Mastering Grace: Nurturing Relationships with Adult Children
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“My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness” - 2 Corinthians 12:8
Mastering Grace
What mother doesn’t want a healthy thriving relationship with her grown children? It’s what we dream of, right? We want connection, to be noticed, valued, and loved. Our adult children want that, too.
Mastering grace takes practice, prayer, self-awareness, and reliance on God. It means we approach our adult children differently than when they were young and under our roof.
We will falter and fail. We’ll say too much, or ask too many questions. We’ll want to rush in and fix or rescue instead of allowing our children to problem solve for themselves. We’ll forget they are separate from us and stand before God on their own now. They are free to make their own choices and that might scare us the most.
Grace is what we need.
Grace Through Weakness
One of the most popular verses about grace is found in 2 Corinthians 12:8 “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” The context of the passage is how Paul had a thorn in his flesh that he asked God to remove. Scholars differ on what the thorn was, either sickness or a group of people trying to stop him from spreading the gospel.
Paul prayed for God to remove this thorn and God did not. It’s then we see God answers that His grace is all you need. His power works best in weakness. God is saying Paul’s human weakness was an opportunity for the power of Christ to work through him by God’s grace.
How does this impact a mom with adult children?
It means that when we feel ill prepared, or struggle on how to adapt in our role as a mother with adult kids, Christ empowers us do it well. If and when we feel frustrated or overwhelmed, we realize in our weakness, God’s grace comes through to help us nurture a healthy relationship with our children. Instead of berating ourselves for our weakness, we praise God for His help.
How to Nurture Your Adult Kids Gracefully
1. Grace understands your kids are learners, too.
When your adult children leave the nest, questions loom:
Will they continue to believe what they’ve been taught about God, the church, or the world?
What will they study?
Where will they live?
Where will they work?
Who will they befriend or choose as a life partner?
What does family mean to them?
How will they manage their finances?
Will they have good mental health?
Will they care for their bodies well?
It’s overwhelming reading the list, isn’t it? A mom who leans into grace doesn’t expect her child to get everything right. Your emerging adult will tell you, “Adulting is hard!” They’re not wrong! It is because there are important elements for them to manage, instead of you.
Instead of berating your kids when they fail or make mistakes, you come alongside them with love and tenderness. You ask them questions like, “What do you think you could do differently next time?” or “How would you like it to look differently next time?” This allows them to take responsibility, problem solve, and become independent.
Grace allows you to let go.
2. Grace enables you to listen well.
Gone are the days of barking out orders and telling your kids what to do. This might be the hardest shift for moms. Instead, you approach your children with a true desire to listen. You talk less and become a sounding board for whatever they need to say. You listen for the nonverbal cues and the feelings behind their words. You lay down your agenda and truly desire to hear your grownup child. Even if you disagree. Even if you don’t like what they’re saying. Listening does not equate agreeing.
Instead of talking about all your life experience, listen! Being gracious means you care about your child’s perspective. You listen well then repeat back what they’re saying if you need clarification. When you’re done listening you can say, “Thank you for telling me that.” or “Thank you for sharing that with me. I’m glad you did.” Listening graciously allows you to be a safe space for your adult child. You’ll be amazed how nurtured your child will feel.
3. Grace helps you not judge their decisions.
This one can be difficult, especially when you don’t agree with your child’s decision, especially concerning their faith or world view. Instead of berating or judging your children, you allow God to do that. There is one judge, and it is not you. You are not the voice of the Holy Spirit to your child. Let God be that. You must get out of the way and allow the Holy Spirit to convict your child about his decisions. Do you not believe that God is able to convict and convince? Your adult child knows where you stand. He was raised in your house.
Instead of judging, you love and pray. You intercede on your child’s behalf and you ask God to move. In the waiting you show unconditional love and kindness. This is what grace looks like. I’m not saying you need to agree with their decision, but you must not judge, because when you judge, God will judge you (Matthew 7:1) and I don’t think you want that.
4. Grace allows you to support instead of rescue.
You are used to rescuing and fixing things for your kids. That’s what you did when you were raising your child, but this is the time to move to a supportive role. Grace allows you to step back, breathe deep, and allow your child to find a solution. I’m not saying you can’t be a sounding board when they want to talk through a decision, if they ask. You can.
I’m addressing your desire to rescue, heal, solve, or carry your child’s troubles. Now that they’re adults they need to learn how to do that. You rescuing them continues to cause them to be immature and dependent on you. Instead, you support them by empathizing with their troubles. You pray for them and you give advice if they ask. This helps your child become an independent adult, which is the goal of your parenthood.
Mastering grace will always improve your connection with your adult child. You are the leader in the relationship as you rely on God to change the way you relate to your child. When you feel weak, God rushes in to help you through the power of His Spirit. He will provide everything you need to walk gracefully with your adult child.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, How I desperately need Your grace to cover my weakness. It’s challenging to shift from a directive role to a supportive role. I don’t want to watch my child struggle. Help me practice kindness and tenderness towards my child. Thank You, Jesus, for being our example of grace. Help me nurture a grace-filled connection with my child. I’m relying on You today. Amen.
Still struggling?
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