September 16, 2024

How to Reconnect with Your Partner After the Kids Leave Home

September 16, 2024/ Pamela Henkelman

Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”- Matthew 19:6

Lonely Evenings

Elizabeth scurries about the kitchen while she waits for her husband, Dave to come in from the garage. Frustration bubbles to the surface as she thinks “I worked all day too, why can’t he help me cook dinner?”

She imagines another awkward evening at the dinner table with just the two of them. “It was so much easier when we were distracted by the kids,” she thinks. “Now I feel more alone than ever.”

Sure, they’ll talk about work, but nothing really important. Dave will say a few words then retreat to his chair to watch sports while I read another book. They will spend another lonely evening together. “This is not how I imagined it to be.” Elizabeth thinks, “ Everyone says the empty nest is amazing, but mostly I feel sad and disconnected. How am I ever going to find my way back to my husband?” Liz wonders.

Marital Satisfaction

How about you? How satisfied are you in your empty nest marriage?

Marital satisfaction can decline rapidly in the empty nest, especially when women feel disconnected from their mates. We want more in our empty nest marriages. We want it to be more than two lives lived separately. We long for emotional intimacy, mutual satisfaction, and a fresh vision for our marriage. We dream of legacy and impact, not criticism, fault-finding and boredom.

What do we do if our empty nest marriage looks nothing like we imagined?

Ten Proven Tips for Handling Tough Conversations with Your Adult Child

August 19, 2024/ Pamela Henkelman

With any great dish, we need the right mix of ingredients for the recipe to turn out well. The same goes for our conversations with our adult children, especially when it involves difficult topics.

You can’t hope it goes well. When we are haphazard with our words and actions, we create tension and stress in our relationships. Our bond is broken and bitterness can invades our union.

When we prepare well and keep a few principles in place, we can navigate a difficult topic with confidence. Our relationship remains intact. In fact, it might even be stronger when we’re finished because we’ve kept these guiding principles in mind:

1.You must be courageous.

When I work with my coaching clients, they are often plagued with fear, when it comes to discussing difficult topics with their children. They end up not having the conversation and their relationship fails.

When you ask God to fill you with courage, He will. He is faithful. You never go into any difficult conversation alone. The Holy Spirit is present to give you confidence and strength. Don’t wait to be unafraid; move forward in spite of any nervousness you feel.

The Big Question: How could your relationship improve if you had more courage?

2. You need to choose the right timing.

Avoid having important conversations when either of you are distracted, tired, or hungry. Be courteous and thoughtful. However, don’t be hyper vigilant thinking everything has to be perfect or you’ll never have the conversations. Be mindful of the season of life, work habits, and your child’s emotional capacity, before you have the conversation.

The Big Question: Is there anything going on that would be a hindrance to this conversation?

3. You need to practice effective listening.

Your job is to listen to understand. You want to fully engage by not trying to think of what you’ll say next. Instead, listen for the unspoken, nonverbal cues too, so you have a complete picture of what your child is saying.

The Big Question: What could be a positive outcome of you listening well?

Why Difficult Conversations with Your Adult Child Strengthens Your Relationship

August 05, 2024/ Pamela Henkelman

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. - James 1:19

Avoidance Tactics

Elizabeth stared out the window as she drove with her husband to the grocery store. She ruminated over a missed opportunity with her youngest daughter, Mackenzie. Instead of feeling courageous, she shrank into fear and avoided a hard conversation with Mac.

She noticed her daughter talked less about God. Mac was a junior in college and she rarely attended church. Her once loved Bible was untouched on a shelf in her childhood bedroom. She always had an excuse not to attend: work, a college project, or weekends away with friends. Mackenzie declined whenever mom invited her to church too.

Elizabeth wanted to bring it up, but she was afraid of offending her daughter. Everytime she tried to talk about it she would shrink back, fearing she didn’t have the right words.

Deep down she didn’t really want to know why Mac had walked away from God. She felt like a failure as a mom. It was easier to remain at surface level with her daughter instead of wading in deep. “What if she rejects God forever,” Elizabeth thought. “I couldn’t bear that.”

Avoiding the topic made Eliabeth feel far away from her daughter. All she was left with was a gaping hole in their relationship. “There has to be a better way,” she thought. “It’s time we talked about it.”

Have you ever tiptoed around a conversation with your adult child?

We worry about not having the right words. We don’t want to come across as overbearing or close-minded. Often we feel inadequate knowing we need grace and kindness as we approach the subject. We understand we can’t become defensive, but we don’t know what that looks like.

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