Ten Proven Tips for Handling Tough Conversations with Your Adult Child
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With any great dish, we need the right mix of ingredients for the recipe to turn out well. The same goes for our conversations with our adult children, especially when it involves difficult topics.
You can’t hope it goes well. When we are haphazard with our words and actions, we create tension and stress in our relationships. Our bond is broken and bitterness can invades our union.
When we prepare well and keep a few principles in place, we can navigate a difficult topic with confidence. Our relationship remains intact. In fact, it might even be stronger when we’re finished because we’ve kept these guiding principles in mind:
You must be courageous.
When I work with my coaching clients, they are often plagued with fear, when it comes to discussing difficult topics with their children. They end up not having the conversation and their relationship fails.
When you ask God to fill you with courage, He will. He is faithful. You never go into any difficult conversation alone. The Holy Spirit is present to give you confidence and strength. Don’t wait to be unafraid; move forward in spite of any nervousness you feel.
The Big Question: How could your relationship improve if you had more courage?
2. You need to choose the right timing.
Avoid having important conversations when either of you are distracted, tired, or hungry. Be courteous and thoughtful. However, don’t be hyper vigilant thinking everything has to be perfect or you’ll never have the conversations. Be mindful of the season of life, work habits, and your child’s emotional capacity, before you have the conversation.
The Big Question: Is there anything going on that would be a hindrance to this conversation?
3. You need to practice effective listening.
Your job is to listen to understand. You want to fully engage by not trying to think of what you’ll say next. Instead, listen for the unspoken, nonverbal cues too, so you have a complete picture of what your child is saying.
The Big Question: What could be a positive outcome of you listening well?
4. You must mirror back what they said.
You want to repeat back what your child said, so you can be certain there is no miscommunication. Here’s a phrase to use so you can see if you heard them correctly. “So what you’re saying is….” Mirror what they said back, then ask. “Is this correct?” If not, then try mirroring again until you can repeat back exactly what they said.
The Big Question: How will your good listening skills help you mirror the conversation?
5. You need to ask clarifying questions.
It’s always good to ask clarifying questions until you have complete understanding. It’s okay to say things like:
Is this what you meant by…?
Did I get this right when you said…?
Can you tell me in another way, so I can understand?
Can you tell me more?
The Big Question: Are you willing to ask clarifying questions so you can have understanding?
6. It’s best when you refrain from giving advice.
As you wade through difficult conversations it’s not a good time to give unsolicited advice. This can feel infuriating to an adult child who wants to feel understood. If your child asks for your advice, then give it gladly. Challenging conversations go better when you display empathy instead of offering solutions.
The Big Question: Would anything prevent you from holding your advice?
7. It helps when you don’t judge or criticize.
The surest way to shut down any conversation is to be judgemental and critical of your child’s perspective. Our job as parents is to empathize, not criticize. When you are judgemental or critical you are not maintaining a Christ-like attitude. Your child will continue to erect walls because you’ve demonstrated you’re not “safe” to talk with.
The Big Question: How can criticism or judgment negatively impact your child?
8. Ask permission to share your perspective.
When you disagree with your child, it’s okay to ask them if you can share your perspective. They might say “no” if they already know where you stand on an issue. If they say yes, keep your response brief, to one or two points, and maintain emotional control.
The Big Question: Are you okay if your child says “no” to wanting to hear your perspective?
9. Reassure your child of your love.
When your adult child shares something difficult with you, they often need to be reassured. They wonder where they stand with you now that they’ve told you their perspective. When you tell your child you love them, they will experience peace.
The Big Question: How will this reassurance improve your relationship with your child?
10. Thank them for sharing their perspective.
A simple thank you is often the best way to close a hard conversation. Acknowledging that it may not have been easy for your child to share their heart with you, goes a long way in building a safe emotional bond with your grown offspring. It communicates generosity and love.
The Big Question: What will your “thank you” communicate to your child?
Few people enjoy wading into difficult conversations, but when we approach the tough conversations with thoughtfulness and intention, the results are usually quite positive. Often the bond with our grown child is strengthened.
Still struggling?
Grab my free guide, How to Have Hard Conversations with Your Adult Child. In the guide you will find three conversations with guided prompts about the tricky topics of whether your child doesn’t believe in God anymore, how to navigate holiday expectations, and when your child supports abortion rights.
Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.
