Why Difficult Conversations with Your Adult Child Strengthens Your Relationship
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Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. - James 1:19
Avoidance Tactics
Elizabeth stared out the window as she drove with her husband to the grocery store. She ruminated over a missed opportunity with her youngest daughter, Mackenzie. Instead of feeling courageous, she shrank into fear and avoided a hard conversation with Mac.
She noticed her daughter talked less about God. Mac was a junior in college and she rarely attended church. Her once loved Bible was untouched on a shelf in her childhood bedroom. She always had an excuse not to attend: work, a college project, or weekends away with friends. Mackenzie declined whenever mom invited her to church too.
Elizabeth wanted to bring it up, but she was afraid of offending her daughter. Everytime she tried to talk about it she would shrink back, fearing she didn’t have the right words.
Deep down she didn’t really want to know why Mac had walked away from God. She felt like a failure as a mom. It was easier to remain at surface level with her daughter instead of wading in deep. “What if she rejects God forever,” Elizabeth thought. “I couldn’t bear that.”
Avoiding the topic made Eliabeth feel far away from her daughter. All she was left with was a gaping hole in their relationship. “There has to be a better way,” she thought. “It’s time we talked about it.”
Have you ever tiptoed around a conversation with your adult child?
We worry about not having the right words. We don’t want to come across as overbearing or close-minded. Often we feel inadequate knowing we need grace and kindness as we approach the subject. We understand we can’t become defensive, but we don’t know what that looks like.
We fear we’ll just cry our way through the whole conversation. Then where does that get us? We’re left feeling weak and frustrated.
Maybe deep down, we really don’t want to know the truth about our children. Especially when it comes to the delicate topics of sexual orientation, politics, cultural wars, and their faith walks.
It’s too painful to acknowledge where they stand, so we dip and dodge, avoiding difficult conversations, but deep down we know. We understand something has changed. We know we need to face reality, but it feels risky!
Mindset Shift
What if we made one powerful mindset shift?
Difficult conversations can actually strengthen our relationships with our adult children!
I know, I know, it seems impossible, but it’s true. It’s all about seeking to understand our children. Just because we listen to our adult children doesn’t mean we agree with their perspective.
An honest conversation is simply a glimpse into their lives. It’s a snapshot of their hearts. It’s an opportunity for grace and understanding to operate. We love our kids and want to be tender with their hearts.
We get a picture of what this looks like from the book of James, as he writes to the Believers about how they should live. “Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry” - James 1:19
As Christian moms, we are called to humbly seek to understand and empathize with our children. By listening well and holding our tongues, we communicate love and respect. We are telling them we want to hear their perspective because they matter to us.
When we respond in a caring manner, it immediately strengthens our bond with our kids. It’s an opportunity for closeness and trust to grow.
Four reasons why difficult conversations with your adult child strengthens your relationship.
1. Your child will feel seen and heard.
More than anything your child longs for you to see them for where they are and who they are today, especially if he/she looks different from the child you raised.
When you open up dialogue with your child and they are free to tell you their perspective, without judgment, they will experience the gift of empathy. According to Brene Brown, “Empathy is communicating that incredible healing message of ‘You’re not alone.’”
2. Shame will be diminished for your child.
Shame is a powerful force. Shame causes us to believe that we are deeply flawed because of something we’ve done or has been done to us. It causes us to shut down and withdraw.
When you allow your child to share their experience without shaming them, you improve your bond.
Imagine your child feels ashamed for walking away from God or deeply flawed if they experience same sex attraction. Imagine the love they will feel when you create space for them to share a typically shame-filled topic. Can you envision the healing that could take place?
3. It’s an opportunity to learn and grow.
When pride operates in your relationship with your adult child, it often looks like you’re right and your child is wrong.
Author Mary Jo Sharp, in her book Why Do You Believe That said, “When we engage people in conversation we should always see this engagement as an opportunity to learn. We must constantly be mindful of the error of being wise in our own eyes. Our minds and therefore our thoughts, are subject to the fallen nature of man. We should not expect that everything we are thinking is accurate all the time. To do this is an egregious mistake.”
When you listen to your adult child’s perspective, it helps you learn more about them and the world. You don’t know everything, momma and that’s okay.
4. You’ll gain insight on how to pray.
As you engage in these difficult conversations with your child you’ll have glimpses into their heart, which informs the way you pray. The information is a beacon for focused petitions.
God welcomes your specific prayers concerning your child’s needs. Because you took the brave step to broach a difficult topic, you now know how to pray and that is a gift. How good it is to have confidence as you pray specific requests for your adult child. You are partnering with God on your child’s behalf.
It’s normal to feel nervous about talking to you kids about those hard topics. But when you engage in these conversations they become a catalyst for growth and connection. The thing you feared the most can become a bridge to closeness.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, You know I’m afraid to talk to my adult child about this hard topic so I need courage. Help me understand that by having the conversation I will improve my connection with my adult child. Give me the grace to listen well to hear they’re heart so I can understand them better and know how to pray. Amen.
Still struggling?
Grab my free guide, How to Have Hard Conversations with Your Adult Child. In the guide you will find three conversations with guided prompts about the tricky topics of whether your child doesn’t believe in God anymore, how to navigate holiday expectations, and when your child supports abortion rights.
Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.
