Breaking Down Seven Communication Barriers in Empty Nest Marriage
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Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." – Ephesians 4:2
Communication Challenges
It’s not uncommon for empty nest couples to experience barriers to communication.
The barriers were present when the kids were home, but our limitations seemed magnified with the buffer of children gone.
According to various studies, a significant majority—around 65% or more—of married couples experience communication difficulties that can impact their relationship, often cited as the primary reason for divorce when not properly addressed.
Does this sound familiar?
We fly off the handle instead of being patient.
We sulk and give the “cold treatment” in hopes things will get better, but they never do.
We don’t know how to listen well or refuse to validate our spouse’s emotions, causing our husband to shut down and retreat.
We feel abandoned by our mate.
We long to feel connected, yet we don’t. Every time we try to have a conversation, it fizzles out or ends in conflict, leaving us feeling more isolated than before.
What is God’s perspective on our empty nest communication skills?
When Paul was writing to the church in Ephesus, I think he had married couples in mind. He knew of our propensity to think we’re right and demand something of our spouses. Instead, we’re welcomed to approach our mate with a submitted heart and a willingness to learn and grow:
“Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love.” – Ephesians 4:2
As we identify the barriers to communication, we don’t point fingers. Instead, we choose humility and respond with a gentle reply, knowing we all need to grow and improve. Rather than feeling frustrated with our mate, we remember our covenant of love.
Communication isn’t the only necessary element in a healthy marriage. You also need respect, love, commitment, a desire to connect, and fun. When you build on this foundation, you’ll be better equipped to adjust how you talk to each other. Identifying communication barriers can help you overcome obstacles in your relationship.
7 Communication Barriers in Empty Nest Marriage
1. Unmet Expectations
It’s easy to assume our husbands know what we need or want in this season, but unspoken expectations can quietly create distance.
The Remedy: Let go of unspoken expectations and have clear conversations about what you need. Your spouse cannot read your mind. Discuss your expectations and work hard to support each other’s needs. This requires self-awareness and courage.
2. Emotional Distance
After years of focusing on raising kids, it might feel strange to reconnect emotionally. That distance doesn’t have to stay there.
The Remedy: Start doing things together. Begin with fun. Remember how you used to laugh together and find your way back to that space. Then start to be honest with each other. Say things like:
“I enjoy spending time with you.”
“I love laughing with you.”
“I want to feel close to you again.”
3. Unresolved Conflict
Old arguments or unresolved issues can quietly linger, making it harder to communicate freely.
The Remedy: Even if you’re conflict-avoidant, learn how to work through disagreements. Conflict resolution is a skill you can practice. Set ground rules of mutual respect, gentleness, and a desire to understand each other. With time, you’ll make progress.
4. Poor Listening Skills
It’s easy to listen just to respond instead of truly hearing our spouse’s heart.
The Remedy: Listen to understand rather than to rebut. A mirroring activity can help: Repeat back what your spouse has said and ask, “Is this what you said?” If correct, move on; if not, ask them to repeat it until you’ve understood. Empathize with their feelings by saying, “I’m sorry, that must be hard.” Let them explain why it’s hard, and they can do the same for you.
5. Neglecting Spiritual Connection
If we’re not intentional, it’s easy to let spiritual connection fall by the wayside.
The Remedy: Have an honest, non-critical conversation about your desire to share in sacred activities, such as church attendance, praying together, or reading the Bible. Pursuing God together in the empty nest season is a gift. Pray that God would move powerfully in your spiritual life as a couple.
6. Different Vision for the Future
Maybe one of you wants to travel while the other wants to settle down. Differences in dreams can cause friction.
The Remedy: Have conversations about your dreams. Dream together. Share what’s on your heart. Pursue your own interests but plan activities you both enjoy, such as travel, hobbies, or spending time with kids and grandkids.
7. Lack of Quality Time
Life doesn’t slow down just because the kids are gone. Careers, hobbies, and commitments can still crowd out quality time.
The Remedy: Make time for each other. Share meals, cook together, go for walks, or pray before bed. Reinstitute a weekly date night to have fun together. Communication flows more easily when you’ve spent quality time together.
Moving Forward
It’s common to have communication barriers, but when we understand what they are, we can move forward in our relationships with our husbands. When we ask God for courage to have meaningful conversations, we can overcome these barriers.
Let’s Pray
Dear Papa, I recognize there are barriers preventing my husband and me from having effective communication now that the kids are grown. Fill me with courage and awareness to overcome these barriers to improve how we talk to each other. Bind us together in love. Amen.
Does this describe you?
Are you feeling distant in your relationship with your husband?
Is there unresolved conflict?
Do you find yourself being critical of him?
Would you like to partner with God through prayer to improve your connection with your mate?
The Marriage Awareness Worksheet is filled with powerful questions from Empty Nest Coach Pamela Henkelman, which you can ask yourself. This thoughtful exercise is just between you and God. With a bit of vulnerability and an open heart before God, you'll become aware of the minor adjustments you can make to experience a more harmonious marriage.
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