What Everybody Ought to Know About Feelings

“I have filled him with the Spirit of God, with wisdom, with understanding, with knowledge and with all kinds of skills.” - Exodus 31:3

Here’s a typical scenario from my life. I sit down at the computer to do anything: a little work, read some emails, tinkering on my website, and I’m confronted with a technical issue for which I have no skill. My immediate response, every time is to get frustrated. This anger and impatience rises to the surface, and I scream at the computer or I berate myself. My inner critic screams, “You should know by now. Why are you so stupid.” Can anyone relate? Please tell me I’m not the only ridiculous person screaming at computer screens. Does that seem like an overreaction? Of course it is.

Why do we react? Most often our big feelings come from a place of hurt. Truth is, when I pay attention deep down, I feel stupid. I feel shame for not knowing how to do things. A better way to handle it is to remove all the emotion. In the moment, I could graciously say to my inner critic, “You need to just back away and be quiet. I’m learning how to do this. I’ll get it eventually.” It’s amazing how easy life goes when we remove the emotional drama and manage our feelings.

We have two choices to make when we’re faced with our big feelings. We can stuff them or we can explode and neither is a healthy option. When we stuff or deny our feelings, it creates peace for the moment, but eventually those feelings will come rolling out at a most inopportune time, and you won’t understand why. Stuffing also leads to a myriad of physical ailments. Exploders simply react instantly and usually cause damage with their words or their physical outburst. You get holes in walls, broken dishes, and shattered hearts.

Well known author, Lysa Terkeurst says it best in her book, Made to Crave, “Feelings are indicators, not dictators.” When we feel something, it’s an indicator of a deeper issue. Something is going on inside, and we should pause and pay attention. The feelings don’t have to dictate an unhealthy response.

Here’s helpful ways to manage your feelings:

1. When you feel something big, pay attention. It’s an indicator something deeper needs to be addressed.

2. Before you respond, pause. Ask yourself, “Why am I feeling this way?” It’s likely we respond to the same emotional triggers. Pause and look for a pattern and then dig deeper. You’ve likely felt this before. Anger is easy, but it’s also a secondary emotion. Rumbling right under the surface of anger is usually, hurt, rejection, or shame.

3. Respond instead of reacting. Take the big emotions away and simply respond. This is going to be difficult for a person who is used to reacting, but with time you will be able to do it.

4. Invite the Holy Spirit into the moment. He’s always present. Allow Him to speak truth to your feelings. Allow the truth of the Word to bring clarity to your frayed emotions.

5. Replace the lie with a Truth. For example, the lie I believe when I fail at technology is, I’m stupid. The truth is I have amazing emotional intelligence, but when it comes to technical things, I’m not good at it because I haven’t done it much. So I tell myself, “You can do it. You can learn new things, and it’s going to be OK. Pamela, just be patient and gracious with yourself the way you are with others. You are fearfully and wonderfully made, even if technology is hard for you. God will help you.” Isn’t that better then screaming at a computer screen?

Our job as Believers is to grow in understanding. Not just understanding of God and His ways, but understanding ourselves and why we do what we do. Once we learn to be emotionally healthy, it opens us to the greater things of God because we’re not getting tripped up by our unhealthy ways.

I’ve included a free printable resource to help you pray through your difficult emotions. Just click the graphic, “How to Handle Feelings,” below and it will take you to the Encouragement tab on my blog. Leave for name and email for my free resource.

Tight Spots

“When hard pressed, I cried to the Lord; he brought me into a spacious place.” Psalm 118:5

We were married seven years and had three children under five, when my husband became ill. He woke up from a nap paralyzed. The next two and half years became our training ground for trusting God. Chronic Progressive Multiple Sclerosis was the diagnosis, and he was hospitalized about every six weeks for those years. Our prayers went unanswered and his condition worsened. We were hard pressed, indeed, and it was in this season I spent months crying out to God. I searched His Word for truth and I trusted in what I could not see.

Though our days were full of doctor appointments, medication, and hospital visits, we also had peace. The Lord became my hiding place as I poured out my heart and imagined I was resting in a spacious place with God. A place of peace and no suffering. God strengthen me in those days.

This wasn’t our first trial, as we had experienced the miraculous recovery of our youngest son. I went into preterm labor with him and spent six weeks on bed rest. He was diagnosed with many maladies, yet he was born completely healthy and a whopping nine pounds at 37 weeks gestation. When my husband became ill two months later, I remembered the faithfulness of God and how He rescued our son.

Unrealistic expectations, endless deadlines, relentless pressure, and unanswered prayer leave us feeling trapped. Why is it distress feels tight? We feel suffocated, penned in, up against a wall, with no escape. Fleeing seems like the perfect solution. How do we get out of these tight spots?

The answer is to call upon God. When we take our deepest distress to God, He brings us to a place of freedom. A spacious place where we pass from distress to delight This place where we realize He is mighty and we are small. He is capable, ever present and working on our behalf. He hasn’t abandoned us or asked us to find the solution; He simply wanting us to rely on Him and not our own strength. God wants our trust.

What Everybody Ought to Know About Being Thankful

This is my favorite time of year, Thanksgiving. It’s where we focus not on what we want, but what we have, and we give thanks. There was a season, five years ago, I was feeling discontent, bored, negative, and critical. I was not my usual perky, positive self. I knew something had to change. I was about to begin a small Bible Study in my home with a few friends and we were to study One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I’d heard a lot of buzz about the book, so I checked it out.

I wrote this in my journal the day we started.

“Dear Papa, I’ve felt so frustrated with myself lately. I’m in a major funk and I need to get out of it. Everything feels grey. I started the One Thousand Gifts study today with some friends. It was great to have a living room full of women talking about the things of God. Maybe that’s been my problem. I need to focus more on You and less on myself. I suggested we come up with 1000 gifts by the end of five weeks. 200 a week, 30 per day! (I’m such an overachiever!) Whew, that’s a lot and I’m nervous!! Seeing the gifts You give us helps us see Your love. Seeing You begins with Thanksgiving. I thank you for who You are and all the gifts You give each day. Open my eyes to see them. I’m starting my list today, anxious to see how You will change me. I praise you, Lord.” (Part of my first list is in the photo above.)

I’m happy to report I finished my list in 5 weeks and I’ve continued this practice of writing the gifts. Not all of us met our goal, and one surpassed the goal. However, we were all changed by this discipline. and I remember fondly how my perspective shifted after practicing this act of list making. It takes practice and keen observation to see all the gifts around us. Often i had assumed, when i have something great happen , I would be thankful. It’s actually the complete opposite. It’s the thankful who have joy.

“The real problem of life is never lack of time. The real problem in life-in my life-is lack of thanksgiving.”-Ann Voskamp

There’s something powerful about taking pen to paper, and writing your list. Sure, you can think of things to be thankful for, but it won’t be as meaningful. You might be able to think of ten things quickly. You could say: family, job, God’s love, your kids, but soon you’ll run out of things. The more gifts you add, the more thankful you will feel. I know it seems hard and you’re asking, what do I put on the list? That’s the thing, you have to be very specific. You have to pause and see what God has placed right before you. Perhaps it’s your morning coffee, or the way the sun hits your shiny wood floor? It could be how you felt as you held your hubby’s hand on the couch, or your sweet baby’s laughter. How about something from God’s Word or a character attribute? How about a memory or meaningful conversation? Keep lists everywhere: on your phone, by your night stand, a notebook on the kitchen counter, in your journal. It will feel forced at first, and almost silly, but the more you pause and pay attention, the more gifts you will see around you. Thanksgiving really is a matter of focus or attention. It’s so easy to focus on what’s wrong or what we lack. Could our whole perspective change if we simply opened our eyes to the gifts God has placed in front of us?

When we see the gifts and name them, we see God. Isn’t that what we want? To see Him more, to know He’s near? This discipline of pausing, and making the list will change us. It will enlarge our capacity to see God everywhere and in everything. When the hard days come, it will help us see there is still so much good in our lives.

Being thankful increases our joy, restores our hope and helps us feel closer to God. What if this year you made it a habit? Don’t celebrate one day when you can create a lifestyle of thanksgiving.

I will give thanks to You, O Lord my God, with all my heart, and will glorify Your name forever.” Psalm 86:12

Who Else Wants to Grow in Our Hard Places?

I’m barely a gardener.  I appreciate the beauty of flowers, and I love vegetables and cooking with herbs, but the actual growing of them; not so much.  When people talk about how enjoyable it is to dig in the dirt, I immediately think back to the monster garden we had on the farm. It was not fun! To me, gardening meant work, hot, sweaty, itchy, pokey, work. As an extrovert, I would have preferred being with friends, but there I was stuck, on the farm, in the garden, all alone. (maybe my brothers and Mom were there, but I felt alone.)

Imagine my shock this summer, as I looked under my back step and saw this pretty, little petunia poking up through the rocks.  I didn’t plant it there, nor water it. I did nothing. How did this plant get so lovely in the harsh, unwelcoming environment? It’s as if the seed had the will to persevere, to push through and produce a beautiful plant. He probably would have preferred the flower box on the deck, with visits from my watering can.  That never happened, and yet he grew. I felt the Spirit whisper, “beautiful things will grow in your hard places too.”

Aren’t we like this little petunia when we face hard places in our lives?  We wonder how did we get here. We’d much rather be in a safe, secure, spot where we know what’s  expected and we’ll be attended to each day. Yet, it’s in these harsh places, we grow the most.

I reminded of a passage in Psalms.  It’s speaks of God causing growth in the earth, but I believe it applies to us as well.

You water it’s furrows abundantly,

You settle it ridges,

You soften it with showers,

You bless its growth                      Psalm 65:10

God desires to grow something beautiful in us, even in a harsh environment.  This Psalm speaks of Gods attentive, watchful eye. He sees us, even in the difficult season. More than just seeing us, He’s growing us.  He’s growing our faith and vision. He’s helping us to see His might, His wisdom, His goodness. We mistakenly assume we’re doing something wrong when life gets hard.  We perceive the blessing to be removed, when actually, God is creating something beautiful in you. He’s growing your character, He’s revealing more of Himself, as you move closer to Him.  

Don’t despise your hard places, for God is surely growing something beautiful in you.