How to Manage Holiday Expectations with Adult Children: Six Grace-Filled Strategies for Peace and Connection

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As the holidays draw near, many moms feel that familiar tug of nostalgia. We long for the simpler days when everyone was gathered around the same table, laughter filled the kitchen, and no one had in-laws or work schedules to consider. Back then, life felt cozy and connected; our kids were close, and so were our hearts.

But now, the empty chairs sting a little. Our grown children have new homes, new traditions, and new responsibilities. And when the holidays don’t look like they used to, disappointment can quietly creep in. We picture what should be, and before we know it, those expectations begin to steal our joy and strain our relationships.

Momma, what if this year looked different, not worse, just different, and still full of meaning? What if we could approach the holidays with open hands, trusting that God can make beauty out of change?

Proverbs 16:9 reminds us, “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” When we release our tight grip and let Him lead, peace begins to take root.

Let’s look at six grace-filled strategies to help you navigate holiday expectations with peace, flexibility, and deeper connection this season.

1. Be Self-Aware

Momma, have you ever felt that quiet heaviness during the holidays and couldn’t quite explain why? You love your family deeply, but something feels off. You miss how things used to be: the matching pajamas, the early morning giggles, the house buzzing with activity. You’re holding on to those precious memories, and that’s okay. But sometimes, clinging too tightly to what was can make it hard to receive the new season God has for you.

When your emotions start to spiral, when you’re irritable, hurt, or easily disappointed, it’s often a sign that unspoken expectations are running the show. Becoming self-aware helps you name what’s really going on beneath the surface. It’s not about guilt or shame; it’s about grace and growth.

Take time to pause and invite God into that inner space. Ask Him to reveal what’s stirring in your heart and to replace frustration with peace.

Psalm 139:23–24 says, “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

2. Name What You’re Holding

Momma, the purest way to manage those uncomfortable emotions that surface during the holidays is to name them. Don’t shove them down or pretend they’re not there. Have the courage to pause and ask yourself, “What am I really feeling?” Is it disappointment that your grown kids can’t all be home this year? Resentment because you feel left out of their plans? Maybe it’s sadness, rejection, or even fear that family traditions are slipping away.

Whatever you’re holding, bring it into the light. God can’t heal what we hide, but He lovingly meets us in what we’re honest about. When we name our emotions with self-compassion instead of judgment, we make room for grace. We’re not weak for feeling deeply; we’re human and beloved.

Psalm 34:18 reminds us, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

So, take a breath and whisper your truth to God. Let His gentle presence meet you in the ache. When we stop pretending everything’s fine and honestly name our pain, we open the door for His comfort and healing to flow in.

3. Understand the Impact of Expectations

Momma, let’s be honest, most of our holiday stress starts right here. Expectations can sneak in quietly, dressed as good intentions. We imagine what the holidays should look like, how the house should feel, and who should be around the table. But when reality doesn’t match our vision, disappointment moves in, and suddenly our joy feels stolen.

Holding too tightly to expectations not only hurts you, it strains your connection with your adult children. When you insist things go your way, you unknowingly communicate, “My comfort matters more than our relationship.” That’s never your heart, but it can feel that way to them. Grown kids want to come home because they’re welcomed, not guilted.

The truth is, expectations create pressure, but grace creates peace. When you release your grip, you make space for empathy, flexibility, and authentic joy.

James 3:17 reminds us, “But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere.”

When you trade your expectations for God’s wisdom, peace begins to flow again. You start to value connection over control, and that’s where the sweetest holiday moments are found.

4. Practice Flexibility to Build Connection

Momma, the antidote to unmet expectations is flexibility. When you loosen your grip on how the holidays should look, you open your hearts to the beauty of what can be. A flexible mom knows that Christmas morning might not happen on December 25th, and that’s okay. What matters most is being together, whenever and however that happens.

A flexible mom listens with love. She shares what’s meaningful to her but also makes space for what matters to her grown kids. She doesn’t stew in disappointment when plans shift or someone can’t make it home. Instead, she blesses the time she does have and chooses gratitude over grumbling. Her gentle adaptability becomes the glue that holds her family close, even across miles and time zones.

Philippians 2:4 reminds us, “Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.”

When you model humility and flexibility, you show your children what love looks like in action. The result? Deeper connection, softer hearts, and a home, whether full or quiet, that radiates peace and grace.

5. Partner with God in Surrender

Momma, surrender isn’t giving up; it’s giving over. As a parent of adult children, you’re learning that surrender is the secret to peace and strong connection. It’s laying down your expectations, not in defeat, but in trust. Trust that God loves your family even more than you do.

You can bring every disappointment, every lonely ache, and every “this isn’t how I pictured it” moment to a gracious God who never shames or condemns. In surrender, you place your desires at the feet of Jesus and whisper, “Your will, not mine.” You loosen your grip on the past and open your hands to the new thing God is doing right now.

Isaiah 26:3-4 promises, “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord himself, is the Rock eternal.”

Surrender anchors your soul in peace. You stop striving to control and start resting in God’s faithful hands. Even in the ache, you can be confident. He’s working in your heart, in your children’s lives, and in the story He’s still writing for your family.

6. Things Can Look Different and Still Be Good

Momma, this season may not look like years past, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less beautiful. When we release what was, we make space to see what is. God is still here, weaving His goodness through every moment, even the quiet ones.

As you accept the changes in your family’s holiday rhythm, take notice of His presence in the simple things: a conversation that makes you laugh, the warmth of a candle, a moment of stillness that softens your heart. When you center yourself on God’s faithful love, gratitude begins to grow. The pressure fades, and peace settles in.

Those who gather around your table, whether few or many, will feel that peace. Your contentment fills your heart and spills over unto everyone around you. 

Psalm 27:13 says, “I remain confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.”

Things can look different and still be so very good. God is near, His goodness surrounds you, and your family is lovingly held in His hands.

Momma, expectations don’t have to steal your joy this holiday season. When we recognize how they shape our emotions and relationships, we can pause, reflect, and invite God to help us adjust. As we become more self-aware, flexible, and surrendered, our home becomes a place of peace, one that our adult children want to return to.

Remember, the heart of the holidays isn’t found in perfect plans or everyone being together, it’s found in the presence of God and the love that flows from Him through you. Whatever this season looks like, it can still be good, because God is good, and He’s right there in the middle of it all.

Let’s pray.

Dear Papa, help me release any expectations I carry so they don’t rob me of the joy of celebrating this holiday season. Help me be flexible as we make family plans. Help me honor You and spread love to my family this holiday season. Amen

Still struggling?

The Transitional Grief Journaling Guide is a faith-filled resource designed to help empty nest moms process the deep emotions of letting go. Through six guided reflection questions, you’ll name your feelings, invite God into your grief, and discover His comfort in the middle of change. This gentle companion will remind you that transitional grief is only a season and God is leading you toward peace, purpose, and joy.

Don’t Avoid the Tough Talk: How to Start Holiday Planning Conversations with Adult Kids

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Don’t Avoid the Tough Talk: How to Start Holiday Planning Conversations with Adult Kids

As soon as November rolls around, the countdown to the holidays begins, and so does the pressure. Moms everywhere start asking the same questions: What will Thanksgiving look like this year? Will we all be together for Christmas? How do I honor our traditions without overwhelming my adult kids, or myself?

It’s completely normal to feel a mix of excitement and anxiety as the season approaches. You want to hold onto the warmth and connection of years past, but deep down, you know things are changing. One of the biggest emotional shifts a mom faces is accepting that holidays with adult children won’t look like they did when the kids were little, and that’s okay.

Instead of avoiding the discomfort, be the one to open the conversation. Talking openly about holiday plans can prevent misunderstandings, reduce stress, and even strengthen your relationships. With these six strategies, you’ll learn how to approach the holidays with more clarity, flexibility, and peace. They may look different, but they can still be just as meaningful.

1. Stop Avoiding the Elephant in the Room

The holidays are coming. Everyone knows it, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s talking about it. If you're like most moms, you may find yourself avoiding the conversation with your adult kids, hoping to sidestep disappointment or conflict. Maybe deep down, you already sense they won’t be coming home, and saying it out loud makes it real.

But here’s the truth: the longer you avoid the conversation, the more tension quietly builds. As the mom, you’re still the emotional leader in your family. When you take the courageous step to initiate the dialogue, you create space for honesty, tenderness, and understanding. You’re not being pushy. You’re paving the way for peace.

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How to Release Holiday Expectations

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How to Release Holiday Expectations

“Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16


Holiday Tension

As the calendar flips to November, my thoughts turn to holiday plans and the air is ripe with tension as I wonder if and when I’ll be reunited with my grown kids.

Momma, do you feel the tension too?

I have precious memories and traditions and I can’t bear the thought of them not continuing. My heart is full of expectations on how the holidays will look, but I know that my refusal to budge causes irreparable harm to my family.

I long for the days when the kids were near. There was no doubt we’d be together around the table at every holiday dinner. My grown kids are all returning home to celebrate their dad’s birthday mid-November, so that means I won’t see them all for Thanksgiving. Instead of them all coming home, we’ll gather at our oldest son’s home in Minnesota, along with some of his siblings. I must adapt. I need to have a good attitude about it.

There are plenty of reasons why your holidays could look different. Your child might want to spend time with their significant other. Perhaps work doesn’t allow them to return home. Maybe they’re tired of the endless holiday shuffle from home to home with cranky grandkids. Could it be that they need to be with their in-laws this time around? What if they just want to have a simple Christmas at home?

Moms are required to lean in and find strength in God as we release expectations for the good of the whole. Instead of causing strife in our families, by demanding our grown kids celebrate the holidays a certain way, let us choose the way of least resistance, as we learn to let go.

  • Could we lean in and find strength from God as we realize the holidays will look different now that our offspring are grown?

  • Would could it look like if we laid down our demands and chose the way of peace?

  • What if moms laid their expectations at the feet of Jesus and processed the loss with Him?

  • How would a mom filled with gratitude communicate graciously with her adult children?

  • What if guilt was replaced with compassion?

  • What if pressure was exchanged for peace?

  • Could the art of compromise be practiced so everyone feels like their voice is heard?

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List the Gifts To Feel Close to God

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List the Gifts To Feel Close to God

Even though we are past Thanksgiving season, I want to carry gratitude into the rest of my days because the practice of keeping a gratitude list holds the key to feel close to God. The discipline of writing down a list each day changed me.

My Gray World

I sit in the dim early morning hours frustrated, empty, prayers don’t come. God seems far away. I open the Word but nothing speaks to me. The world feels grey. Where is the joy? Am I bored? Where has my usual sunny disposition gone? I feel unsettled, so unlike myself. God seems far away and I’ve lost the wonder. What can I do? Something needs to change.

I remember the book, One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  There had been a buzz about it in Christian circles, and I knew I needed to read it; maybe it held a key.  I devoured the book then invited a few friends over to watch the video series with me. Her words captured me. She’s an artist and poet and spoke vulnerably of the pain she experienced, and how God showed her Himself through the act of keeping a gratitude journal. The book and practice of gratitude would change me forever and bring me closer to God.

“Gratitude bestows reverence, allowing us to encounter everyday epiphanies, those transcendent moments of awe that change forever how we experience life and the world.”-Sarah Ban Breathnach 

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