Decoding Parental Estrangement: Understanding the Root Causes

/
Decoding Parental Estrangement: Understanding the Root Causes

I’m Done with You!

Jessica struggled with her daughter Lisa for years. Tensions ran high daily. There were endless misunderstandings and miscommunications. They clashed on everything from clothing styles, grades, and her friends. Lisa felt she never pleased her mom. She felt picked on and had a deep sense of resentment.

Jessica pushed hard with extreme discipline, and Lisa pulled farther away. There was no pleasing her mother. When high school rolled around, Lisa just stayed away more. This infuriated her mom. 

College came and Lisa was thrilled to live hours away from her mother’s control. She loved the freedom and didn’t miss the hassle. She felt liberated. Every time her mom called or texted, she ignored her phone. Lisa relished the freedom and the opportunity to believe what she wanted without her mother’s influence over her anymore. 

One day she texted her mom, “Please don’t reach out to me anymore. I’m done with you. Respect my wishes.” Jessica was understandably devastated. The following weeks Jessica felt hopeless, heart sick, and exhausted. “How could this have happened to me?” She wondered. 


What is Parental Estrangement?

Parental estrangement is one of the most devastating issues for moms to face in recent years. Thousands of families are left heartbroken and bewildered. Today I’ll attempt to give a broad overview of a complex topic. 

First off, let’s define parental estrangement.  According to Wikipedia, “It is the loss of a previously existing relationship between family members through physical and/or emotional distancing often to the extent that there is negligible or no communication between the individuals for a prolonged period.”

Read More

Embracing Now: Nurturing Peace for Worrier Moms

/
Embracing Now: Nurturing Peace for Worrier Moms

Runaway Thoughts

As I loaded the dishwasher, worry clung to me like a staticky silk skirt. Soon Rebekah would drive seven hours from Evangel University, in Springfield, Missouri, to our home in Iowa. “Was it even a good idea for a single young woman to travel across the country alone?”, I wondered. My imagination ran wild as I envisioned car trouble, or worse, an attack at a gas station, or a horrific car accident. I’d be so far away, it would take forever for me to get to her. 

Anxiety mounted in my chest. Every scenario I played out in my mind had a deadly ending. I shook my head back to the present, astonished how far I had let my imagination wander. Shame enveloped me. It was ridiculous and so unbecoming of the woman of God I was. Why did I have such a small view of God in those moments? Why had I let worry run free in my mind?  

Worry and Fear

We get lost in worry for the future, don’t we momma? Peace is swept away as anxiety grows in our hearts and minds. What’s a momma to do?

There are two things that keep us from the present with our adult children: worry and fear. Oh, how easy it is for moms to jump ahead and fear the unknown future. These negative forces take root in our thoughts as we predict events that haven’t even happened. We’re consumed with “what ifs.” We are robbed of our peace and joy. 

Julie LeFebure, author of, Right Now Matters, said, “The future becomes a distraction when we allow fear and worry to fill it.” Do we realize our worry is a distraction? The enemy designed it so it would make us take our eyes off God. We get focused in unseen places and we completely miss God.  

Read More

Tips for a Stress-Free Holiday with Adult Children

/
Tips for a Stress-Free Holiday with Adult Children

Live in harmony with each other. Don’t be too proud to enjoy the company of ordinary people. And don’t think you know it all! - Romans 12:16 NLT

Kids Return to the Nest

”They’re here!” hubby said, as we ran out on the porch, undeterred by the blustery December winds. Bekah and Ryan jumped out of the car and grabbed their frisky puppy, Bea. Bob helped them haul in their luggage while we exchanged hugs on the porch. “Hey Beautiful Girl," I whispered, “It’s so good to have you home.”  Exhausted after their seven hour drive from Missouri, we plopped down on the living room couch to relax. 

Grandsons, Teddy and Gus arrived bright eyed and ready to go with mom and dad in tow. Had they grown another inch? I wondered. Moriah swept in with her cat, Desmond, and the mischief level in the house rose exponentially.  Caleb and Ashia were the last to arrive from Minnesota. We wrapped them in warm hugs.  Forrest and Keziah had a short three hour drive. They schlepped baskets of laundry and bright smiles.

I soaked in the goodness as I surveyed the room. Our kids were all home together, and it was the sweetest feeling: a mixture of nostalgia and pride. They’re all grown. Our work is done and now we connect as friends and peers. Sometimes I’m shocked we’re at this stage already. Wild, busy children gave way to real adults. The transformation is stunning.

“When are you going to buy a sectional mom?” Moriah quips! Every single time the kids come home that’s what they ask.  Sheesh! Yes, our living room is a little cozy for 13 people, but I don’t even care. “Get over it,” I winked, secretly hoping we can get a sectional one day. 

A Stress Free Holiday

How do we manage a household of adult kids who have differing views and perspectives? How do we handle difficult conversations with grace and truly enjoy our time together? How do we make room for apologies and tenderness when tensions rise? How do we handle schedules and meal prep so mom isn’t exhausted?

Read More

Managing Holiday Expectations with Adult Children: Tips for a Joyful Holiday Season

/
Managing Holiday Expectations with Adult Children: Tips for a Joyful Holiday Season

 “Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth.” - 1 Timothy 6:6


Longing for Christmas Past

Angela riffled through the familiar Christmas boxes, as she quietly set up the tree. Memories of Christmases past swirled through her mind. Christmas morning arrived with bleary eyed kids awake early, while gooey cinnamon rolls baked in the oven. The smell of cinnamon and a fresh brewed pot of coffee wafted through the home. The three eager kids were lined up on the couch, in their matching Christmas jammies, waiting for them to doll out their presents. “Which one did Santa bring?” the youngest exclaimed as Angela and her hubby shared a knowing glance.

Hours were spent on the floor playing with their new toys, while discarded Christmas wrapping and bows floated around the room. Lego sets were carefully organized at the table as little boys built their new creations. They could barely pull the kids away from their new treasures to enjoy a little Christmas breakfast. 

“I wonder what Christmas will be like this year?” Angela thought. I wish we could go back to those simple days when all the kids were at home. We had them all to ourselves. It was so easy. We didn’t have to share with in-laws. I wish we could just keep it all the same forever. I feel sad that those days are gone.  


A Season to Adapt

We long to cling to the good ole days when our kids were young and we knew exactly what to expect. It was easier. We weren’t required to adapt. We wouldn’t be disappointed. We understand this tension of longing for the past but realize we must adapt for the good of the whole.

 This is a new season with our adult children and holding on to old expectations is the surest way to ruin the holiday season for our whole family. We have a gracious God who willingly supports us as we learn new ways.

Let's define expectations so we’re all on the same page.  According to Collins Dictionary, a person's expectations are strong beliefs they have about the proper way someone should behave or something should happen.

For moms, a lot of expectations center around how we believe the holidays should look for our families. When our kids don’t meet those expectations it causes tension.Disappointment bubbles up, resentment brews.

Do you have expectations of what the holiday season should look like? Are you crushed when your expectations aren’t met by your grown kids? What if there were a better way for us to enjoy the holiday season with our growing families?

Read More

Why It's Important to Pray for Your Adult Child

/
Why It's Important to Pray for Your Adult Child

The Invitation to Pray

Have you ever had a directive straight from heaven? I heard the Spirit whisper clearly one day, “If you don’t pray for your adult children, who will?”

The impact of that question rattled around in my heart and head. Aside from their grandma, who was praying for our adult children? Besides their dad and I, who was interceding on their behalf? Maybe someone from church? Maybe their pastor? Maybe a few friends or their in-laws? The list seemed quite short in my estimation.

The significance of my “yes” to pray seemed magnified. “Challenge accepted, Holy Spirit!” I whispered.

We often feel unsettled when kids grow up and leave. We see them less often, and we have diminished impact over their choices. They have free will. They get to make their own path. This is God’s will for humanity. God wants our kids to choose Him but He will not force His hand. Instead He lovingly calls them to His heart.

We need to remember we still have influence through our prayers.

It’s a privilege to pray for our adult kids as they navigate relationships, health trials, young marriage, career choices, parenting “littles”, cultural wars, and what they believe about God.

Prayer is one thing we can do for our adult children. It’s an honor and privilege to intercede on their behalf. Prayer is the tool we use to surrender our wishes, and hold fast to the promises of God. Momma, you know how we are as moms. We think we know best and when life with our child doesn’t go how we think it should, we get a little upset. We question God’s goodness, we doubt His presence, and we feel abandoned. 

Prayer is the tool we use to reorient our hearts to God.

Stormie Omartian said it best in her book, The Power of Praying for Your Adult Children, “Prayer is not telling God what to do. Prayer is partnering with God to see that His will is done.”

More than anything I want God’s will done in my children’s lives. Even the ones who doubt He is real or feel hurt by the church. My continual prayer is they would have a fresh revelation of His great love for them.

Read More

This is the Right Way to Set Strong Boundaries

/
This is the Right Way to Set Strong Boundaries

Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember, the Lord is coming soon. - Philippians 4:5 NLT

There is a right and a wrong way to set boundaries. The goal of boundary setting is to help everyone understand who is responsible for what. 

Never start a conversation about boundaries with this phrase,”This is my boundary…!” It is the surest way to offend your adult child because we sound demanding. Implementing boundaries is positive and helpful.

Setting Boundaries is not:

  • control

  • anger

  • rudeness

  • gas lighting

  • manipulation

  • selfish

Remember, the reason for your boundary. It’s so you won’t become burnt out or overwhelmed and so your adult child becomes responsible for themselves. Boundaries aid in understanding your capacity and limits. They’re a tool to foster healthy interdependent relationships with your adult children, but there is a right way to set them. 

First off, we have to establish what we need in the way of boundaries with our adult children. Boundaries are for you and about what you need in a relationship.

There are several types of boundaries:

  • Physical-has to do with personal space and privacy.

  • Emotional-what you will and won’t provide emotionally for your child

  • Financial-focuses on money and how you will or won’t help your adult child financially

  • Intellectual-encompass beliefs and ideas and the respect of your differences.

A boundary only becomes a limit when you have evaluated what you need, communicated with your child about it, then held said boundary. You must do all three parts otherwise it’s just wishful thinking. 

Read More

Do's & Don'ts of Launching Your Child

/
Do's & Don'ts of Launching Your Child

“May God give you more and more mercy, peace, and love.”-Jude 1:2 NLT

Move in Day

The August sun beat down as we unloaded our overpacked cars and schlepped items up to the third floor of her dorm. We passed sweaty students, as eager parents made sense of the small spaces. Our youngest daughter, Keziah was bright with excitement as we unpacked boxes and got her closet arranged just right. Her dad lugged the refrigerator up three flights and lofted the bed. We were thankful for a breeze through her window.

We gobbled some Chick Fil-A, made a Target run, then one last sweep of her room. We didn’t want to stay too long or do too much for her.  She plopped down on her cute futon under the lofted bed with the matching comforter and fluffy throw pillows. She looked content in her space, with little plants speckled about the room. She seemed ready. This was our cue to head home.

Why did she seem so assured and confident? This one was fiercely independent. All I could think of was I wouldn’t see her sweet face every day.  A lump formed in my throat as we said our goodbyes. Soft tears rolled down our cheeks. I think she cried for us more than herself. We knew this young woman would prosper in every way. 

The three hour ride home was quiet for my hubby and I. The familiar sadness of separation logged in the pit of my stomach.  All I could think about was how fast those eighteen years with her went. After 30 years of parenting our five kids, the nest was empty. Though I had made this transition five times, it never got easier for me. 

Transitions

When we launch our children to college, the military, or a job in a new city, it is one of the biggest transitions we will make as moms. It’s a mixed bag of jubilation and sorrow, excitement, and dread. We know what we must face once we return home to an empty bedroom.

We will miss their adorable faces and everyday interactions. We will long for the pile of dirty dishes in their rooms, and the friends they brought home. We’ll miss their voice and plopping down on their beds to chat. They’re absence changes the family dynamic, and that’s an adjustment too.  

Many questions fill our thoughts: Will they make friends?  Will they be lonely or homesick? Will they be responsible? Will they continue to love God? Will they be safe?

This is the season where we let go of our kids and cling to God. 

We understand the assignment.

We recognize everything has changed, but we are not left alone to figure it out. 

God lavishes mercy, peace, and love on us. He’s tender with us. He understands our heartache and He equips us to do things differently. As we are infused with love and peace, we are able to relate to our emerging adults in a fresh way.

Read More

How to Manage Your Grief When Your Child Leaves

/
How to Manage Your Grief When Your Child Leaves

“Therefore the Lord longs to be gracious to you. And therefore He waits on high to have compassion on you.” -Isaiah 30:18

College Drop Off

The sadness lingered below the surface as I gazed in the rearview mirror. Moriah’s warm amber eyes looked back at me as the wintry landscape was reflected in the car window. Oh, how I would miss those eyes and seeing her cuddled up on the couch with another novel. Who would instigate sibling teasing now? She was the mischievous one in our family. 

We headed to the city from our rural community to drop off our daughter at college. She graduated high school a semester early, then started college that January. “Was this even a good idea,” I wondered? Is she too young? I’m not ready to let her go. I flung a silent prayer to heaven. “Lord, help me be brave for her today.” 

 I plastered on my bright smile as we schlepped boxes up the stairs of the dorm, while young students and eager family members drifted through the halls. Excitement commingled with grief. I dreaded the thought of saying goodbye. With each load, I knew the inevitable would happen. I’d drive away from this pristine campus, nestled in the city, and leave a little bit of my heart behind. 

Read More