Dealing with Parental Estrangement: a Guide for Moms
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“Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”- Romans 12:18
Two Broken Hearts
Parental estrangement is on the rise and it devastates families. Communication breaks down and it’s easier for the child to slip away. Mom is left heartbroken with no understanding of why the child has cut her out. Two people who once loved each other are now separated. It doesn’t have to be this way.
There are steps a mom can take to improve her relationship with her estranged child and care for herself at the same time. This will require humility, compassion, empathy, and reliance on God. Please note, if the child is toxic or abusive, mom needs strong boundaries.
Both mom and her child are hurting deeply or the estrangement wouldn’t have happened. It would be easy for mom to nurse her wounds, but reconciliation requires her to step into her child’s world and understand her offspring’s perspective. Simultaneously, mom must be diligent to care for herself. There needs to be a delicate balance of compassion for her child and herself.
God’s Perspective on Estrangement
What is God’s perspective on estrangement? I imagine it breaks His heart. God created us for a relationship with Him, first, then it trickles to our family and friends. Unfortunately, God understands our tendency towards selfishness, disagreement, and willfulness.
In conflict, we want there to be a right and a wrong party, but both mother and adult child suffer when a relationship is severed. Paul writes to the church in Roman with the understanding that relationships are difficult. He admonishes the Believers in Romans 12:18, “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.”
When a family is fractured, it feels impossible to overcome the rift. Peace is replaced by assumptions, bitterness, and fear. Walls are erected and lines drawn. Resistance, rebellion, and stubbornness rule the day, as healthy communication halts.
But with God all things are possible as we learn to live peaceably with our adult child. This means we have honest, tender conversations, where humility, understanding, and empathy prevail.
Here are some guidelines to consider:
1. Manage your pride.
You are not responsible for your child’s actions, but you are responsible for yours. We know many conflicts are rooted in pride and the first step is to get curious and see if your egotism plays into the family dynamic. We find this truth in Proverbs 13:10 “Where there is strife, there is pride, but wisdom is found in those who take advice.”
Estranged daughter, Julie Plagens, author of Estranged: Finding Hope When Your Family Falls Apart, interviewed her mom, and she said this: “Pride was manifest over time. Everyone thought his point of view was the right piece of the puzzle. Julie once commented that there was a generational difference in how we handled the conflict. The younger generation said, ‘I don’t have to put up with this!’ And the older generation said, ‘How dare you!’” Sounds a lot like pride, doesn’t it?
The hard truth is, momma, you must lay down your pride if you want reconciliation with your child.
2. Write a letter of amends.
This letter is simply a way to open communication once all contact has ceased. This requires an incredible dose of humility and courage. You’ll want to discern when it is God’s perfect timing to write it. Psychologist and author of, Rules of Estrangement, Dr. Joshua Colemen recommends this script:
“Dear Son/Daughter, I’m writing to see if it’s possible to open up a dialogue with you. I know that you wouldn’t have this time apart from me if it wasn’t the healthiest thing for you to do. With that being said, I don’t completely understand why you cut off ties with me.
It’s clear I have significant blind spots in either how I raised you or things I’ve done while you're an adult and I’m writing to have better understanding. Would you feel comfortable letting me know? I promise to read it from the perspective of listening and learning and not in any way to defend myself. Love, Mom”
Let’s break it down. You may not believe cutting ties was the healthiest thing for your child to do but you need to understand your child didn’t know what else to do to cope with the stress. Next, you must be willing to admit the blind spots you had with your child. You want to understand your child’s perspective because theirs is very different from yours.
Lastly the only way you can understand is to truly listen and not defend. Your job is to offer empathy, compassion, and truly hear their perspective. There is no defending yourself or your experience. This will require self-control. Do not write the letter of amends until you are completely ready to listen to your child and not defend yourself or you’ll drive the wedge deeper.
3. Care for yourself well.
You likely feel deeply hurt, ashamed, embarrassed, and mistreated by your child. Perhaps you question God and are plagued with guilt. These are all normal responses and the best thing you can do is care for yourself mentally, emotionally, and physically.
Seek professional help from a counselor. You need an outlet to express the heartache you feel. Mostly likely your husband or friends won’t have the expertise you need to get through these challenging emotions.These sessions will not be used to “bash” your child, but to help you understand yourself. This is the season to work on yourself and build self awareness.
4. Maintain your connection to God.
When a crisis arrives we have two options. We can become embittered with God or we can cling to Him as a lifeline that will pull us through a trial. God loves both you and your child. You’ll need to partner with Him for there to be reconcilliation. You will need the wisdom, guidance, compassion, and conviction of the Holy Spirit to weather this struggle.
You’ll need to wash your thoughts with the truth from God’s Word and understand your identity as beloved, chosen, forgiven and redeemed. You will need to trust God in the waiting, even when you don’t see change, you must allow God to grow your faith in Him.
As you allow God to bring clarity, healing, and repentance, you’ll be able to own your part in the relational fissure. Not all estrangements end well especially if mom refuses to humble herself or the child is toxic or abusive. But with God on your side, you can manage yourself better through this difficult situation. Hopefully bitterness gives way to compassion towards your child, as you desire to understand their perspective and find a healthy way to connect again.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, I understand my child is hurting and so am I. Give me the courage, strength and humility to ask You to search my heart and point out where I’ve been prideful. Change me, renew me, and give me another chance. I want to listen to my child’s perspective. I want to truly understand. Do a work in me, I pray. I lay down my pride, selfishness, and stubbornness. Give me a tender heart and the ability to hear Your will. Open a door that we can walk through together to find restoration with my adult child. Amen.
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