Decoding Parental Estrangement: Understanding the Root Causes
/
I’m Done with You!
Jessica struggled with her daughter Lisa for years. Tensions ran high daily. There were endless misunderstandings and miscommunications. They clashed on everything from clothing styles, grades, and her friends. Lisa felt she never pleased her mom. She felt picked on and had a deep sense of resentment.
Jessica pushed hard with extreme discipline, and Lisa pulled farther away. There was no pleasing her mother. When high school rolled around, Lisa just stayed away more. This infuriated her mom.
College came and Lisa was thrilled to live hours away from her mother’s control. She loved the freedom and didn’t miss the hassle. She felt liberated. Every time her mom called or texted, she ignored her phone. Lisa relished the freedom and the opportunity to believe what she wanted without her mother’s influence over her anymore.
One day she texted her mom, “Please don’t reach out to me anymore. I’m done with you. Respect my wishes.” Jessica was understandably devastated. The following weeks Jessica felt hopeless, heart sick, and exhausted. “How could this have happened to me?” She wondered.
What is Parental Estrangement?
Parental estrangement is one of the most devastating issues for moms to face in recent years. Thousands of families are left heartbroken and bewildered. Today I’ll attempt to give a broad overview of a complex topic.
First off, let’s define parental estrangement. According to Wikipedia, “It is the loss of a previously existing relationship between family members through physical and/or emotional distancing often to the extent that there is negligible or no communication between the individuals for a prolonged period.”
Experts say it is definitely on the rise as young people want to find freedom from familial stressors. They would rather walk away than deal with the hassle.
Nothing is as disorienting for a mom. Heartbreak and shame are left in its wake. When all communication is cut off, how can you make amends? Does the child even want it? Is estrangement a cry for help from a child who doesn’t know what to do?
Jim Daly, President of Focus on the Family, said, “Our counseling center receives more calls on the topic of family estrangement than any other.”
Psychologist Dr. Joshua Coleman has studied the topic extensively and he said, “Our culture is less family oriented than it used to be, and our young adults value happiness and autonomy. If the relationship with the parent is stressful, they will rather walk away.”
In a recent interview, Author of Estranged: Finding Hope When Your Family Falls Apart, Julie Plagens, said her estrangement from her parents was the result of not being able to handle conflict in her family. She felt trapped in pleasing her parents and her husband. The stress was making her severely ill so she severed ties. She added there was a high level of control from her parents.
No child sets out to cut off ties completely with his/ her parents. It’s a complex issue, but researchers are learning there are some common denominators. These adult children feel frustrated and overwhelmed by a deep hurt and cutting off contact seems easier than handling a conflict or the pain. Honestly, some of them are tired of the parental friction.
Every story is different. Every situation is complex, but there are some common pathways to estrangement according to Dr. Joshua Coleman, author of Rules of Estrangement.
Coleman’s Pathways to estrangement:
1. Difficult daughter or son-in-law
Coleman explains, “When the adult child marries and there’s conflict between the son-in-law and daughter-in-law, it is easier for estrangement to occur. The son-in-law or daughter-in-law becomes a gatekeeper to the parents’ access to their adult child or the grandchildren.
2. Mental illness, addiction, or abuse
When abuse is present, it makes sense and is healthy for the child not to be harmed. It’s always wise to distance yourself from addiction or parental mental illness until the parent is well, and it’s safe to return.
3. The child has a therapist
Coleman said, “The other thing is the role of psychotherapy. Younger generations look at family life as optional. More importantly, [family life] has to occur on a platform of growth and happiness and personal development. So part of the conflict is that the parents are often looking through the lens of respect and obligation and duty, and the adult child is looking at the relationship and saying it has to be a healthy, meaningful relationship. And those are very different moral frameworks.”
Psychotherapists are typically more aligned with the personal growth model, which says you shouldn’t have toxic people in your life, including your parents. So it can be an act of growth and strength to cut out your parents and the like. That’s a really common source that isn’t really as well understood.
4. Divorce
There can be lingering ramifications of divorce. Perhaps the child feels abandoned or rejected if a parent remarries and has more children. The child can also be negatively impacted by the way a parent speaks of the ex spouse.
5. Feeling too close to the parent
In the era of helicopter parenting, many adult kids just want to experience some autonomy from their parents, but because their parents hover too much, adult kids feel their only solution is to cut off ties.
6. Disagreement about choices, values, and lifestyles
Any disagreement about lifestyle choice, religion, values, or politics can cause a child to sever relationships with their family. Coleman said, “There has been an uptick in estrangement just because of the hostile political environment of the past years.”
Now that we know what causes estrangement, what hope is there for reconciliation?
Hope for Reconciliation
Dr Joshua Coleman said in a 2021 article, Why Rifts Happen and How Families Can Heal:
Not every family is capable of reconciliation. Both parties have to be able and willing and desirous to have that happen.
The child has to see their parents in a more three-dimensional way rather than just through the eyes of their own hurt and to be open to forgiving them for those hurts. To be able to communicate their complaints in a way that isn’t inherently shaming and humiliating of the parent. And for the adult child to have some measure of self-reflection.
But sometimes the parent isn’t able to do it. They’re not willing to make amends, apologize, take responsibility, or show care and concern. The adult child may need to blame the parent for how their lives turned out because they feel so defective and it helps them to not feel like it’s their fault. They may be married to somebody who’s a gatekeeper to the relationship, and that person makes them pay too high a psychological price for staying in contact with a parent. Their own mental illness, or addictions may make it hard for them to know how to navigate the normal slings and arrows of childhood.
For reconciliation to work you need time and willingness from both parent and child. Every situation is different; every family unique. The tension likely spanned years and the healing can take several years too.
The best thing a mom can do in this place is look inside and get curious. Ask God to reveal the ways you’ve contributed to the relational demise. This is not about blame, and I’m not saying it’s all your fault. I’m saying you need to be humble before God. Moms need to lead in the restoration of the relationship. As He gently makes you aware of the ways you’ve contributed then you can try to move back into a relationship with your child..
Come back next time as we talk about self-care for the estranged mom.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, my heart aches for my child who has cut me off. Give me awareness and help me be humble before You. I want to understand the ways I may have contributed to the relational breakdown. I want to understand and play my part in making amends. Help my child be willing to hear from me. Amen.
Still struggling?
Grab my free guide, Your Kids Are Grown….Now What? It’s a four page guide to help you understand the three different phases of midlife motherhood. You’ll move from the Empty-Feeling mom, to the Questioning Mom to the Celebratory mom. The guide will help you see what to expect next.
Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.
