How to Reconnect with Your Partner After the Kids Leave Home

Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.”- Matthew 19:6

Lonely Evenings

Elizabeth scurries about the kitchen while she waits for her husband, Dave to come in from the garage. Frustration bubbles to the surface as she thinks “I worked all day too, why can’t he help me cook dinner?”  

She imagines another awkward evening at the dinner table with just the two of them. “It was so much easier when we were distracted by the kids,” she thinks. “Now I feel more alone than ever.” 

Sure, they’ll talk about work, but nothing really important. Dave will say a few words then retreat to his chair to watch sports while I read another book. They will spend another lonely evening together. “This is not how I imagined it to be.” Elizabeth thinks, “ Everyone says the empty nest is amazing, but mostly I feel sad and disconnected. How am I ever going to find my way back to my husband?” Liz wonders. 

Marital Satisfaction

How about you? How satisfied are you in your empty nest marriage?

Marital satisfaction can decline rapidly in the empty nest, especially when women feel disconnected from their mates. We want more in our empty nest marriages. We want it  to be more than two lives lived separately. We long for emotional intimacy, mutual satisfaction, and a fresh vision for our marriage. We dream of legacy and impact, not criticism, fault-finding and boredom.

What do we do if our empty nest marriage looks nothing like we imagined? 

What could it look like if we returned to the beginning, except we were smarter and had more money? 

Could we turn it around?

God’s Perspective on Marriage

God is clear on His expectation for our marriage covenant. Most of us stood before family and friends and exchanged vows that went something like this. I promise to love, honor and cherish, until death do us part, or something close to that. Those words communicated a covenant relationship before God, that we would maintain until our earthly deaths. 

Jesus  was teaching to the crowd and goes on to explain the importance of this covenant in Matthew 19:6: “Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” Nothing should separate a man and wife.(There is an exception in the case of domestic abuse. You need to separate until both of you are safe). 

Nothing should tear you apart: no hardship, sickness, betrayal, or lack of positive feelings. Marriage is for life, even when the empty nest feels complicated. This was always God’s plan for marriage.

Our culture says, “Go ahead, get a divorce; It’ll be easy. Start over. You deserve to be happy.” But you and I know divorce is anything but easy. There’s a path of relational destruction that impacts our families for decades.

You may be feeling frustrated right now, but there are ways to reconnect after the kids leave home. Try these:

1. Seek professional help.

There are some hurdles that you cannot overcome in your marriage and you need to seek outside help. There’s no shame in that. Find a counselor, coach, or therapist who can help you through this rough patch in your marriage.

If contempt and complete relational breakdown is present, try this conversation starter recommended by Dr Henry Cloud: Say this: “I miss you and how we used to have fun. Now it seems like we just squabble a lot. Does it feel that way to you?”

Let your husband respond, but don’t react! 

Say this: I can tell I do a lot of things that frustrate you and I don’t want to do that. Can I ask you one more question? Do you think we really haven’t adapted to having the kids gone?

He’ll likely agree.

Say this: I think I’d like to sit down with someone to help us get to a better place. Let’s go work on this together.

2. Remember why you fell in love.

Have an evening of remembrance. There’s nothing like going back to the early days of your love. Life was rich, exciting and playful. 

Pick a comfy spot then try this activity: Each of you write down what you remember from your first date. Write out every detail that you can remember from who, what, where, and when. Most importantly, write down how you felt. Share your stories with each other and see what you discover.

3. Reassess your values.

You spent years living out your values with your kids, now it’s time to reassess what’s important to each of you in this season of your marriage. Write out what you value most. There are many values to choose from: fun, learning, serving, adventure, honesty, support, emotional intimacy, healthy sexuality, honoring God, friendship, healthy living, financial security, etc. 

Each make a separate list then come together with your renewed shared values. Talking it through will increase your emotional intimacy and help you both know where to focus in this season of your relationship. Let these values guide your decisions from here forward. 

4. Love requires effort and sacrifice.

  Love isn’t a feeling, it's a verb. Feelings will wane in marriage. This is normal and we all experience it. It’s impossible to maintain those effervescent, young love feelings. Instead remind yourself that love is action. What can you do to show love to one another? The feelings will follow once you decide to act lovingly towards your spouse.

Lastly, healthy marriage involves sacrifice. With sacrifice, you do things you don’t feel like doing as a way to serve.  When you sacrifice for one another, love grows. Think of how you can serve your mate, then next, tell your husband how he can best serve you. Do you need empathetic listening, adventure and fun, quality time together, a long back rub, deep conversations? You have permission to tell your husband what you need and why.

Many couples feel disconnected once the kids move out because they aren’t a buffer in the relationship anymore. When we feel distant from our spouses try to seek professional help, remember why we fell in love, reassess our values, and practice love and sacrifice and see our emotional bond grow. 

 Still struggling? 

Grab my free guide, Marriage Awareness Worksheet.The worksheet is filled with powerful questions to ask yourself. This thoughtful exercise is just between you and God. With a little vulnerability and an open heart before God, you'll become aware of the small adjustments you can make to experience a more harmonious marriage.

Just leave your name and email so I know where to send it.