Embracing the Bittersweet with High School Seniors

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Embracing the Bittersweet with High School Seniors

 “Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” - Philippians 4:6-7

Bittersweet Moments

I watched Rebekah gracefully cross the stage to accept her certificate, confident and composed, as my mind flashed to her four-year-old-self. I saw her in her purple sequined tutu and her first pair of tap shoes, blissfully on stage at her first dance recital.  Her wavy hair was piled on top of her head in a messy bun, with a purple feather hat tipped to the side. She grinned from ear to ear as the music faded up. Her brown eyes sparkled as she danced. 

I remembered the challenging middle school years where girls hurled insults and hurt her tender heart. “Mean Girls” wasn’t just a movie, it was a shocking reality for my young teen. She navigated rejection and learned important lessons about friendship.  

High school brought endless leadership opportunities and growth. And here we were at the end, as our calendar was filled with events.The final Choir Concert, Spring Musical, National Honor Society Banquet, Prom, Student Council Banquet, Speech Banquet. She happily walked through each event while I thought my heart would break in two. 

How would I survive bittersweet moments, tumbling together, one after another? Is this what letting go feels like?

Emotional Swings

Maybe you’ve felt these emotional swoops as high school graduation season is upon us.

Moms will experience immense contradictory emotions as they navigate the end of their children's high school. Know this is normal. This is part of the transition. This is where we feel unsettled and at peace. How is this even possible? You’re not losing your mind; you're just moving through a big moment in your motherhood.

We live in the tension of “big feelings" and confidence in God. We’ll experience abundant joy and deep sorrow. We are stuck longing for the past, but hopeful for the future. We’ll experience regret for our mistakes and pride for the ways we parented well. We will wrestle with doubt and cling to God

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Decoding Parental Estrangement: Understanding the Root Causes

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Decoding Parental Estrangement: Understanding the Root Causes

I’m Done with You!

Jessica struggled with her daughter Lisa for years. Tensions ran high daily. There were endless misunderstandings and miscommunications. They clashed on everything from clothing styles, grades, and her friends. Lisa felt she never pleased her mom. She felt picked on and had a deep sense of resentment.

Jessica pushed hard with extreme discipline, and Lisa pulled farther away. There was no pleasing her mother. When high school rolled around, Lisa just stayed away more. This infuriated her mom. 

College came and Lisa was thrilled to live hours away from her mother’s control. She loved the freedom and didn’t miss the hassle. She felt liberated. Every time her mom called or texted, she ignored her phone. Lisa relished the freedom and the opportunity to believe what she wanted without her mother’s influence over her anymore. 

One day she texted her mom, “Please don’t reach out to me anymore. I’m done with you. Respect my wishes.” Jessica was understandably devastated. The following weeks Jessica felt hopeless, heart sick, and exhausted. “How could this have happened to me?” She wondered. 


What is Parental Estrangement?

Parental estrangement is one of the most devastating issues for moms to face in recent years. Thousands of families are left heartbroken and bewildered. Today I’ll attempt to give a broad overview of a complex topic. 

First off, let’s define parental estrangement.  According to Wikipedia, “It is the loss of a previously existing relationship between family members through physical and/or emotional distancing often to the extent that there is negligible or no communication between the individuals for a prolonged period.”

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From Nostalgic to Now: Empowering Moms to Embrace the Present

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From Nostalgic to Now: Empowering Moms to Embrace the Present

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?” - Isaiah 43:18-19

Shuffling Down Memory Lane

Angela sat crossed-legged on the wood floor surrounded by tattered photo albums of her kids. How many times had she returned to them to reminisce? “Who even uses photo albums anymore?” she wondered.

Memories flooded her mind as she recalled tender, silly moments with her growing children. It was so much easier then. She knew exactly what to do. Even when she questioned her mothering skills, she knew how to find answers. Her local MOPS group was filled with friends and squirrely kids. Moms traded parenting tips like their kids exchanged Pokemon cards. They prayed together and clung to each other. There was so much support. They scoured Parenting magazine and listened to Dr. Dobson's, Focus on the Family. The answers to parenting questions were plentiful back then.

There was a rhythm to life that revolved around feeding, bathing, playing, and bedtime routines with her children. Every season she’d sort through their clothing and assess what new items they needed. Hand Me Downs and garage sale finds were traded between kids. 

Her biggest problems were endless laundry, bickering kids, defiant toddlers, and the need to cook another meal for her hungry crew. Oh, how she wished she could go back in time where she felt assured of her role in this world. Her children adored her, even if they did have moments of tension, she knew how to make it better.


Right Now

Now that her children are grown, life feels more complicated. The stakes are higher. There are bigger obstacles, and she’s supposed to “let go.” How can she honor the past, but not get stuck there?  


Pitfalls of Living in the Past

It’s normal for moms with adult children to get stuck in the past. Nostalgia overwhelms us and we don’t always accept the grownup child in front of us. Truth be told, we’d rather go back to simpler days. Nostalgia has its place. It’s okay to reminisce, as long as we don’t get stuck in some idealized version of the past.   

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Tips for a Stress-Free Holiday with Adult Children

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Tips for a Stress-Free Holiday with Adult Children

Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! - Romans 12:16 NLT

Kids Return to the Nest

”They’re here!” hubby said, as we ran out on the porch, undeterred by the blustery December winds. Bekah and Ryan jumped out of the car and grabbed their frisky puppy, Bea. Bob helped them haul in their luggage while we exchanged hugs on the porch. “Hey Beautiful Girl," I whispered, “It’s so good to have you home.”  Exhausted after their seven hour drive from Missouri, we plopped down on the living room couch to relax. 

Grandsons, Teddy and Gus arrived bright eyed and ready to go with mom and dad in tow. Had they grown another inch? I wondered. Moriah swept in with her cat, Desmond, and the mischief level in the house rose exponentially.  Caleb and Ashia were the last to arrive from Minnesota. We wrapped them in warm hugs.  Forrest and Keziah had a short three hour drive. They schlepped baskets of laundry and bright smiles.

I soaked in the goodness as I surveyed the room. Our kids were all home together, and it was the sweetest feeling: a mixture of nostalgia and pride. They’re all grown. Our work is done and now we connect as friends and peers. Sometimes I’m shocked we’re at this stage already. Wild, busy children gave way to real adults. The transformation is stunning.

“When are you going to buy a sectional mom?” Moriah quips! Every single time the kids come home that’s what they ask.  Sheesh! Yes, our living room is a little cozy for 13 people, but I don’t even care. “Get over it,” I winked, secretly hoping we can get a sectional one day. 

A Stress Free Holiday

How do we manage a household of adult kids who have differing views and perspectives? How do we handle difficult conversations with grace and truly enjoy our time together? How do we make room for apologies and tenderness when tensions rise? How do we handle schedules and meal prep so mom isn’t exhausted?

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This is the Right Way to Set Strong Boundaries

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This is the Right Way to Set Strong Boundaries

Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. - Philippians 4:5 NLT

There is a right and a wrong way to set boundaries. The goal of boundary setting is to help everyone understand who is responsible for what. 

Never start a conversation about boundaries with this phrase,”This is my boundary…!” It is the surest way to offend your adult child because we sound demanding. Implementing boundaries is positive and helpful.

Setting Boundaries is not:

  • control

  • anger

  • rudeness

  • gas lighting

  • manipulation

  • selfish

Remember, the reason for your boundary. It’s so you won’t become burnt out or overwhelmed and so your adult child becomes responsible for themselves. Boundaries aid in understanding your capacity and limits. They’re a tool to foster healthy interdependent relationships with your adult children, but there is a right way to set them. 

First off, we have to establish what we need in the way of boundaries with our adult children. Boundaries are for you and about what you need in a relationship.

There are several types of boundaries:

  • Physical-has to do with personal space and privacy.

  • Emotional-what you will and won’t provide emotionally for your child

  • Financial-focuses on money and how you will or won’t help your adult child financially

  • Intellectual-encompass beliefs and ideas and the respect of your differences.

A boundary only becomes a limit when you have evaluated what you need, communicated with your child about it, then held said boundary. You must do all three parts otherwise it’s just wishful thinking. 

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Exceptional Advice to Triumph with Digital Communication

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Exceptional Advice to Triumph with Digital Communication

Can we talk about cell phones for a hot minute? Goodness, there are so many parameters to consider with our adult children, wouldn’t you agree? We have got you covered with all your digital guidelines!

I recently had Suzy Mighell, Influencer and content creator of the popular blog, Empty Nest Blessed on The Midlife Momma Podcast. Check out episode 60, Finding Your Better Purpose in the Empty Nest, here.

Anyways, she was on the podcast and when we finished recording we had this wonderful conversation about digital communication with our adult children. 

About Suzy

Let me tell you about my online friend, Suzy! She is a ray of sunshine and encouragement. Her Empty Nest Blessed website is a lovely magazine format of fashion, beauty, travel, cooking for two, and parenting adult kids. It’s everything you need to know in the empty nest. She shares oodles of tips and tricks, great finds and heartfelt encouragement. Be sure to check out her website, and follow her on Instagram, and Facebook.


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Back to our conversation…So many moms are filled with questions about how to handle digital communication. We feel compelled to over communicate or maybe we under communicate! If you’re still checking your Life 360 app of your grown child, please delete it today.  Below is our conversation, interview style. We hope you find the tips helpful. Here we go!

WHAT’S A GOOD WAY TO TALK ABOUT DIGITAL COMMUNICATION? WHEN SHOULD I DO IT? HOW DO I KNOW HOW MUCH DIGITAL COMMUNICATION ON MY END IS TOO MUCH? WHAT ARE SOME GOOD RULES OF ENGAGEMENT? HOW DO I HANDLE MY EXPECTATIONS SURROUNDING DIGITAL COMMUNICATION? 

Pamela: Have the conversation when the kids leave home for college, military or the workforce. A simple conversation about communication clears up a lot of things and helps us manage our expectations. I have five kids and we all communicate differently. Some I text with several times a week and others not nearly as much. But I love them all and we feel close to each other. The bottom line is to have clear communication about how you want to communicate when you’re apart. If you’ve failed to talk about this, then now is the perfect time. Clear the air, forgive and start over. You’ll be amazed how much peace you’ll experience moving forward.

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The Heart of Faithfully Trusting Your Powerful God

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The Heart of Faithfully Trusting Your Powerful God

“Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord." Jeremiah 17:7

I’m on the highway again, heading the hour drive to the Twin Cities so I can be with my young husband for another week's stay at the Multiple Sclerosis Center at Fairview Riverside Hospital. There he’ll be pumped full of steroids to tame the inflammation that attacks his nerves, leaving him with a new tremor, spasm, or disability. MS is a beast that will not be tamed.The disease has upended our family in profound ways.

A 90’s song plays on Christian radio. The lyrics go like this: “Life is hard, but God is good.” Tears stream down my cheeks for an hour. I’m by myself, as the three little kids are cared for, so I’m free to let the tears flow. I need to be near my husband. Holy Spirit whispers so gently, as He has everyday since this disease invaded our home, “Do you trust Me?” Through stifled sobs and bitter weeping, I whisper, “Yes, Papa, I do.” 

Those years of struggle were fertile ground where God planted my roots deep in Him. He taught me to trust when my world was completely falling apart. When things only got worse and the doctor recommended my husband be placed in a nursing home, it was preparation for every trial I would face in the future. 

It prepared me for when some of my children rejected God. It enabled me to trust Him no matter what I experienced. It helped me let go of outcomes and trust Papa’s good work on hearts.

I was rewarded for trusting God. He gave me peace, identity, and set me free from fear because I was already living my greatest fear. 

We bristle sometimes when we’re asked to trust God. 

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4 Reasons God is Remarkably Faithful to You

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4 Reasons God is Remarkably Faithful to You

 “Yahweh! The Lord! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations. I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin.” - Exodus 34:6-7a NLT

Tossing and Turning

Julia kicked the covers off, rolled over, and stared at the clock again as frustration grew in her heart. Angrily she thought “Why can’t I sleep???” The orange glow of the digital clock blared 2:30 am back at her as she scuffed because she had tossed and turned for an hour. She knew exactly why she couldn’t sleep. 

She spent an hour thinking about her youngest daughter at college. Fear and worry tumbled through her mind. “What if she gets with the wrong kind of friends? She seems so lonely. What if she dates the wrong guy? What if she makes the wrong choice? Why doesn’t she love God anymore? Where did I go wrong? What if she’s attacked at a party? What if she’s drugged and raped? Goodness that escalated quickly!” she thought. 

Spiraling, she knew she needed to stop. Breathing deep, she whispered, “God, please help me. Give me faith to trust You. Give the ability to understand You are with me and You are my help. Remind me of Your faithfulness. How easily I forget.”

Have you struggled to lean into God’s faithfulness when it comes to your adult child? 

This is often difficult for moms because we’ve always managed their problems. We were the fixers, problem solvers, and rescuers. How do we let go and entrust our children and their problems to our faithful God?

What does it mean when we describe God as faithful?

What do we need to know about the faithfulness of God? 

According to the International Standard Bible Encyclopedia, “Faithfulness is one of the characteristics of God's ethical nature. It denotes the firmness or constancy of God in His relations with men, especially with His people. It is, accordingly, one aspect of God's truth and of His unchangeableness. God is true not only because He is really God in contrast to all that is not God, and because He realizes the idea of Godhead, but also because He is constant or faithful in keeping His promises, and therefore is worthy of trust” 

The Bible reverberates with the faithfulness of God. Each story and chapter is laced with examples of His dependability to His children. Even when God’s family disobeyed and rebelled, He was consistently trustworthy. 

Here is a moment where Moses met with God on the mountain. God spoke through a cloud.  The Lord passed in front of Moses, calling out, “Yahweh! The Lord! The God of compassion and mercy! I am slow to anger and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.I lavish unfailing love to a thousand generations. I forgive iniquity, rebellion, and sin.” - Exodus 34:6-7a

God spoke directly to Moses and what a message it was. He said he was slow to anger, filled with unfailing love, and faithfulness. If God is telling us this Himself, can we not trust Him when He speaks? How can we doubt what He says about Himself? This is proof of His faithfulness, We can settle our hearts on this revelation and rest in peace. 

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Keys to Finding Your Purpose

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Keys to Finding Your Purpose

For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago. - Ephesians 2:10

Get Curious

Having launched our fourth child into college, I was facing an empty nest in a few years. Though I was sad to see this season of active parenting end, I was eager to focus on myself. I was excited to dream. Questions swirled through my mind:

  • What could I do now?  

  • What am I good at? 

  • What have I always wanted to do?

  • What lights me on fire?

Scrolling through Facebook one day I came across an ad for Hope*writers, an online community of writers. The word hope inspired me. I had been journaling for decades, but I had never written publicly. I knew I was good at encouraging others. Isn’t writing simply encouraging others with words? I had a twenty year old dream to write a book. Everytime I spoke at churches or women’s events, people would say, “When are you going to write a book?” I kept saying, “One day I will.” 

I was a Mass Communications/Speech Communication double major in college, so I was passionate about speaking. I feel most alive on stage. I got to thinking, I know absolutely nothing about writing a book: I better learn. I joined Hope*writers with a dream in my heart and a backpack full of fears. I didn’t know anything about writing, and I struggled with technology. Every task felt insurmountable, but I felt this nudge from God to pursue my dream of writing a book and so I began my writing journey.

Now What?

We will all come to the day where we’ll ask ourselves, what do I do now that my kids are grown? What is my purpose in this season of motherhood? We can languish in despair or we can follow the passion inside. We can pursue the activity that lights our hearts on fire. We can dust off our dreams and get busy. 

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Finding Purpose: You Are More Than A Mom

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Finding Purpose: You Are More Than A Mom

 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” - Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

Motherhood Shift

Thoughts rumbled through my brain as child number four left home for college. Doubts, fears, confusion, walking beside, excitement, hope, and anticipation. My role as an active mother was soon to end, once the baby graduated in a year. I couldn’t fathom a life that wasn’t focused on mothering. For nearly three decades, raising our five children was my job. 

I thought about the sleepless nights, the hours of monotonous chores: cooking, cleaning, managing, shuttling them from place to place. I tended to their hearts, walking them through heartache, endless squabbles, and confidence slumps.

I taught them kindness, playfulness, how to work hard, and how to have a relationship with Jesus. I extended oodles of grace and unconditional love. When I messed up, I apologized. I loved being their mom. They were my life, my everything.


I wondered what I would do now. “Surely, I’m more than a mom,” I thought. 

Perhaps like me, you’ve asked yourself the same question. 

There will come a day when we feel the shift. Motherhood was a high calling and we relished it, whether we were stay-at-home moms or juggled parenting with our careers. For decades we poured into our children, and now we face days without them as our roles are changing. Our children are grown and have left us, as they should. It’s the natural progression of parenthood.

But we’re left with so many questions. We feel unsettled and unsure. 

Who are we apart from our motherhood? 

What are we supposed to do now?

What can we do with this one life we’ve been given now that our purpose is shifting?

God in his goodness, does not abandon us. Here’s what He says to the bewildered mom: 

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” - Jeremiah 29:11 NLT

God has a beautiful plan and purpose for this period of motherhood. As we step into a more supportive role, it makes room for us to pursue our passions, interests, and longings. We are satisfied when we pursue the plans God has placed in our hearts.

God is present.

He will guide you. 

Goodness is coming.

Hope springs forth.    

When was the last time you thought about your dreams, or how you would like to spend your days? 

When was the last time you looked inside and addressed your longing? I bet you’ve buried it for so long, you forgot about your yearning.

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4 Ways to Listen Effectively

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4 Ways to Listen Effectively


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“Watch your tongue and keep your mouth shut, and you will stay out of trouble.” - Proverbs 21:23

Distracted

Tension hung in the air as Jackie and her daughter, Melissa fidgeted uncomfortably in the coffee shop booth. Melissa wanted to talk to her mom about her boyfriend, Ben. Melissa squared her shoulders and took a deep breath, fearing what her mom’s reply might be. “Mom, why don’t you like him? You’re not even trying!” she said in disgust. Jackie’s phone buzzed. She reached for it to answer the text. “Just a minute, it’s your dad. He needs to know what time we have to be at the baseball game for you brother,” said Jackie. Melissa rolled her eyes in disgust. “Here we go again, I can’t even have a conversation with her,” thought Melissa as she slumped down in the booth.

“That brother of yours. He’s doing so well on the team this year. When are you going to go to one of his games? He’s amazing! You’re just always hanging out with that boyfriend. You don’t even care about your family anymore, do you?” said Jackie.

Indignant, Melissa insisted, “Mom, back to our conversation about Ben.” Jackie rolled her eyes and said, “Oh, what is there to say about Ben that you haven’t already said?” Jackie interrupted, “You think he’s wonderful, and I just think you could do better.” Defeated and feeling unheard, Melissa sinks into the booth and returns to sipping her latte. “When will she ever listen to me?” Melissa wondered.

Poor Communication

I’ve been this mom, utterly distracted by my phone and made assumptions about what my child was going to say. I wasn’t listening at all. I was rude, unfocused, and insensitive. I’m not proud of myself for it.

The cornerstone of effective communication is the art of listening. We could avoid missteps and misunderstandings if we listened well to our adult children. It’s a complex skill to learn but when we do, it results in deeper understanding and connection with our grown children. Ultimately, we both want to feel heard in any conversation.

We need to remove the attitude that the parent knows all and that the child must receive and adhere to the parents wishes. This is a difficult transition to navigate for most parents who are used to leading this relationship. When we shift to seeing each other as listening equals, this ushers in better conversations.

God cares deeply about this topic and addresses the power of listening many times in His Word. We are admonished to control our tongues by keeping our mouths shut. Less talking and more listening results in understanding and healthier relationships.

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