Refining Stories: A Toxic Marriage
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I have two stories left to share to conclude the Refining Series.
I was especially touched by Debra’s story. She endured a toxic marriage for many years in hopes he would change. I believe God can restore any marriage if people are willing to change and partner with God. Unfortunately, there are toxic people who don’t want to change. Debra experienced years of pain in her marriage yet allowed God to refine her in the midst of her heartache. It is an honor to share Debra’s story today.
Debra’s Story:
Ten years into my marriage of 22 years, I became aware of my husband’s sexual addiction, same-sex attraction, and acting out. Through it all, he had kept up an appearance of godliness while engaging in a pursuit of sinfulness. As a Christian, I know “God hates divorce”, so I would not give up hope of restoring our marriage. I continued to offer grace and forgiveness while facing each disappointment.
As years passed, I persevered through the lies and deception. I always wanted to believe my husband was getting the help he needed and making progress, desiring to heal the brokenness of our marriage. Each time I believed we were on the road to a restored marriage, I would discover more of his ongoing deception. We continually needed to start over, rebuilding from “ground zero”.
While attending counseling, small group sessions, marriage classes, and intensive weekend therapy sessions, my nightmare remained a well-kept secret from family and friends. Experiencing the hurt, pain, embarrassment, shame and betrayal of someone, who I thought loved me and loved God, was paralyzing. I remained isolated. Bearing it alone was a heavy burden, but I continued believing God would heal and restore the marriage, keeping our family intact.
My kids were unaware of the issues. They were ages 3 and 8 when things began. Feeling zombie-like from endless sleepless nights, I was determined to provide stability and wholeness for them. I worked to keep up the facade of being a happy mom, while on the inside experiencing anxiety and depression.
During the last 13 years, the catalyst to my healing was scripture memorization. In 2013, prompted by a Beth Moore Bible study, I purposed to memorize 24 scriptures in one year. The first verse I chose to memorize was Proverbs 31:25. “I am clothed in strength and dignity. I can laugh at the days to come.” Insecure, lacking self-worth, and riding a daily emotional rollercoaster, I could not believe this verse was about me.
Strength? I was not strong! I was weak. Nothing but a doormat. Self-doubting and giving in to my husband’s narcissistic ways.
Dignity? What in the world was that? I had no dignity left!
And laughing about the future? Only tears remained. I had given up hope!
But God never gave up on me. He never left me alone. He continued to put other scriptures in my heart.
Slowly, I began believing the truth of His Word. Presently I stand, rest assured, that God’s Word IS true and provides peace, comfort, joy, and healing. God has proven Himself trustworthy. When I ask and seek Him for help and wisdom, He is faithful. He provides every need and more… I have learned that life can be messy and it doesn’t always work out the way I hope for, but God remains constant. His love endures forever.
After persevering through painful, yet refining years, seeking the Lord for his timing and answers, God confirmed to me it was ok to move on. My husband’s choices did not include God nor His ways. Jesus still had and has a good plan for me. That plan is one with a future and a hope. (Jeremiah 29:11)
Over the past 13 years, He strengthened and refined me to be brave, bold, unashamed, bringing light into darkness. I can now laugh at the future because I know who holds my future.
For those of you struggling with the same pain, I am hopeful my story can encourage you to know you are not alone. God’s word can enable us to no longer doubt, but instead to believe we are beloved daughters of the King of Kings. Stand for truth, firm in faith, no longer be afraid, but pursue righteousness.
With God’s help, I’m able to extend grace and forgiveness to others, pointing them to the Lord. Jesus changed me from being helpless and hopeless to someone ready to live the abundant life He offers. I have the freedom to serve others, telling them of His faithfulness and love that endures forever. His word teaches me of His mercy, kindness, trustworthiness, providence, protection, and promises. I no longer view myself as a victim of circumstances, needing a pity party, but as a survivor. He continues to provide healing for me and He will be faithful to do the same for you. He is good!
Helpful Verses to Memorize:
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” Isaiah 41:10 NIV
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13 ESV
“The name of the Lord is a fortified tower; the righteous run to it and are safe.” Proverbs 18:10 NIV
“I sought the Lord and He answered me; He delivered me from all my fears.” Psalm 34:4 NIV
“My blessing is on those people who trust in Me, who put their confidence in Me.” Jeremiah 17:7 NET
“But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory and the lifter of my head.” Psalm 3:3 ESV
Are you still struggling?
Maybe this will help.
I’ve included a free worksheet to help you process your own refining season. Click on the image below and leave your name and email so I know where to send it.
Debra Wallace is a writer, fiber artist and outdoor enthusiast. As a single mom she enjoys her two kids,two cats and a tortoise. Residing in Texas, she finds any excuse to visit her cabin in New Mexico. When she’s not writing, knitting or natural dyeing, you’ll find her hiking, connecting with friends and family, or attending school events. You can find out more about her here:
Website: debrawallace.org
Facebook: debrawallacewrite
Instagram @bee_of goodcheer
