How People-Pleasing Adds To Our Weariness
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“I have loved you with an everlasting love. With unfailing love I have drawn you to myself.”-Jeremiah 31:3
In the Rest Over Weariness Series, we’ll spend the month of June addressing people-pleasing. It’s often the root of our exhaustion. First, let’s talk about how to identify it.
She Can’t Say No
Amanda slumps at her desk. Her shoulders hang low and her countenance reflects her frustration. She’s exhausted from her constant activity. Everywhere she turns people are asking things of her. Her aging mom needs her to take her to the store. Elizabeth, from church, can’t lead the outreach anymore and has asked Amanda to take her place. Amanda tried to say no but Elizabeth was very convincing. Besides if she said no, then Elizabeth would have a negative view of her or worse yet, she’d have to face God being disappointed in her. After all, aren’t we supposed to serve if we love God?
Her husband is late at the office again leaving Amanda to shuffle the kids about and get dinner ready on her own. The plates are left on the table, the kitchen counters are overrun with the mess of cooking dinner, and off the kids go to their rooms. Why did she agree to make the costumes for her daughter's second grade play?
She sits in silence overwhelmed and defeated. There’s no time for rest. There’s no way she can finish all the tasks she’s committed too. It’s been like this for years, and she’s certain she’ll die an angry, unappreciated, empty woman.
“If only I didn’t care so much what everyone thought of me. Why can’t I say no?” she ponders.
Are You A People-Pleaser?
Often the cause of our exhaustion is our propensity to people-please. We don’t want to let anyone down. We don’t want to inconvenience or hurt anyone’s feelings, so we push ourselves to look good in front of others, but we’re left burdened and overwhelmed.
At the heart of the issue most people-pleasers believe that saying “yes” to everyone will increase their self-worth. They want to feel valued and loved and erroneously believe their behavior of saying yes to everything will help them feel better about themselves. Ultimately, it leads to emotional and physical weariness.
The first step to combat people-pleasing is to become self-aware. Many of us have struggled with this for years, and we understand the dynamic, although we don’t know how to change. Recognizing the signs and calling it what it is, is the first step to wholeness.
According to Psychology Today here are a few signs you’re a people-pleaser:
You pretend to agree with everyone. You struggle to give your opinion, afraid people won’t like you, so you become a chameleon blending in with whomever you're with.
You feel responsible for other’s feelings. You are over aware of others feelings and take ownership of their feelings while ignoring your own.
You apologize often. You think you’ve messed up often and apologize for things that aren't your responsibility.
You feel burdened by the things you have to do. You carry the weight of your yes because you're often overextended. There’s not enough time in your day to do all the things you’ve committed to.
You can’t say no. You hate this word and view it as an affront to everyone. The thought of saying it makes you squirm.
You feel uncomfortable if someone is angry at you. You can’t bear the thought of someone being angry so you’ll do anything to appease them to keep the peace in your relationship.
In the coming weeks, we’ll talk about Christ's role in reconciling us to God, and how we don’t need to fear rejection anymore. At the root of people-pleasing is a fear of rejection.
The greatest news for a daughter of God is she is not rejected. On the contrary, she is completely accepted and loved, not because she says “yes,” but because of what Christ has accomplished for her.
Let’s not lose hope, Dear Ones. This week let’s focus on being self-aware and noticing when and why we say “yes.”
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, You know I struggle with saying “no” to people. I don’t want to hurt their feelings or let them down. Help me see my destructive pattern is the root of my weariness. Open my eyes to see the condition of my heart. Help me become aware of this pattern. I’m ready to make some changes. Amen.
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