“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

Holiday Tension

As the calendar flips to November, my thoughts turn to holiday plans and the air is ripe with tension as I wonder if and when I’ll be reunited with my grown kids.

 Momma, do you feel the tension too?

I have precious memories and traditions and I can’t bear the thought of them not continuing. My heart is full of expectations on how the holidays will look, but I know that my refusal to budge causes irreparable harm to my family.

I long for the days when the kids were near. There was no doubt we’d be together around the table at every holiday dinner. My grown kids are all returning home to celebrate their dad’s birthday mid-November, so that means I won’t see them all for Thanksgiving. Instead of them all coming home, we’ll gather at our oldest son’s home in Minnesota, along with some of his siblings.  I must adapt. I need to have a good attitude about it.

There are plenty of reasons why the holidays could look different. Your child might want to spend time with their significant other. Perhaps work doesn’t allow them to return home. Maybe they’re tired of the endless holiday shuffle from home to home with cranky grandkids. Could it be that they need to be with their in-laws this time around? What if they just want to have a simple Christmas at home?

Moms are required to lean in and find strength in God as we release expectations for the good of the whole. Instead of causing strife in our families, by demanding our grown kids celebrate the holidays a certain way, let us choose the way of least resistance, as we learn to let go.

• Could we lean in and find strength from God as we realize the holidays will look different now that our offspring are grown? 

•  Would could it look like if we laid down our demands and chose the way of peace?

• What if moms laid their expectations at the feet of Jesus and processed the loss with Him? 

• How would a mom filled with gratitude communicate graciously with her adult children? 

• What if guilt was replaced with compassion? 

• What if pressure was exchanged for peace?

• Could the art of compromise be practiced so everyone feels like their voice is heard?  

God asks us to move closer to Him, in this season, so we can rely on Him to help us make the shift. As we partner with God, He helps us lay down our selfish ways and compromise for the benefit of our family bond. Acceptance is ushered  in and the family experiences peace as adapting and flexibility become a fresh way of relating.  No longer does a mom demand a certain time to be together, she graciously accepts the changes in holiday plans. “Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

As a Midlife Mindset Coach for Moms, I often hear from adult kids. They say, ”I wish my mom could read this. It would help our family so much.” This helps me realize moms have a long way to go in releasing expectations. When we don’t, it harms our grownup children.

Could this holiday season look different for your family? 

How to Release Expectations:

1. Be self-aware: You can’t address a problem you’re not aware of. Take a look inside and see if there’s any way you’re contributing to holiday stress. Your kids may not have the courage to confront you. Instead ask the Holy Spirit to search your heart to reveal anything that contributes to the tension of holiday planning with your kids. “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.”-Psalm 139:23-24

2. Shift your mindset: Relating to your adult children will require fresh perspectives and mindset changes. “What is best for the family” becomes your new mindset instead of thinking, “what is the best for me.” Selfishness will wreak havoc in your bond with your grown offspring. You are responsible to adjust your attitude. “Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.”-Romans 2:12

3. Pray about it: Go to God with your disappointment. Instead of guilting your children into bowing to your wishes, take your sadness to God. Pour it all out before Him and listen for His voice. He will never lead you astray and will give you the strength to do what’s best for your family.”Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.”-1 Peter 5:7

4. Accept change: Once you’ve done the internal work of understanding the holidays will be different, then you can move to acceptance. Relief will flood in for you and your family as you realize it doesn’t matter when or how you get together. You’ll simply try your best and accept the beautiful faces around your table instead of bemoaning who can’t join you this year.  Gratitude ushers in the joy of the holidays as you reconnect with your grown children.”The Lord is my shepherd; I have all that I need.” Psalm 23:1

Expectations are a breeding ground for disappointment and tension. They often result in family rifts. What if this year your family took a fresh approach? Imagine the peace and joy that would be present as mom learns to be self-aware, shift her mindset, pray about it, and accept the change. Could this be the most stress-free holiday season you’ve ever experienced? 

 Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, I don’t want to cause stress for my family this holiday season. Give me the strength to look inside and adjust the attitudes I carry. Help me lay down my selfishness for the good of my family. I want to accept that changes are normal and I can still be grateful for my family if the holidays look a little different than they used to. Thank You for helping me let go. Amen.

Still struggling?  Maybe this will help.

I have a free guide, Three Tricky Topics with Prompts for Honest Conversation with My Adult Child. One of the sets of prompts centers around holiday expectations. I provide a blueprint on how to navigate this challenging conversation with your adult children. Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.