Exceptional Advice to Triumph with Digital Communication
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Pamela Henkelman-Life coach for midlife moms
Can we talk about cell phones for a hot minute? Goodness, there are so many parameters to consider with our adult children, wouldn’t you agree? We have got you covered with all your digital guidelines!
I recently had Suzy Mighell, Influencer and content creator of the popular blog, Empty Nest Blessed on The Midlife Momma Podcast. Check out episode 60, Finding Your Better Purpose in the Empty Nest, here.
Anyways, she was on the podcast and when we finished recording we had this wonderful conversation about digital communication with our adult children.
About Suzy
Let me tell you about my online friend, Suzy! She is a ray of sunshine and encouragement. Her Empty Nest Blessed website is a lovely magazine format of fashion, beauty, travel, cooking for two, and parenting adult kids. It’s everything you need to know in the empty nest. She shares oodles of tips and tricks, great finds and heartfelt encouragement. Be sure to check out her website, and follow her on Instagram, and Facebook.
Suzy mighell of empty nest blessed
Back to our conversation…So many moms are filled with questions about how to handle digital communication. We feel compelled to over communicate or maybe we under communicate! If you’re still checking your Life 360 app of your grown child, please delete it today. Below is our conversation, interview style. We hope you find the tips helpful. Here we go!
What’s a good way to talk about digital communication? When should I do it? How do I know how much digital communication on my end is too much? What are some good rules of engagement? How do I handle my expectations surrounding digital communication?
Pamela: Have the conversation when the kids leave home for college, military or the workforce. A simple conversation about communication clears up a lot of things and helps us manage our expectations. I have five kids and we all communicate differently. Some I text with several times a week and others not nearly as much. But I love them all and we feel close to each other. The bottom line is to have clear communication about how you want to communicate when you’re apart. If you’ve failed to talk about this, then now is the perfect time. Clear the air, forgive and start over. You’ll be amazed how much peace you’ll experience moving forward.
Suzy:
Fabulous advice, and I love that you talked about forgiveness! Asking our kids’ forgiveness goes a long way with them!
I absolutely think the best time to have a discussion about this is before your child leaves for college! We told our kids that we didn’t want to invade their space and we respected the fact that they were working to differentiate and become their own people, without us watching too closely. I think they appreciated the fact that we tried to put ourselves in their shoes and put their needs first, rather than making it all about our emotions and expectations for them! We asked for mutual respect and understanding and acknowledged the fact that they were going through a big adjustment being away from home, and we were also going through a big adjustment having them away from home too!
If you missed that pre-college time frame, it’s not too late to have a conversation about it! I think the most important thing to remember is to consider others more important than yourself. (Phil. 2:3-11). You want to honor your adult kids and show thoughtfulness and consideration in all of your interactions with them!
Pamela:
Suzy, that’s right. When we interact with our adult children from a posture of humility, it is always received well. When we step back from being right and simply say, “I’m sorry” it restores our bond.
Okay or Not Okay
Is it okay to use the Life360 app to keep track of my college students whereabouts (for safety purposes, of course)?
Suzy:
I would not recommend using any type of location tracking to keep up with your students’ whereabouts in a long-term situation. They are adults, and it’s just too invasive. In the short term, however, I do think there’s a time and place to use location sharing! For example, our 26-year-old daughter shares her location for Uber rides with us, for safety reasons. (You can do that right in the Uber app.) I share my location with my husband when I’m in an Uber alone too!
Pamela:
I agree, Suzy, we can use it in the short term, only for safety reasons. It’s rude and inappropriate to check on your adult child’s location. No adult child wants to feel like their parent is keeping tabs on them. It feels childish. You need to be content with not knowing what they’re up to. They will tell you what they want you to know. If you are stuck in this habit, it would be helpful for the relationship if you stopped. We want our relationship with our grown kids to be built on mutual trust and respect.
When I call my kids, they think someone died! Should I text them to ask permission to call or Facetime?
Suzy:
I think texting to ask permission or schedule a call or FaceTime is an honoring and thoughtful thing to do. It sends a message that their schedule is something you respect, and ensures that you will get their full attention when you do talk. If you’re calling for a specific reason or to discuss something in particular, I also suggest that you tell them what you’re calling about and/or how much time you think it will take. This shows respect for their time. Ideally, they should be doing this to you as well, which shows respect for the fact that you’re leading a full and purposeful life as well!
Pamela:
I couldn’t agree more, Suzy! Anytime you lead with respect you’re doing it right, momma. Clear communication helps us release expectations and can prevent future conflicts.
Healthy Back & Forth
Why don’t my kids ever reach out to me? It’s like they don’t need me. What should I do?
Suzy:
Remember that the goal of your parenting was to get to a place of friendship with your kids, where they value you as a voice of encouragement, and perhaps even wise counsel in their lives. You have to be intentional about cultivating this, as it won’t come naturally and you don’t want to go into default parenting mode and start offering unsolicited advice or opinions. As adults, they may not need you, but hopefully they do want you! Be the winsome, warm, and positive person that they want to welcome into their lives.
Pamela:
Great point! We need to pivot in our role. We move from training and directing to supporting and affirming. This is the season of less talking and more listening. Empathy goes a long way. We want to encourage their independence so you have the freedom to pursue your interests.
My kids get annoyed if I can’t talk to them immediately. How do I handle that? I never initiate contact with my kids, but wait for them to initiate first. Is that a good idea or not?
Suzy:
Mothering is a sacred calling and a precious privilege, but if you’re an empty nester, your life doesn’t revolve around your children now! As an empty nester, you need to keep learning and growing as your own person. (Just like your kids need to!) You need to stay curious, flee the fear that can sometimes come with learning new things and stepping into a new season, and press forward with what you feel called to do at this stage of your life.
Just like you’re adjusting to seeing your kids as their own people apart from their identity as your children, they need to adjust to seeing you as your own person apart from your identity as their parent. We told our kids that we were working to view them differently and that we asked that they would do the same for us. We aren’t always available when they want to talk, and they need to be respectful of that, just like they want us to be respectful of them and their schedules.
Pamela:
Boundaries are important in this season of parenting. We no longer need to be at our child’s beck and call. If they reach out and you’re not available, simply say,” I’m busy now, can we connect later?” and give them a few options that work.
Suzy: Boundaries!!!! 🙌
Texting
How often should I text my adult children? What’s a reasonable time frame for them to respond. (I get so hurt when they ignore my texts.) Should I not text my kids at all and instead just wait for them to contact me?
Pamela-
Guard against being offended by your child’s behavior. They’re young adults living their busy lives. They're not thinking about you as much as you are thinking about them. Generosity, kindness and tenderness are better than offense and bitterness. Be gracious and be grateful your child is building a life apart from you. Then you go out and do something you love!
Suzy:
I love the reminder that they’re not thinking about you as much as you’re thinking about them. OUCH! …but so true.
Rather than being guided by assumptions and expectations, I would let thoughtfulness, honor and respect for your adult kids be your guide. When it comes to texts, treat them the way you want to be treated, and do your best to give them the benefit of the doubt when it comes to returning your texts.
I would also consider how they’re responding to your texts! For example, if your kids are responding to your frequent texts with one word answers, you may want to pull back on how often you’re texting them. I also think you don’t want to make yourself too available! If you’re busy and not able to answer their texts immediately, that’s totally fine. I usually try to read them and respond at a time that works for me. It might be immediate, and it might not!
I would be careful about not texting at all and always waiting for them to initiate, because silence is very easy to misinterpret, and misinterpretation is the last thing you want! If you never text them or reach out, they may think you don’t care! I suggest that you keep our communication two-way and that you work to ensure that some of your digital communication is light and fun – like sending cute memes, photos of family or telling them funny stories about what Grandma said last weekend, etc. Remember, with adult children, you’re transitioning into friendship, so a good rule of thumb is to treat them they way you’d treat a good friend. (Be a good listener, don’t give unsolicited advice, laugh at the funny things they share, etc.)
Social Media
Should I respond to my adult kids' social media posts? Is that annoying or embarrassing to them?
What about talking about them on social media. Should I ask permission first?
Pamela:
Ask first and use restraint. It’s the right thing to do. Less is more! You won’t always agree with your child’s opinion on social media. We don’t have to respond or agree or comment on everything they put out. It’s better to have face to face conversations about difficult topics than on social media, or perhaps it's better to keep your mouth shut and pray more. It’s okay to scroll right on by your child’s social media post. Creating a little distance is a healthy response. We don’t have to fix our kids or change our kids. We’re called to love them and pray for the Holy Spirit to move on their hearts.
Suzy:
I agree with Pamela! Personally, I don’t want the relationships I have with my kids to play out on social media, so I usually limit myself to liking their posts without commenting. If I do comment, I keep it short and sweet. (Maybe even just an emoji like 🙌 or 🎉.) The last thing I want to do is embarrass them, so I don’t do social media birthday posts with their baby pictures or a slide show of their lives, etc! If I want to tell them Happy Birthday, I’d rather keep it private within our family group text or a personal text just to them.
And, yes! ALWAYS, always, always ask permission before posting a photo or anything about them on social media. It shows respect for them as adults! If they say no, honor that with a good attitude and with deference to their wishes.
Aren’t you thankful for this insightful conversation I had with Suzy? I learned a few things too. I know this is going to be very helpful to you. It’s never too late to make some changes with your digital communication. Your kids will appreciate it. Which tips are you going to try first, momma?
Are you still struggling with what to expect from your grown kids?
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