How to Manage Your Grief When Your Child Leaves
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“Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you. And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.” -Isaiah 30:18
College Drop Off
The sadness lingered below the surface as I gazed in the rearview mirror. Moriah’s warm amber eyes looked back at me as the wintry landscape was reflected in the car window. Oh, how I would miss those eyes and seeing her cuddled up on the couch with another novel. Who would instigate sibling teasing now? She was the mischievous one in our family.
We headed to the city from our rural community to drop off our daughter at college. She graduated high school a semester early, then started college that January. “Was this even a good idea,” I wondered? Is she too young? I’m not ready to let her go. I flung a silent prayer to heaven. “Lord, help me be brave for her today.”
I plastered on my bright smile as we schlepped boxes up the stairs of the dorm, while young students and eager family members drifted through the halls. Excitement commingled with grief. I dreaded the thought of saying goodbye. With each load, I knew the inevitable would happen. I’d drive away from this pristine campus, nestled in the city, and leave a little bit of my heart behind.
The Great Transition
As we endeavor to release our adult child as they enter college, we will be faced with a mixed bag of feelings. In one way we’re proud of our child's accomplishments and excited to see them experience college, but we’re also sad that we won’t see them every day.
We are facing one of the greatest transitions of our motherhood. It’s equally as daunting as when we first became a moms. Understand it’s okay to feel a mixed bag of jubilation and sadness. This is normal, and we serve a God who waits to comforts us through this transition.
Isaiah the prophet spoke these healing words to the Israelites: “Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you, And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.” - Isaiah 30:18
This exemplifies the character of God who is moved to have compassion on you as you walk through this situational grief. You’re not left alone in your sadness.You have permission to grieve as you sit with God and allow Him to comfort and care for you.
Life Transitions
According to Psychotherapist, Richard B. Joelson, “A life transition can be expected or unexpected. But every one affects us. They cause anxiety as we move from the familiar to something new.” We are required to adapt and change; most are accompanied by grief.
Examples of Life Transition:
Death
Move
New job
New baby
New home
Moving to college
Relocating for work
Divorce
Getting married
Joelson, explains there are stages of life transitions that we will go through when we bring our emerging adult to college.
“Successfully moving through a life transition usually means experiencing the following stages:
Experience a range of negative feelings (anger, anxiety, confusion, numbness, and self-doubt)
Feel a loss of self-esteem
Begin to accept the change
Acknowledge that you need to let go of the past and accept the future
Begin to feel hopeful about the future
Feel increased self-esteem
Develop an optimistic view of the future
The process of moving through a transition does not always proceed in order, in these nice, predictable stages. People usually move through the process in different ways, often cycling back and forth among the stages.”
Your goal in this season is to be gracious with yourself. Here are four ways to maneuver the transition well:
1. Allow yourself to cry.
There is an emotional release when you cry and this is good. It’s healthy for you to honestly face your loss. Instead of bottling up your feelings, express them in a safe manner. If you are stuck in sadness, seek counsel.
2. Understanding grief won’t last.
This grief is situational and caused by the monumental transition of your child leaving home. It’s a temporary grief. When you know this won’t last forever you can take the brave steps to express your grief. Feel the pain. Lean into it. The quicker you take the step, the easier it will be to accept the transition. Allow yourself to move through the stages of transition.
3. Talk openly about your loss.
Healing comes quicker when we express what’s inside. Have honest conversations with your husband, kids, and friends. One child leaving certainly impacts your family dynamic. Make room for all family members to express their grief too. Reach out to other moms who are managing the same transition.
4. Cling to God instead of your child.
Your thoughts will return to your child often. When grief seeks to overwhelm you, this is your cue to sit with God. Allow His love to minister to your pain. This season will require a new level of trust in God. Your faith will grow if you pay attention to what God wants to teach you in this season. Release your child, and cling to God and you will have much peace.
Launching your child to college is a monumental step in your motherhood. This was always God’s plan. As you sort through the mixed feelings of jubilation and sadness, know you serve a compassionate King who longs to help you through this transition. When you make room to express your sadness, you will be made whole.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, Thank You for being a compassionate God who longs to hold me in my grief. Show me how to express my grief in a healthy way and not get trapped in my sadness. Grow my faith as I cling to You and learn to release my adult child into Your care. Help me understand this grief won’t last forever. Amen.
Still struggling?
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