The Power of An Apology
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“Be completely gentle and humble, be patient, bearing with one another in love.”-Ephesians 4:2
That Annoying Sound
The sound machine, on high volume, swooshed the most annoying sound. It didn’t replicate ocean waves, at all, as the high volume distorted into jarring white noise. It grated on my soul. I tossed and turned in restless fits as our infant grandson, Gus, slept peacefully. We had the only guest bedroom at Mom and Don’s condominium and we had to share with Gus because he needed a dark room and the noise machine to sleep. Everyone else was laid out on air mattresses in the living room. This was our only alternative if I wanted a comfy bed versus a lumpy air mattress.
I flipped and flopped all night long, deeply annoyed by the offensive sound. Gus was sound asleep. Couldn’t I just turn it down a little? Every time I tried, Gus woke up and Keenan, his dad, would come in and comfort him. This went on all night. I was frustrated. Keenan was agitated and we couldn’t wait for the dawn to break, so we could end this insanity.
At morning's arrival, Keenan asked to talk to me. He was livid. We sat on the edge of the bed, while everyone else was still asleep. With our bedhead and bleary-eyes, I could see the anger and hurt on his face. He told me how he felt. I was crushed by hurting him. I listened and let him pour out the pain and then I did the only thing I could do. I apologized.
I was broken for hurting him, and for being so selfish about the stupid sound machine. I had dismissed his parenting choice, which hurt him deeply. He realized he may have overreacted from the sheer exhaustion of it all. Hot tears fell, but we wrapped up the conversation with a big hug. We extended grace to each other.
Apologize, Mom
Most often the conflicts or tension we experience in our relationships are because both parts are contributing to the stress. It’s never just one or the other. As we navigate this new way of relating to our kids, it’s often hard for moms to change roles. It’s difficult to not make all the decisions anymore. Resentment can grow quickly when communication or expectations have been challenging.
The antidote for bitterness is a gentle tone and a quick apology. It diffuses conflict and brings the relationship back to civility. The tension is removed and a tone of understanding and respect returns.
Are you the kind of mom who apologizes easily or are you a bit too proud for that? Are you the mom who squares her shoulders and digs in her heels with her adult kids? Do you set your jaw and harden your heart in conflict? Conflicts will come; they’re inevitable in this season of parenting. Apologizing is helpful.
Three reasons apologies are important:
1. It communicates humility: It takes humility to apologize. Pride is set aside as we go low. Mom, we are not going to always respond correctly in any given situation and this harms our kids. It’s the proud who continually rail and become bitter. They can’t see their role in the conflict. Humility says, “let me examine if I’ve played a part in the tension.” Going low is the gateway to restoration. Isn’t that what we want with our adult kids? “Humble yourself before the Lord and He will lift you up.”-James 4:10
2. Bitterness can’t grow. Unresolved conflict is a breeding ground for bitterness. Hurt builds with each offense. As damage compounds, so bitter roots take shape and continue to flourish. An apology leaves no room for bitterness to grow because we take responsibility for our actions. We value relationships over being right. Maintaining a close connection with our adult child is most important. “ Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.”-Hebrews 12:15
3.Forgiveness can be given and received. There’s no more powerful statement during a conflict, than after we apologize, we hear, “I forgive you.” We forgive others because Christ forgave us. This keeps us from holding grudges or keeping record of wrongs. The slate is wiped clean as we continue to build a safe bond with our adult children.”Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”-Ephesians 4:32
May we never underestimate the power of an apology with our grown kids. When it’s appropriate, we can humble ourselves and give the gift of a heartfelt apology. It will restore broken bonds.
Let’s pray.
Dear Papa, Help me recognize when I have wronged my adult child in word or action. Give me a humble heart and keep pride far from me. Help me honor my child with a heartfelt apology so that bitterness and resentment will not continue to grow in our relationship. Help us understand the value of being forgiven in the context of our relationship. Amen
I’ve created a free guide for you, “Five Ways To Support Your Adult Child.” Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.
