When you submit to the work, you will come through with a deep dependence on God and a strengthened bond with your grown child.

Read More

Love Is The Key To Healing

/

 “Hatred stirs up conflict, but love covers all wrongs.”- Proverbs 10:12


The Answer Is Love

Wendy and I gathered in a comfy booth. She preferred tea, as I reached for my hazelnut latte. Conversation flowed easily after years of friendship; the discussion always rolled around to our kids. We have prayed about our kids together. We have shared the ups and downs of teen years and watched our young adult kids find their life partners.

I understood her heart. Motherhood was her highest calling, and she did it with purpose and grace. After coming from a fractured family unit, she wanted a close family. Her and her husband worked hard to maintain the bond with their kids. We carried identical values for our families.

Her brown eyes welled with fresh tears as she recounted her heartache. Everything had changed. Her daughter came around less often. She moved to a new city and prefers her independence. She doesn’t return home when the other kids do; she seems angry or annoyed with her family.  Wendy wondered why.  “What have I done? I’m so concerned for her.  What should I do?”  

She wrestled with feelings of inadequacy, shame, loss of connection.  She never imagined her adult child would feel so distant. After years of praying for her kids, she wondered how she ended up in this spot?  “Where is God in it?” she pleaded.

I reached for her hand and willed hope to rise in her heart. “I know it hurts. I know you’re confused, but I believe there’s one thing we can give our kids. It’s love. We have to love them through it.”

Love is the key to healing. Love is the path to restoration.

As children of God, love must be our guiding action.  Instead of defensiveness, control, correction, or manipulation, could we, instead, lead with love?  See, love covers (Proverbs 10:12). It doesn’t point out the wrongs, or give disapproving glances. It covers, protects, shields, and restores.

The Holy Spirit is the one who brings correction and conviction, and even then, He moves because of His love. There is no harshness or condemnation. It’s not who God is. But momma, you are not your adult child’s Holy Spirit. You are called to love and leave the rest to God.


Keys To Love

Here are three key passages that teach us how to love:

  •  Most important of all, continue to show deep love for each other, for love covers a multitude of sins.” - 1 Peter 4:8 This is a powerful admonition for us to show deep affection for our adult children.  We don’t point out their flaws or missteps. We don’t shame or belittle because love covers! Love is a blanket over our expectations, so instead of judging our adult kids, we adore them. Love is a person and His name is Jesus. Let’s look at our adult kids the way Jesus looks on us, with eyes of warm mercy and compassion. Let’s let the Holy Spirit bring conviction. That is not our job.

  • “So now I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other.  Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples.” - John 13:34-35 Papa has given us a command to love each other.  We don’t get to withhold our devotion. God is our model for tenderness; we look to Him for clues on how to love. We are free to appreciate others the way He has loved us. His fondness is unending, enduring forever, as it reaches to the heights and depths. We can’t escape His love. Let’s not allow our adult children to be confused or unsure of our dedication to them. 

  • “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” - 1 Corinthians 13:7 Momma, you’re going to want to quit. You’ll become weary in waiting, but love never ends.  It perseveres through hardship, disappointment, and hopelessness. No matter what your adult child faces, we can be a source of love. We must continually return to God as He pours out His love upon us.  Pray that God would reveal His great love to your adult child.  I long for my children to be overwhelmed with His love for them.  In the waiting, we trust God is revealing His devotion to their hearts and minds.

Instead of rescuing or fixing, persuading or cajoling, could we lead with love, midlife momma? Could affection be the element that draws them to you and to the heart of God? 

Do they hear love in your tone when you talk to them? Do they see affection in your eyes?  Even when they are facing challenging circumstances or their life is falling apart, we minister love. Could your devotion bring the healing they so desperately need?

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, help me stay so close to You as You Infuse my heart with love.  May devotion overflow from You to me, then unto my adult child.  Help me set aside criticism, judgment and harshness for tenderness, compassion and support.  May my love be a healing balm in my child’s life.  Pour out Your love upon them so they can experience Your goodness. 

I’ve created a free guide for you, “Five Ways To Support Your Adult Child.” Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.

How To Trust God

/
How To Trust God

“When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid. What can flesh do to me?”-Psalm 56:3-4

Desperate Situations

I reached for my phone, as my Moriah’s name appeared on the screen. “I need to get out, mom,” she said resolutely. I sighed a prayer of relief. I rearranged my schedule and drove the four and half hours to help her pack. Thoughts rolled through my head, on the tedious drive, as I flung desperate prayers to heaven. God please, let him not be there. Please help us get her packed quickly. Please heal her broken heart. Fear and relief marched side by side in my mind.

We huddled in the closet of her loft apartment in downtown Des Moines. The concrete floors were cold beneath us, indicative of the mood, as Moriah riffled through her clothes.

Hot tears streamed down her face, as anguished cries escaped her mouth. “I’ve ruined everything. My life is one big disappointment!”

I sat beside her, heartbroken and afraid. What can I do? What should I say? These questions raced through my head as my daughter prepared to leave an unhealthy relationship. I waffled between resentment and hopefulness.

I felt satisfied with her determination to acknowledge and respond to the red flags in her relationship. But at that moment, I was certain my heart would break for her vulnerable state. “You are the bravest young woman, I know.” I choked.

I held her tight, willing her to receive some of my strength. God met us there, on the frigid floor. She may not have recognized it, in her pain, but He buoyed me, as my heart sank. I had never experienced this depth of powerlessness with my child. I doubted my skills to handle it well. I was desperate for Godly wisdom.

Oh, how I wanted to rescue and fix her all those months. We had conversations about his behavior and what it meant. Deep down, I resented him, but I simply said, “if you stay, it will be hard.” I could not tell her to leave because it was not my place. She had to realize the complexities of her situation and make her own decision. By the grace of God, she did, as courage welled within her.

Midlife momma, our children will face situations where we will want to fix and rescue. We will want to scream, “Don’t do that!” but in this phase with our kids, we must hold our tongues. This will be the season we cling to God. We will trust Him.

Read More

The Heart Work Required to Release Expectations

/
The Heart Work Required to Release Expectations

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”-Psalm 51:10

The Voice of Shame

I don’t want to face it. I’d rather hide from it, but today I’m smacked with my shame. She cuts with her remarks.

You are a failure!

You couldn’t even pray well enough for your kids!

You really messed it up, mom!

What kind of Christian are you?

I sat in a puddle of tears again, wishing, hoping, praying my child wasn’t walking away from God. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. This isn’t the vision I had for our family.

The Holy Spirit gently whispers in my thoughts, “This isn’t about your child. I hold your child. What I want to talk about today is your heart. Let’s look at why you feel shame. It’s more about you than them.”

Honestly, facing the condition of my heart wasn’t something I wanted to do.

Wouldn't it be easier to focus on how they had let me down?

God graciously revealed areas of pride, judgement, and criticism I had allowed to grow in my heart surrounding this child. He led me to understand my expectations were harming this child. While the enemy wanted to beat me down with shame, the Holy Spirit wanted to grow me. He lovingly revealed how my motives were the things hurting this child. This was the beginning of my letting go and I didn’t experience humiliation nearly as often.

Read More

How To Feel Closer to God Again

/
How To Feel Closer to God Again

“I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.” -Hebrews 13:5

We’ve all felt the longing for more of God, and when the distance between us has widened, it hurts. How is it God is both within us and all around, yet He feels so far off some days? If He never changes and promises His presence with us always then it must be about our proximity and awareness of Him.

About a decade ago, I sat amongst a group of church leaders, dutifully listening to the speaker. The day had gotten long, and I was eager to retreat for the evening. The speaker quoted a prominent national youth leader, and I never forgot the statement.

“If God seems far away, go back to where you left Him.”- Jeannie Mayo

I sat with the statement and mulled it over. It was the first time I truly understood that my connection with God was my responsibility. It wasn’t my church’s, my spouse, or a matter of circumstance. If God seemed far away, I was the one who moved, not Him. All I had to do was simply go back to where I left Him. Does this resonate with you, reader?

Somehow, in the church, we’ve gotten this wrong. We toss God aside as we elevate our service to Him. I’ve noticed most Christian women are content doing things for God instead of being with God. The busyness and service make us justify the distance because we’re doing _________ for God and surely He’s pleased with our service.

Sweet friends, God wants you. He loves you and cherishes being near you. He hopes for life-giving conversations about all the things that matter to you. His love is poured out in the context of relationship and connection. His character is revealed, and His purposes are laid out as you meet with Him. There are things God wants you to know about Him, your life, and your future.

Read More

Vulnerability Leads Us to Deep Connection With God

/
Vulnerability Leads Us to Deep Connection With God

“Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to Him for God is our refuge.” - Psalm 62:8

Honest Prayers

I’m in my usual early morning spot with God, curled up on my pretty orange bird chair. I’m tucked under a blanket with a cup of coffee, my Bible, and my journal. I carry deep sadness today. I had a challenging night with pain. I awake with another headache. It goes up the back of my head and lands on my forehead. It feels like hot coals on the inside. I must have slept weird again. Why or why can’t I train my body to land the right way when I’m sleeping, so I don’t wretch my neck? I try to massage the knots, but they never go away.

I want a good night’s sleep. I want the pain to end. Six years of pain feels unbearable, especially from a car accident that isn’t my fault. A distracted driver rear-ends me, and I’m stuck with endless ache. I still see the two young men laughing as I look in the rearview mirror after impact. Today, it feels like too much to bear.

I don’t talk to God about my pain lately. I have in the past, but His silence and inactivity keep me from bringing it up. It seems like my prayers for relief have bounced off the ceiling for years. But today, I’m weary. I don’t think I can do this anymore.

So, I bravely pour out my frustration with prolonged suffering. I release my anger and sense of abandonment. I voice my contempt as hot tears fall. “Why won’t you rescue me, God? I believe in Your power! I’ve seen You do miracles and yet You do nothing for my pain! I read through the New Testament of Jesus’ miracles and His compassion towards the sick. When is it my turn? When will You turn and be gracious to me? Why God? Why?”

It’s like a release valve is opened as I honestly talk to God about my disappointment.

I sit quietly and catch my breath. Piles of crumpled Kleenex rest on my Bible. Instead of feeling abandoned, I feel relieved. It feels good to get it off my chest. Sweet peace settles over me and I hear God speak.

I hear His gentle voice, “I’m so glad we’re talking about this. I like it when you tell me how you feel. You don’t have to hide a thing from Me. Pour it out. I’m here.”

I’m learning to receive God’s grace in my most vulnerable places. I don’t have to hide my emotional or physical discomfort from Him anymore. I’m taught to trust His ways.

Read More

We Were Created For Loving Union With God

/
We Were Created For Loving Union With God

“My sheep listen to My voice, and I know them and they follow Me; - John 10:27

God’s Reassuring Voice

I reach for my husband’s hand the second after a drunk driver runs the red light and slams into our car. Black smoke is rising from the airbags, and I’m terrified. I want to flee, but all I hear is the sound of impact ringing in my head, and I fear we could be hit again. It’s hardly rational thinking.

My chest hurts, and I’m in shock. We keep reassuring each other we’ll be okay and praising God we can move all our limbs. I can’t stop crying, and I’m shivering uncontrollably as the paramedics load us into separate ambulances.

The chest pain continues, but I can’t tell if it is from within or just a reaction to the accident. I’ve never had a panic attack. I am hooked up to a heart monitor, and my rhythm is normal. I hate being separated from my husband. I need to know that he’s okay.

After being examined by a doctor in the ER, scans are ordered and off I go rolling down the hall. The nurses and technicians are kind, but make fun of all the blankets piled on top of me

I’m transferred to the hard table of the Cat scan machine. I’m surrounded by white plastic and the humming of the machine as it moves my body back and forth. I notice the puffy cloud images tacted to the ceiling tiles like they’re going to somehow make me feel better.

After a few moments, I take a deep breath and feel sublimely calm. Peace descends like a warm blanket, and I hear Papa’s voice. “I’m right here. You’re going to be okay.” Warm tears fall as I’m reassured by God’s comforting voice.

Knowing God is near is a great comfort and a byproduct of union with Him. Loving God is not just about having faith in our Maker or serving Him because we must; our hearts are intertwined and we are tethered. He’s within me and He’s all around. I am held and I can’t escape His presence. My loving union with Him is everything.

We’re Created For Loving Union

We were created for loving union with God. Our union is much more than salvation, dutiful service, performing religious rituals, and attending weekly church services. We can do all these things and still not have union with God.

“Your very being is made to be saturated with the being of God.”- John Eldredge

Read More

God's Heart Towards You Involves Restoration

/
God's Heart Towards You Involves Restoration

“Restore us, O Lord Almighty, make your face shine o us that we may be saved.”-Psalm 80:7

One Heart Restored

It’s a crisp winter morning as we gather to worship on January 5, 1986. Christ’s love is illuminated, and the trajectory of my life is changed forever as I step forward in the church to surrender my heart to Jesus. Tears stream down my face as I’m enveloped in the love and acceptance of God. My joy can’t be contained as the peace I feel is palpable. I’ve been in an unhealthy relationship for a couple of years. My boyfriend is arrogant, self-centered, emotionally detached, and utterly lost. Why do I believe I’m not worthy of being treated better?

I end up in this relationship because I’m a girl who wants to be loved. I ignore the red flags in our relationship. I chase after love my whole life and never find it. I don’t date much in high school. I’m never chosen and walk around with a gaping ache. When I’m nineteen, I meet my boyfriend at a bar. My family never likes him.

Sunday evening I head back to my college town, and when I arrive, I call him to break up. It isn’t a big deal. There is no drama, simply a resolute assurance this is the right thing to do. I then throw up a simple prayer, “God I just want someone who loves you and could he be tall too?” Friends, you don’t know what it’s like to be 5’11”! I think God cares about the details.

Five months later, I start dating an old acquaintance, Bob. He treats me with respect and gentleness. He’s kind and funny. He loves God, and he’s tall. God certainly cares about the things we care about. God’s so personal. Bob has his own spiritual awakening at the same church a month after me. He’s everything I ever wanted in a relationship. We fall in love with God and each other at the same time. We’re blissfully in love. We are engaged six months later and will celebrate our 34th wedding anniversary in the fall. God brings the most beautiful restoration to my life.

As we learn to practice loving union with God it’s helpful to understand His hearts towards you involves restoration. God is our redeemer and restorer. Everything that has been broken, destroyed, lost, or bruised can be rebuilt by Him.

Read More